54: Bad Relationship Advice and How to Avoid it-Part 1

Ellen Dorian:00:00:01

Welcome to Make More Love Season Two. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. This is the first episode of season two, And I'm starting off with an attitude because recently I have fallen down the rabbit hole of internet relationship advice and um we need a talk. You know how the algorithms work, right? The more you engage with a certain type of content, the more of it you get, and before you know it, your entire feed is full of it. And that is what has happened to me. As you can imagine, I see a lot of relationship content and sure, some of it's solid, but a lot of it, it's vague, it's dumb, or it's just straight up cringe-worthy. So I'm kicking off a series on bad relationship advice and how not to fall for it. I've broken it down into three types of bad advice. The first one is Vague. It's stuff. You technically can't argue with, but tells you absolutely nothing. The second category is Dumb. It's shallow, simplistic advice that would just never work in real life. And the third one is Wrong. That's the kind that's truly harmful to your relationship. It may sound like truth, but if you buy into it, you're gonna end up making bad decisions that might be hard to come back from. But before we get into all that, I gotta say something. Most people don't need more advice. They need to figure out what the hell is actually going wrong in the first place. That's diagnosis. That's the real issue. Most of us are working off assumptions in half truth. And odds are if your partner knew what you thought they wanted, they probably laugh in your face. When things aren't going well, even if it feels obvious, most of us don't really know what the root issue is or how urgent it is to fix. It's like that damn check engine light. It lights up and you can see that it's lit, but it tells you nothing. For that. You've gotta take it to the mechanic and then they use a computer diagnostic system to figure out what the problem is, and then they can recommend how to fix it. It would be cool if you could take your relationship into the shop and run a diagnostic. So I decided to do exactly that. I made a system just for you, it's called the Make More Love Relationship Dynamics Quiz. It pinpoints the underlying cause of relationship challenges based on your answers to 15 multiple choice questions. Then it shows you specifically where the breakdown is occurring so you can focus on the part that needs your attention first. The quiz is completely private. I'm the only one who could see your answers and I won't look unless you ask me to. It is also free, at least for now. You could take it right now. Well, right after you finish listening to this episode anyway, Just head over to makemorelove.show/quiz, and then click the button and go. You'll get your results right away. I hate when you do those online quizzes and they wait till the end to tell you that you have to give them your personal information to get the report. You'll see your results as soon as you're done, and if that gives you what you need, I'm happy for you. But if you want help unpacking it and building a step-by-step strategy, you can book in for a conversation with me where we'll walk through the results and talk about what's really going on and get you started on a better path. I hope you'll head over there and take the quiz, because like I said, you probably don't need more advice. You likely need a plan and you definitely need results. Alright, let's get into it. Starting with the vague stuff, that's the topic for this week. This kind of advice reminds me of those articles you read where researchers do a 10 year study and spend a gazillion dollars, and the Wahoo News headline is In Relationships Communication is Key." Oh. Good to know. It's wait. Is that it? Just communicate more? That's the advice? Well communicate what? How? With what tone? Toward what goal? It's aggravating because the advice produces nothing you didn't know already and nothing you can really use. And it completely ignores the fact that most people don't know how to communicate very well anyway, and especially when they're angry, stressed, tired, and overwhelmed. Communication can mean a hundred different things. Sharing schedules and logistics. Talking about feelings, Giving a lecture. How about PowerPoint slides? What about body language? These are all communication, but communication has to be in context. And if you and your partner don't have an agreement about what counts as communication and what's just background noise, the Communication is Key advice isn't gonna help you at all. Oh, and there's another important point. There's a big difference between explaining and communicating, especially in relationships. That's a distinction that gets missed a lot. I see it in my business coaching all the time. Business owners tend to default to whatever communication style they're comfortable with. Usually It's technical, tactical and process driven. One of my clients once spent 20 minutes walking me through how to build a staircase with sketches. Before we finally got to the real issue, which was that his estimator had been using an outdated pricing formula for years, and every job that included a staircase was bleeding money. And the same kind of thing happens at home. Folks can get carried away on the details of a situation. They share stuff that they're comfortable talking about, but not what their partner needs to hear in order to feel completely read in. The wife of one of my clients told me about the detailed explanations her husband shared with her about the consequences of fabrication delays and their impact on his company's profitability. He shared every detail of this problem he was facing for months. Except, he failed to tell her about the solution he came up with, which was to buy a fabrication plant in another state where he would have to travel every other week for at least six months or maybe longer. He thought he was communicating. She did not agree. And to her, the real issue wasn't even the travel. It was the fact that she wasn't part of the decision that was going to affect her life, his life, the family's life. Good Communication in a relationship isn't just about talking more. It's about sharing what matters in a way your partner can actually take in and respond to. That's what I have to say about that. Let's move on to Vague Advice Number Two: Your Partner Always Comes First. Who could argue with that? At least on the surface, it sounds airtight like something that any loving, committed partner should absolutely live by. But in real life, especially if you're running a business, managing a team, carrying all the weight of financial decisions and being responsible for the profitability of your company, trying to execute on that promise is likely to fail one way or the other. Advice like this doesn't give you a way to reconcile it with your real life obligations. Our relationship models if we have any at all, are not designed for people like us who must accommodate multiple competing top priorities, which is why I put a laser focus on that when I designed my Make More Love methodology. The work you do is what gives you the resources, the time, money, security, and access to make sure your partner is your top priority in the big picture. But, sometimes that means making work the priority in the moment. And social media as usual is part of the problem. There are endless memes promoting an unrealistic approach to relationships. I see a lot from that show, Yellowstone. It's a show I've never watched, but somehow I've managed to see 30 seconds at a time There's one scene between the romantic leads where Beth calls Rip and says, "I need you to come home now." And Rip immediately jumps on his horse, leaves the cattle behind and gallops off into the sun to be by her side. Like everything else on this show, it's not even a little bit realistic. But it is romantic. And if your partner has absorbed enough of that kind of messaging, they might think that that's what love is supposed to look like. So if you don't drop everything, it can feel to them like they're not important. And if that's your partner, you're gonna need a plan for how you can deliver enough romantic energy so that they get their fix without putting your reputation and your business in jeopardy. So how do you put your partner first when it really matters? Start by defining what putting your partner first even looks like. With your partner. Here are three questions to ask when you're facing a situation: One, is it truly urgent or an emergency? Two, what does my partner need right now to feel connected and supported? And Three, Can I meet that need in a way that still respects my other responsibilities? Most of all, you've gotta talk about all of this with your partner before it becomes an argument. Now, even if you talk about it, you still may need to remind each other of your agreements in the moment. But there'll be a lot less anxiety around it because you'll have already talked through it when you weren't in a highly emotional state. What I've learned over decades is, in relationships, you are always playing the long game. You don't win by reacting emotionally to every single moment. You win by aligning your values, your goals, and your expectations. With your partner and making choices together that reflect that shared vision. Now we get to Vague Advice Number Three: Just Be Supportive. That is pretty useless. Supportive How? Does it mean you're supposed to drop everything and give your partner a hug? Does it mean you're supposed to be a cheerleader or does it mean taking on more responsibility with the family or the home? This advice really doesn't give you a clue, and here's where it gets even trickier. You've probably heard this one. When a woman talks about a problem, she doesn't want a solution. She just wants you to listen. I'm sure you've heard that a thousand times, and I get what people are trying to say, but here's the problem. If you are a business leader and someone who lives in problem solving mode, that kind of advice is just frustrating. You're not wired to just nod and say, oh yeah, that sucks. You know, you're wired to fix things. So then what happens? You offer a fix and they get mad. You feel unappreciated. They feel you don't care, and now you're both frustrated, not because you didn't wanna be supportive, but because no one actually said what support was supposed to look like again. Because no one actually knew what kind of support was needed at the time. This is actually something I've struggled with in my own relationship. I'm the one who tends to jump in and try to solve the problem when my husband is just sharing what's on his mind. Over time, I've learned to ask him a few questions like this: Are you looking for a sounding board or do you just need to vent? Would you like some suggestions or do you need a devil's advocate? I don't always remember to ask, but when I do, it totally shifts the conversation. It gives him options, and we usually end up having a much more connected and interesting conversation because of that. So instead of guessing what it means to be more supportive, try asking what support actually looks like in real time with real options. That's what turns confusion into clarity and creates moments that strengthen your connection. As we wrap up, here's the key message I hope you take away from this episode. The problem with vague advice is that it leaves you guessing and in relationships, guessing rarely gets you where you wanna go. You end up overthinking everything, second- guessing yourself, or getting trapped in a trial and error cycle that creates even more disconnection. You both end up feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, and maybe even less loved. And that is the opposite of the Make More Love approach. So try some of these suggestions and let me know how it goes. You can post your thoughts on my social media feed. DM me or send me an email at ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com I read every message and I reply personally, and I love hearing from you. Next week, I'm calling out the dumb advice, the kind that makes you wonder if the person giving it has actually ever been in any kind of a relationship. I'll break down a few of my favorites and I'll show you what to do instead. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.