55: Bad Relationship Advice Part 2: The Dumb Head Scratching Kind

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Today we're continuing our series on bad relationship advice. Last week we looked at vague advice. That's the kind that sounds interesting, but really doesn't say anything and doesn't help you solve any real problems. This week we're gonna talk about the dumb stuff. These are the kinds of things people say with a straight face, like they're passing down some eternal truth, but you hear it and think, "wait, are you serious?" Anyone who believes this stuff probably shouldn't be giving relationship advice at all. There's so much dumb relationship advice out there that it's hard to say what the dumbest ones are. So I just picked three that came to mind. I'm gonna break those down for you one by one, and tell you what they get wrong, why they keep getting repeated, and what to do instead. So let's get into it. Dumb Advice Number One: "Once you're married, you don't have to impress anyone anymore. You don't have to go outta your way." I guess I get the sentiment behind this one. You don't wanna feel like you're performing or pretending all the time. That's exhausting and unsustainable. But if you were doing that all the way up to your wedding, well that, that's kind of a problem all on its own. Now, I don't wanna discount the positive side of this advice because marriage can bring a sense of security and acceptance, and over time couples do get more comfortable with each other, and maybe that removes some of the pressure to be perfect. And that part is real and it's good. But a marriage license is not a license to let yourself go. How you look, how you act, how you treat your partner, how you care for yourself, all still matter. Living in sweatpants isn't the best way to keep up intimate intensity. What message are you sending if you stop putting in effort? That your partner doesn't matter anymore? Nobody wants to feel like they got the bait and switch. So once you're in it for the long haul, the principle is to continue to invest in yourself. Not because you have to, but because you want to. It's not about perfection and it's not about appearance. It's about self-respect and it shows your partner that you respect them too. And while looks aren't everything, taking care of yourself and keeping yourself feeling attractive inside and out contributes a lot to your connection and grows your intimacy and desire for each other over time. So keep making the effort, it pays off. Let's move on to Dumb Advice Number Two: and I'm sure you've heard this one, "Never go to bed angry." It gets repeated so often that it feels like gospel. Well, it's not exactly, but it does come from The Bible, specifically Ephesians 4:26: Which reads "In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger." Unfortunately, as with so much of the Bible, we misinterpret the words and we miss the lesson. This verse isn't saying you have to resolve every conflict and you can't go to sleep until you do. It's more about how we handle anger, not letting it fester or become destructive, or lead to behavior like cruelty, or vengeance, or bitterness. It's telling us to process anger in a timely way, in a healthy way. Not to bottle it up or drag it out. No gunny sacking. But also don't try to force a resolution when you're emotionally flooded just for the sake of resolution, Now I don't share my interpretations of The Bible every day, but I do feel pretty confident about this one. I believe that this passage is advising us to, A) Acknowledge anger as a valid human emotion. B) Don't let it cause harm, escalate or spread. C) Don't let it fester and rot into resentment. The problem is a lot of us have heard this "never go to bed angry" advice since we were kids, and we try to take it literally, which usually backfires. If you've ever had one of those 2:00 AM arguments that start over almost nothing, and spiral into everything then, you know what I mean. Trying to force a resolution late at night. When you're tired, emotional, and not at your best often leads to saying things you don't mean, making poor decisions, or dragging the fight out even longer. You end up more exhausted and even less connected. Early on in my relationship with my husband, he let me know that he really didn't like having difficult conversations late at night when he was tired. That was sometimes challenging because there were plenty of days when we didn't even see each other until we were crawling into bed. And on top of that, I'm a night person. That's when I have the most energy and the most clarity. So you can probably guess where this is going. I had to learn to respect the fact that his brain and body were not wired for late night conflict resolution, and I came to trust that he wasn't avoiding the conversation. He just knew he wouldn't be able to show up for it the way that I needed, on the way that would be best to resolve it. So we have a few ways of handling this now, but our most common move is this. He gives me his attention long enough for me to outline the problem, and then we agree on a time to revisit it. That alone usually helps us both settle down enough to sleep. It works for all but the most intense topics. To be honest, I think that "respecting each other's bio rhythms" might be the Seventh Love Language. By the way, if you thought there were only five, you might have missed my podcast episode on Love Languages, where I shared my sixth one, which is "always defending your partner in public, even if you disagree in private." So yes. It is okay to be angry, and yes, it's okay to defer the conversation to another time when you can both be in a good head space for it. I do recommend setting that time explicitly, so you both know when you're gonna come back to it. What matters most is that both people feel seen and respected, that no one walks away feeling dismissed or stonewalled, and that you both are committed to working through it at a time when you're going to be most productive in resolving the conflict. So you don't have to never go to bed angry. You just can't use bedtime as an excuse to ignore real problems. That's the difference. Moving on now to Dumb Advice Number Three, Which is: "Love means never having to say you are sorry." This one comes from the 1970 movie love story, and somehow it's still around, but it really does need to be retired. Now, there are two common explanations for this sentiment. The first one is that if you truly love someone and they love you back, many things go without needing to be said. You don't need to apologize because you would never truly mean to hurt the other person, and if you somehow did hurt them, it's assumed that you are sorry and therefore doesn't need to be said. So that's one interpretation. And another interpretation is this. Some people say that love means never doing anything to the person you love, that you would have to apologize for. Yeah. I am not buying that. Honestly. I'd say both interpretations are equally dumb. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're never gonna screw up. We all say and do things we don't mean to. We all make mistakes. We all act carelessly, and we all do things that are hurtful, even on purpose sometimes to our partners. That's just part of being human, especially when you've built up enough trust in the relationship to be a little bit bratty sometimes. And the only thing that's gonna make that okay is to own it. Now, in an ideal world, saying, I'm sorry, shouldn't be driven by guilt or shame. It's better if it's about taking responsibility. So I'd like to reframe the idea and change the emphasis. I would say that "Love means never having to feel ashamed or embarrassed to say you're sorry." We should aim to make apologies come easily when they're needed, because keeping trust with your partner is way more important than preserving your ego. I believe the price of that kind of trust in a relationship is the willingness to sincerely and quickly take responsibility for the things we do that upset or hurt our partners, and try not to repeat our mistakes. That's the price of admission for a passionate partnership. It's how we repair damage before it grows into resentment. It's how we rebuild trust after we've let someone down. And it's how we show that our partner's experience matters, not just our intentions. And I think it's important not to forget this. Refusing to apologize sends a message to your partner that says "You shouldn't be hurt." And honestly, it's a pretty shitty move to try to dictate someone else's emotional experience. That doesn't make anyone feel safe. It makes people feel alone even when they're in a relationship. Now a good apology doesn't need to be dramatic. In fact, the best ones are simple and direct. It's not about being perfect, it's just about being connected, and saying, "I'm sorry," genuinely and without defensiveness is one of the best ways and fastest ways to do that. So if you wanna be an expert at making apology stick, I have a perfect framework for you to follow. Once you master this framework, you'll never have to come up with an apology from scratch again, and that makes it easier to do it quickly so you both move past the conflict. So here are my Five Steps to Craft the Perfect Apology: 1: Start with the words, "I'm sorry," or "I apologize." Skip anything vague like I didn't mean to, or I felt bad If you felt bad or none of that. Just say the words. It signals ownership right away and it lowers your partner's defensiveness. So just a simple thing like, "I'm sorry I interrupted you in front of our friends," for example. 2: Be specific about what you're apologizing for. Name the behavior or the moment, not your intentions. For example, "I dismissed your idea without really listening, and that wasn't fair." It was very specific about what you're sorry for. And it doesn't get into, "Well, I didn't mean to," or "it was not my intention to..." all of that stuff, which just muddies the water. 3: acknowledge the impact. Let them know that you understand, or at least you're trying to understand how your actions made them feel. For example, I can see how that might have made you feel shut down, or maybe even embarrassed." Now if you can't see, then you have to ask them. I'm sorry that I did this. Can you tell me more about how it made you feel?" You actually have to ask the question and then you have to be ready to hear the answer and take responsibility for whatever damage you've caused #4: Take responsibility and don't deflect. Avoid I am sorry, but," or "I'm sorry, but you know you did this right?" So not, I'm sorry I snapped, but you were being really difficult." Instead, you can say something like, "I was frustrated, but that's no excuse for how I spoke to you." 5: Say what you're gonna do next time or how you're gonna make it right. An apology without change is just manipulation, so close with a clear intention. For example, "Next time I'm feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, I'll take a moment before responding. I don't want to talk to you that way again." So now you've got the formula. I hope it sounds simple, but mastering those five steps is one of the most powerful ways to build emotional safety in your relationship. When your partner knows that you're gonna own your part quickly and clearly, and not defensively or with excuses, that shifts everything. That kind of repair keeps your connection strong, and it keeps resentment from taking hold. And honestly, that's the bigger point of this whole episode. Real relationships aren't built on cleverness. They're built on consistent effort, mutual respect, and taking responsibility when it counts. So now I wanna hear from you. What's the worst, dumbest relationship advice you've ever been given? Something so bad you almost couldn't believe someone said it with a straight face. I'd love to hear it. Share it with me. Send me a dm, an email, drop it in the comments below. Put it in our Facebook group, the Passionate Partners Insider Community. Wherever you put it, we're gonna see it. And then if I can, I will address it in the next episode. And if listening to this made you realize that some of this bad advice might have been seeping into your relationship approach, you're not alone and you don't have to dismantle it on your own. Let's talk. Go to relationshipresetcall.com and set up a time for you and me to chat. It's free, it's private, and it could just save you a whole lot of stress, conflict, and regret down the road. If you were to try to follow the dumb relationship advice we've talked about today, you'd end up letting yourself go, avoiding hard conversations, and refusing to take responsibility for your mistakes. Does that sound like a successful relationship strategy to you? I believe in you and I'm confident that you're not gonna fall for it. So here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. 1: Effort will always matter. Do you wanna be desired? Keep showing up for yourself and for your partner. #2: Avoidance Kills more relationships than conflict ever will. I'm not saying that you have to fight, but I am saying that you have to face up to mistakes and issues. 3: A sincere and fast apology is your best repair tool. It's a practice like all the others we've ever talked about, and the more you do it, the easier it will get. None of this is about being perfect. It's just about being intentional. So let's not be taken in by dumb advice. Instead, let's be smart about building the kind of relationship you both wanna stay in forever. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.