57: Have You Fallen for the Worst Relationship Advice?

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. I wanna start today with an experiment. You can actually try this if you want, but it will work even if you just imagine it. No matter where you are in the world in any public place, just stand up and sing these notes: And you know what's gonna happen? Someone, at least one person will join in with the next line. All you need is love. Go a second round and you know more people are gonna join in. It's one of the miraculous qualities of music. It has a way of connecting us. The Beatles gave us this simple, beautiful idea, and it's become part of the collective wisdom about love. Hundreds of cultures, dozens of languages. It stayed with us for almost 60 years. This song has been called a Peace anthem. It's been called Propaganda, A Global Vision, a political Statement, and of course, a love song. But one thing it really should not be called is relationship advice, because as relationship advice goes, it's pretty bad. I would argue that this attitude has led to thousands of failed marriages. So today let's talk about why love isn't all you need and what you actually do need to build a resilient, passionate partnership. What is love, Really? I don't talk about it all that often in my content, mostly because love is one of those words that everyone defines differently. And when a word means something different to everyone, it's really hard to find common ground. That's why I tend to use other words, more specific ones, more narrowly defined, So at least there's a decent chance we're talking about the same thing. But since we're here, let's take a shot at it. How do we define love? Simply put, love is the ongoing choice to prioritize, care for, and stay engaged with another person. It's a form of partnership that includes affection and emotional intimacy and a shared investment in each other's wellbeing and growth. It's not just an emotion. It's not just attraction or desire. Hopefully it's not obligation or dependency, and it's definitely not enough on its own to sustain a long-term relationship. Real world love requires multiple elements working together, emotional connection, commitment, intimacy, respect, admiration, and a shared vision, knowing you're building something meaningful together. So yes, love matters, but it's not the whole picture. There are three big problems with the idea that all you need is love. Number one, It causes you to ignore real issues if you believe that love is enough or should be enough. You'll often overlook warning signs that turn into resentment, distance and misalignment. You assume everything's gonna work itself out, but it won't! Love can't fix what you're not willing to address. Number two, love is not a strategy just like your financial advisor will tell you that hope is not a strategy, love isn't one either. Love doesn't mean you automatically know how to listen, how to repair trust, or how to build a life together that works for both of you. If you believe love is all you need, you won't have what you actually need when things get hard, and they will. It's like that saying you're bringing a knife to a gunfight. Number three, it sets you up for disillusionment when love doesn't solve everything or when it feels like it's fading, people panic. They assume the relationship is broken or doomed, but usually what's missing isn't love. It's structure, support and skills, all of which have to be developed and practiced. This is why so many divorce people will say, "it's not that we didn't love each other, we just couldn't make it work." Yes, the love was there, but the strategy, systems, and skills they needed to make the relationship work were missing. You might be feeling this way right now, like you bought into the love songs and the fairytales, but they aren't delivering the happily ever after that they promised And if that's where you are, I get it. I know it can feel hopeless but I promise you it's not. Here's What happens when you work with me. You and I team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. Let's jump on a Relationship Reset Call. It's free, it's quick. It's just 15 to 20 minutes, and it's just you and me. We'll figure out what's missing, where the breakdowns are happening, and how to start shifting the dynamics so you can live the life you want with the partner you love, and have the skills to protect it for life. Just go to relationshipresetcall.com, and pick a time where you have quiet and privacy and we can talk about everything we need to talk about without interruption. So let's get back to the main thread and talk about what it actually takes to make a lifelong relationship work. I've seen a lot of relationships, good ones struggling, ones toxic ones, stagnant ones, and ones that are silently simmering. What I've observed is that the most successful, most fulfilling relationships all have three things in common. The first thing is inclusive purpose. You know, a strong partnership needs direction. Inclusive purpose means you're working from shared values and mutual goals, but you're also accommodating individual dreams and ambitions. It's about moving forward from common ground while still honoring your differences, and those things can change over time and they can change direction. But the important thing is that it stays within an overarching long-term vision. The second one is intentional presence. I like to say that presence is the art of keeping your head where your feet are planted. It's not just about spending time together. It really is about two things. The first one is focus, and that's the ability to give your full attention to your partner when you're with them or give Your full attention to whatever you're doing in the moment that you're doing it. Okay, so that means not being, say, sitting next to your partner on the sofa, on your phone, looking at work, because then you're not giving either one of those things your full attention. And it works both ways, right? When you give your work your full attention, you perform better there as well. If you're not distracted by relationship issues or emotional upset. The second one is attentiveness that is making a full fledged effort to know your partner, to remember what's important to them, to do what you say you're gonna do, and to have their back. What that means is you don't forget things like their birthday or their favorite flower or what your partner is triggered by, what's important to them, um, what's going on around you, what's going on in their lives. Focus and attention Are the glue that make long-term intimacy and trust possible Next is Intrinsic passion. Now passion doesn't have to be this big dramatic thing. It's not even supposed to be fireworks all the time. The initial intensity may cool off and then surge again, and cool off and surge, and this is the way it goes throughout a healthy, long-term relationship. But it's always there, whether it's in the foreground or the background. It may not always be red hot, but it doesn't completely die down either. Intrinsic passion is a consistent undercurrent of intimacy and attraction, and it's something you both need to nurture continually over the lifespan of your relationship. When I work with my clients, the core work that I do is helping them install these three pillars into their relationship. Then we build the strategies and skills and systems to support, strengthen, and maintain them over a lifetime. Okay, as we wrap up, here are three key points that I'd like you to take away from this episode. Number one is all you need is love is good for songs, but not for real life. Real relationships take more than just love. They require intention, effort, and the ability to grow together, especially when things get hard and they need planning. Number two. Bad advice sets you up for failure when love doesn't magically fix everything. Some people think there must be something wrong with them or their relationship when the truth is they're just working through issues without all the right tools and without the right plan. Number three is that smart couples don't wait for a crisis. They invest in their relationship continually, and they find expert help to do that because it's easier to course correct early than it is to rebuild from scratch after everything has fallen apart. I'd just like to share some closing thoughts on this episode, which is the final one in the series on bad relationship advice. Over the last few episodes, we've pulled apart some of the worst relationship advice out there, not only because it's silly or outdated, although some of it is, but because these ideas tend to sneak in when you're feeling vulnerable. They sound comforting and they feel familiar, and before you know it, you're following a script that was never written for you and doesn't lead to where you wanna go. If there's one idea I hope you walk away with from this whole series, it's this: your relationship doesn't need to look like anyone else's, but it does need a customized foundation that actually holds up for your whole life. And that foundation is made up of purpose, presence, and passion. And it's built from skills and systems and strategies that bring forth those ideals into reality. That's how you build a relationship. You'll both wanna stay in forever. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. And here's the best piece of advice I can leave you with: Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.