58: Your Relationship OS Part 1: Staying Aligned, Independent, and Clear

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. In the last few episodes we've been talking about bad relationship advice. I thought that was important because it's all sitting out there like a giant sinkhole just waiting for us to fall in. So now that we've identified the bad advice we don't need, doesn't it make sense to understand what we actually do need instead of all of that crap? So for the next few episodes, I'm going to share what really works to create a lifelong passionate partnership. But, before we get into today's topic, I've gotta say something. When you've got serious relationship issues, smart, logical thinkers like you seek expert advice, but that's often where it goes wrong. We're drowning in relationship advice that doesn't help usually because we haven't figured out what the hell is actually going wrong in the first place. And most of the time we really don't know. It's like that damn check engine light on the car. It lets you know something's wrong, but it doesn't tell you what. For that you have to take it to a mechanic, someone who runs a diagnostic and gives you a repair plan. I kept thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could just do that for your relationship? So I decided to build something. It's called the Make More Love Relationship Dynamics Quiz. It's free, at least for now, and it's completely private, so there's no spilling your guts to a stranger. And, there's also no homework. It is just 15 multiple choice questions. I'd be shocked if it took you more than 5 or 10 minutes. You'll get instant results and a recommendation on exactly what area to tackle first to get to the heart of your relationship issue. Then if you'd like more help building a step-by-step strategy, you can book in for a conversation with me where we'll walk through the results and get you started on a better path. The last thing you need is more advice. What you need is clarity and a plan. But more than anything, you need results. Please don't stop listening to this episode. It's too good to miss. But right afterward, head over to makemorelove.show/quiz, and then just click the button to get started. Now let's continue our conversation. The most successful couples I know practice three core principles that make their relationships work and keep them strong for life. Now, if you ask these couples what they do to make their relationship successful, I doubt that any of them would say, "oh, we follow these three relationship principles." That's not how they talk about it. This is my observation. It's patterns I've identified by watching what actually works. Let's call it a meta-analysis, because I think that sounds cool. So here are the three principles. Number one is Inclusive Purpose, Number Two is Intentional Presence, and Number Three is Intrinsic Passion. Each principle represents a mindset and a way of showing up in your relationship that creates connection, trust, and desire. Over the next few episodes, I'm gonna walk you through each principle in detail and share the three core habits that support it. I'll also give you tips on how to put those habits into practice so you can master the principles in your own relationship. Together, the three principles and the nine habits are the heart of the Make More Love Experience, which is a complete relationship operating system for a stronger, sexier, and more satisfying love life. And today we're starting with the first principle, which is Inclusive Purpose. What that means is that your relationship has a harmonious sense of direction, one that includes and honors both partners, values, dreams, and needs. So why does that matter? Because agreements, tacit, explicit, written, unwritten are the building blocks of a life together that works. And the more aligned you are on values, agreements, and direction, the more you rise through the levels of your relationship hierarchy, from stability to belonging to freedom. This doesn't mean that you have to be in lockstep all the time. It's not just your purpose. It's not just theirs. It includes your individual desires, ambitions, and non-negotiables, and it includes your partners too. And, it helps you find the overlap while still accommodating the differences, so you're not working at cross purposes and you're not drifting apart over time. When you get this right, you avoid a lot of unnecessary problems, Like: Growing apart to the point where you're no longer compatible or Letting resentments and disappointments build up so that they become a wall between you or Acting on assumptions and misunderstandings instead of clear expectations. If you feel like you're being dragged through life or you're constantly being pulled in different directions, this is the principle that helps you get aligned and steer towards something you both genuinely want together. What I've noticed is that couples who live by this principle tend to practice three habits that support it. The first habit is Harmony. And by that I mean that they've identified the values they share and the ones that don't quite match, and they figured out how to live with both. And that's crucial because it's unrealistic to think that you and your partner will share all the same values. Even when you say the same words, your approach might be completely different. Let me give you an example of that. I tell a lot of stories about my parents, but that's because there are so many good ones, and my parents shared the value of making people feel cared for, but their ways of doing that were quite different. My dad's was always about time. He'd visit friends, he'd help the neighbors with their projects, volunteer at the church. He valued family time a lot. He spent a lot of time with us kids. He'd also spent a lot of time with his family, his brothers, and his dad. He showed caring by being there for people. My mom's way was all about gifts. She never showed up anywhere empty handed, especially if kids were involved. She sent cards, she sent money, she sent trays and trays, of baklava. She was basically a one woman baklava factory. Now my parents never argued about the value, but they did argue about how to live it out. My dad didn't love spending money, and my mom didn't love spending time. And when those habits clashed, it created tension, even though they were both trying to do the same thing. So what are those things in your own life? What values do you share with your partner and what values are in conflict and how do you handle the conflicts? So think about that while we move on to the second habit. Which is Unity. This means co-creating a future you both wanna live in. It's about steering the relationship in the same direction together, while also making space for each person's individual dreams, interests and desires. This is one I relate to very well because it's an area I have to work on in my own relationship. My husband and I don't naturally want the same future. I'd love to travel and live in different countries. He has no interest in living in other places. He moved around a lot as a kid, so he appreciates having a single place to call home. So, we have to work to find overlap. He's become more open to traveling, especially when I incorporate his passion for photography. And by the way, my husband is an amazing photographer. His work is really beautiful. Now, travel logistics still stress him out, but when the trip includes great photo opportunities, he's a lot more willing to engage. And I've come to accept that living abroad might not be part of our shared future, but seeing the world together in smaller ways can be. So you see that unity doesn't mean you have to want the exact same life. It means creating a shared future that can hold both of you without either person disappearing in the process. The third habit is Clarity. This means making agreements explicit, avoiding assumptions, and not relying on unspoken expectations. Let's talk about what happens when that kind of clarity is missing and how it erodes trust even in long term high functioning relationships. Here's a story from my client Sam. He had been married for decades and like many long-term couples, he and his wife generally got each other. They didn't need constant communication, and they liked it that way. They both deeply valued their independence. They respected each other's space. No one was demanding itineraries, and no one was micromanaging the other person's time. One night Sam made plans with friends and told his wife he'd probably be home between 10 and 11, and then he headed out. Now, Sam Is not great at tracking time, so in his mind, giving a range is a thoughtful thing. It's a way to keep everything low stress. His wife meanwhile spent a quiet evening doing her own thing, but then when 11:00 PM went by and then midnight, she started getting uneasy. She really hadn't planned to wait up for him, but the later it got, the more unsettled she felt. And she texted him, but she didn't get any response. And by 12:30 she was spiraling. Was he hurt or was he just being careless? Why hadn't she heard from him? When he strolled in a little after 1:00 AM relaxed and safe, she went ballistic. Her take was: He didn't check in. He left her in the dark. He broke trust. His take on the other hand was: Well, he gave a window. He was never really specific. He didn't miss anything important. He hadn't asked her to wait up. That was all her choice. So he was blindsided by her reaction, and honestly, he wasn't thrilled that I appeared to be taking her side. I wanted him to understand that this wasn't really about control. It was about clarity. I said to him, "You know that time range, that is really for your convenience, not for hers. You gave it so you wouldn't have to think about exactly when you might be home." I suggested something simple: Set a reminder on your phone for a few minutes before you said you'd be home, just a nudge to check the time. and send a one line update like. "Still out. All good. Don't wait up." His response was surprisingly resistant. "I don't wanna feel like I have to report in to my wife. I just wanna enjoy myself without a clock ticking in the background I never promised I'd be home at a certain time." And that attitude raised Two important questions for me: 1) Where's the line between being a free agent and being a team player? 2) How much do you want to matter to another person? Because if you are building a life together, A home, a calendar, shared responsibilities, kids maybe, and you still think that you're fully autonomous, I'm sorry, but you're really fooling yourself. That's not a partnership. That's just two people living parallel lives. And if you do wanna matter, to be prioritized, to feel that sense of belonging, to be deeply loved, then your actions have to reflect that. Not by letting go of your freedom, but by choosing clarity. There are two kinds of freedom. There's freedom from rules and expectations and limitation. That's kind of a teenager's version of freedom. And then there's the freedom to be trusted, to show up with integrity. To make sure that your partner knows that they matter to you. That's a grownup's version of freedom. When you have aligned values, clear agreements, and a shared vision, you can stop guessing about stuff and you don't have to walk on eggshells, and you can stop having those same fights over and over again. You can relax into being yourselves together. So, here are some tools to help you get there. These recommendations are for this specific situation, but you can translate the principles into any situation where you might have this kind of conflict. The first tool is to create agreement around check-ins. So if your plans shift past your estimated window, then just send a quick update: "Still out. All good. Don't wait up." One line equals peace of mind and zero loss of freedom. Number two is to clean up your language. What does probably home by 10 or 11 mean really to each of you? Because chances are, unless you've had the conversation, it doesn't mean the same thing to you as it does to your partner. So get specific. You can avoid a lot of conflict before it starts just by making sure that you both understand what you mean when you say something casual. And number three is lean into your Code of Honor. Make your values visible. Decide together what respect, autonomy and reliability look like in daily life. When you find yourself in a situation where you feel impinged upon, check in with your Code of Honor and see if that gives you some guidance. These are my final thoughts on this. If you want the best relationship possible, make clear agreements. Stop operating on assumptions. Stop thinking unilaterally. That doesn't mean giving up your individuality. In fact, it's the opposite. But you're in a partnership, and that means that your actions affect more than just you. If you wanna be trusted, respected, and truly connected, then bringing clarity into every part of your relationship is the best way to get that. So what are your next steps? Where are you relying on assumptions instead of explicit agreements? I guarantee you it's all throughout your relationship. Because the way that we've been brought up in relationships really relies on a lot of unspoken expectations and assumptions. That's just how it's always been. I'm suggesting something that's a radically different habit to build for yourself and your partner, and that could take you some time and some adjustment. But It also brings more safety, more connection, and in the end, more freedom. If this is something you want in your relationship, but you're unsure about how to create it, I can help you with that. Just set up a Relationship Reset Call with me and I'll walk you through step by step how to start building that into your relationship. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.