59: Your Relationship OS Part 2: Practicing Intentional Presence

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. This is the second episode in our series on the relationship practices that form the foundation of every passionate partnership. Last week we talked about inclusive purpose, making sure that you're both headed in the same direction with shared goals that still honor your individual dreams. This week we're focusing on one of the most talked about, but really least understood elements of a strong relationship, and that is intentional presence. Intentional presence means much more than just being in the same space. It means you bring your full attention, your full self, and your full capacity for staying engaged. It's keeping your head where your feet are planted. If you feel like you've heard about this before, you're not wrong. Presence and mindfulness are hot topics in relationship research. I've covered it quite a bit in previous episodes of the show It seems pretty obvious that presence could lead to deeper emotional attunement, better conflict recovery, and higher levels of intimacy. And because of that, these topics are covered widely in the press, along with a lot of vague advice that isn't particularly actionable. What all of this advice fails to mention is that human beings are not naturally good at being present and our environment is constantly bombarding us with stuff that competes for our attention, and there's so much that requires our presence as well. And that's even more true for us business owner types. In fact, the pressure to be more present could actually make you want to tune out even more. So today I'm gonna break things down into actionable specifics that make it easier for you to implement some of the strategies we're gonna talk about. Because if you only implement one of the practices from this entire series, this is the one that I would pick. Intentional presence boils down to three core habits. Number one is attentiveness, keeping focus, and paying attention Number two is authenticity, showing up as your true self and respecting your partner's truth as well. And number three is resilience, extending grace, giving the benefit of the doubt, and having each other's backs even when it's hard. So let's start with attentiveness. This is the habit that most people immediately associate with presence. At its core, attentiveness is about paying attention on purpose and engaging with your partner. You must know that there's more going on than their laundry list of things, or their weather report of how they are. Attentiveness involves tuning into your partner and engaging with their thoughts, their concerns, and their passions. It means that you listen actively. If you've had any kind of leadership training at all, you've heard about active listening. You need to pay attention not only to the words that the person says, but their tone, their body language, and what they've left unsaid. And you need to listen to understand, not to formulate your response. It also means that you track what matters to your partner and you remember what they tell you. You want their concerns to be on your radar, and not just when there's a problem, like stress or fatigue, you need to be cognizant of the day-to-day reality of your partner's life. Another way that you show attentiveness is to remember important stuff. You know the stuff like birthdays, anniversaries, favorites, like favorite junk food, favorite movies, favorite flowers, favorite bands. You get the idea. This is one area where just a little bit of planning pays off big time. So write stuff down, use an app or whatever else you need to use in order to make sure that you remember important stuff. I give my private clients a proprietary tool for staying on top of all that stuff. They say it's worth its weight in gold. Another aspect of attentiveness is that you follow through on what you say you're gonna do, especially the small stuff, because over time those small follow throughs become the evidence your partner uses to decide if they can trust you emotionally. When you do this, you'll find that it really doesn't take all that much effort on your part, but it makes a huge difference in the quality of your relationship when your partner feels seen for who they are, secure because you are not withdrawn or avoiding them, and special because you choose to prioritize them over and over again. In my coaching system, there are two key practices that help couples stay focused and attentive. The first one is a weekly planning meeting. This is your anchor point. It's the main place that you pay attention to what's going on in your life together. You sit down once a week to take a look at what's coming up. You can do that over drinks. You can do that over coffee or over lunch. But you get the logistics handled. You are sharing the mental labor, and you're setting an emotional tone for the week ahead. It's your chance to make sure that nothing and no one falls through the cracks. The second thing that we teach in the system is the daily check-in. Now, this is less about the logistics and more about connecting with your partner. It builds intimacy. So if you're not doing a daily check-in now, start with five minutes a day, just the two of you. No phones, no kids, no multitasking, nothing else but the two of you. You will be surprised how much closer you feel after just a week or two of doing this consistently. Even if it's that short. you can spend that five minutes physically connecting, making out, holding hands, stuff like that. My husband and I, we do the crossword puzzle first thing every morning while we're still in bed. It's a great way that we both can connect and start our day together. You can use deep questions. I've given lots of ideas for those in earlier episodes. Or if you wanna keep it simple, just try a round of gratitude. Ask each other something like, what's one thing I appreciated about today with you? Then just hold hands and don't talk. Just think about it for a full minute and set a timer if you need to. Then share what you think of with your partner, but take the full minute because so many times we're so busy thinking about things that we don't have time to really reflect on what we wanna say, and then finish that with a hug. Pop culture recommends a six second hug to experience an emotional boost, but I think you should work up to a full minute, which is a lot longer than you'd think when you're hugging, but it's certainly worth giving a try. Now let's move on to the next habit, which is authenticity. This means seeing and valuing your partner as they truly are, and being willing to show up as your true self as well. When it comes right down to it, a fundamental reason for being in a relationship is to have someone you can be completely yourself with And know that they are fully authentic with you too. Also, authenticity and respect are very much intertwined, and for most people, especially most men, I know respect is a very big need. When you don't allow yourself to be who you truly are, And honesty and integrity are wrapped up in that too, you're chipping away at the foundation of respect in your relationship. And why is that? Well, because you can't fully respect someone that you don't really know. And you can't feel respected if you don't feel fully seen. Now, authenticity doesn't have to be about oversharing. It's not bearing your soul over breakfast. It's about showing up honestly, emotionally, physically, and energetically. So your partner doesn't have to wonder who you really are or what really matters to you. I wanna tell you a story, not about a client, but about my friend Joanie. After her husband Mark died, she found a drawer in his home office filled with handwritten journals like Decades Worth. She'd always known Mark as naturally quiet, not exactly shy, but more introspective. But in those pages, he poured out his feelings, his fears, his longings, and regrets, even his thoughts and feelings about her, most of which he had never shared with her out loud. He had dreams of cooking in Paris, but in real life he made pancakes On Sunday mornings, he planned an adventure to visit the hidden jazz clubs across Europe. But in real life, he blasted oldies on the stereo while he puttered around the house. Jonie was stunned and deeply sad that she never really knew the man she'd slept beside for almost 40 years. I think that we all can feel that we don't know our partner, but this was an extreme case. What about you? How different is the version of you that your partner sees from the one that lives in your head? If your partner had access to your unfiltered thoughts, would they feel closer to you or more distant? And think about this, would you want your partner to have to live through what Joanie did? Discovering they never knew the person they had spent their life with. When both people are willing to be real and also are willing to respect each other's realness, that's where the most fulfilling intimacy happens. Do you often find yourself trying to be some way? Be calm, be interested, be intimate, or whatever? If so, maybe try just being you and let those be the things that you do, not the roles that you step into. Now, I'm not gonna pretend this is easy. Most people don't have a clue about how they would become more authentic. It's the kind of thing you might need a little bit of help with. And if you're looking for that, I can help. We can jump on a Relationship Reset Call, and start figuring it out together. The call is free, it's quick and private, and it can give you the insight you need to become fully you in every area of your life. You can book that call at relationshipresetcall.com. I hope you'll take advantage of that. It's a really great way to explore some of your inner thoughts without getting too deep into something that you might find uncomfortable. All right. Let's move on to the third habit of intentional presence, which is resilience. In nature, the silk that spiders use to build their webs is one of the strongest materials known even stronger than steel. And it's not just the raw strength of the silk that makes a web resilient, it's the way the silk stretches and adapts when it's pulled. It softens under tension and then stiffens just enough to hold the structure in place. And that combination of give and hold is what lets the web survive wind and rain and struggling prey. And it turns out that's exactly how resilience works in a strong relationship. It has to be both tough and flexible. And if you want that, you'll need to be ready for the tensions that will inevitably come into any relationship and have the emotional elasticity to handle it without breaking the connection. When you don't have resilience, you end up harboring a lot of contempt for each other. Even if that's not you, I bet you know couples who are like that. John Gottman, that world famous relationship researcher that I've talked to you about in previous episodes, has compelling research that shows contempt is the biggest risk to happiness and continuity in relationships. So let's look at What resilience looks like in practice. One, you don't expect perfection from your partner, but even more importantly from yourself. Number two, you consistently assume your partner has the best of intentions. Number three, when things go south, you ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions. Number four. Is, you can stay connected even when things get messy or uncomfortable. And number five, you address conflict in a timely way and repair breakdowns quickly. Resilience means offering each other grace, and there's a subtle difference between that and giving them endless passes or excusing bad behavior. It means having your partners back when they're struggling and trusting that they'll have yours when you're not at your best either. Okay. You know, I don't really enjoy stating absolutes, but in this case, I can't think of a better way to say it. You have to cultivate resilience in your relationship. It's not optional. It's your emotional safety net, because no matter how aligned you are, and no matter how attentive or authentic you try to be, we are all gonna screw up sometimes and we're all going to face sudden changes and we're all gonna need some grace from time to time. Here are three things you can do to build more resilience into your relationship. Number one is to practice the other two, attentiveness and authenticity. Resilience doesn't exist in a vacuum. If you're not already being attentive. Or you're not showing up as the real you. Your relationship is going to feel brittle and break. Number two is give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, we are all gonna screw up sometimes. Instead of assuming malice or carelessness, try assuming effort. Try to understand what they were going for. Chances are they were either really trying or they just weren't thinking. Either way, how likely is it that the person you love and who loves you deliberately did something to hurt you or make you angry? I know it feels that way. But really, and you know what? Just forgive early and often. And by that I don't mean let it go for now and then weaponize it later. I mean, really just forgive your partner. Extend them grace. And number three is to aim for short repair cycles. When you do have arguments, don't let them stretch out for too long. Come back together quickly, even if the issue isn't fully resolved, say something like, "Look, I love you and we'll figure this out." And after you do figure it out, don't just move on, check in and ask each other, are we good? Or whatever closing question feels right to you. Because to a degree, stating that out loud is like making it so. Getting back to the spider, what gives a spiderweb structural integrity is that every strand supports the others. If one strand is missing or damaged, the web is compromised. It might still function, but it loses strength. The same goes for relationships. If something's missing, it weakens the whole structure, even if everything else looks fine on the surface. Now, realistically, all relationships have some broken strands. It's impossible to be human in a relationship and not break things sometimes. But the problem is that we often can't identify precisely where the breaks are That's why I created this Relationship Dynamics Scorecard. It is designed to help you spot the places that need reinforcement, repair, or a fresh approach. Because if you want a strong relationship, you have to start by figuring out what's missing. You can take the quiz right now, Well, right after this episode. Anyway, it's free, it's fast, and it will give you a clear starting point. Just head over to makemorelove.show/quiz or get the link in the show notes. Before we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Intentional presence is one of the three core practices that will help you create a passionate partnership and to bring intentional presence into your life, you need to develop three habits. 1: Pay attention. 2: Be the real you and make space for your partner to do the same. 3: Extend each other grace. I can't put it any more concisely or more plainly than that. So my closing thoughts on this is that nobody's perfect and you aren't going to be good at intentional presence overnight It takes work. But when you build these three habits, attentiveness, authenticity, and resilience, your partner can stop feeling like they're doing it alone, and you can stop feeling like you're failing. So be a partner who shows up on purpose. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.