60: Intrinsic Passion – Reignite Desire Without Faking It

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. Over the last two episodes, we've laid the foundation for a passionate partnership that you both wanna stay in forever First, we covered inclusive purpose, how to build a shared vision that honors both your values and your individual goals so your relationship has direction and it isn't just drifting along. Next, we broke down intentional presence, What it really means to show up with focus and authenticity, and how to make your relationship resilient enough to handle the stress that life throws at you. And today we're getting into the third principle, which is intrinsic passion. And that includes sex. Not just sex, but that is a big part of it. We could spend days on this topic, but for now, I just wanna make one simple point. Sex is the glue of healthy relationships. It matters and we massively underestimate how much. Multiple studies show that sex is just as important to your physical and emotional health as food, water, and sleep. Well, technically your body can survive without sex, but your relationship is another story. And here's the thing about sex in relationships. There's no "phone-a-friend" option. For most things there are. If your spouse doesn't wanna go hiking, fine. That's what friends are for. If your partner is not into Swedish metal bands, you can always take a friend to the Satabon concert. Personally, when I'm in the mood for oysters and martinis, I'm definitely going with a friend. 'cause my husband ain't never gonna go do that with me. But when it comes to sex, it just doesn't work like that. If your partner's not in the mood, you can't just have a friend or two over for a romp. Am I right? A relationship without sex is like a car running on fumes. Eventually it just stops, and now you're stuck by the side of the road. So yeah, your relationship needs a strong, consistent sex life. But let's be honest, you didn't get married just for sex. You got married because you wanted something deeper, some real connection, and that is intimacy. And while you can have sex without intimacy, and many of us have, a lot of people can't build true intimacy without sex. It just doesn't click. And keeping your sex life satisfying long term does get more challenging. No doubt. I guess before we go any further, I should probably make a differentiation between sex. And passion, which we're gonna talk a lot about, and intimacy. Sex, is the physical expression of desire and connection. It's the physical act. Passion is the emotional and energetic drive behind the desire for sex. It's what fuels the intimate side of the relationship And intimacy is the outcome, the depth of emotional connection and vulnerability that bonds you to your partner. We're gonna talk about how to reignite passion in your relationship if it has faded away. But before we do that, let's talk about why it fades in the first place. And it's not because you picked the wrong person or you're fundamentally incompatible. There are differences between men and women when it comes to your interest in sex and passion. And if you don't understand these differences, you could end up feeling confused and resentful or blaming each other for something that isn't personal. And so let's just go through the reasons why people lose interest in sex and passion goes away. For men, one of the big factors is boredom. To say that men get bored with sex isn't exactly the case. It's more like he's bored with the version of his partner that shows up for sex When things get too routine and too performative and too obligatory, that's a turnoff. The second thing is disconnection. When a man doesn't feel admired, that has an impact on his interest in sex. If he doesn't feel truly desired, it's hard to work up the passion. So it just becomes a duty or a meeting of a physical need, and there's a feeling of being checked out, which doesn't lead to fantastic sex, for sure. And then the third thing is a health issue. Over time and with age, there's low testosterone, there's exhaustion, there's performance anxiety, and just plain stress that can make sex feel like just one more thing to do and not something to get in the mood for. Mental health plays a big role here too, especially if he's silently struggling and doesn't feel safe enough to say that out loud, either to his partner or to a professional. That's gonna have a major impact on sex drive. Now, let's talk about women, and you'll see that there's a lot of overlap, but there are also some key differences. Women will lose interest in sex if they don't feel desired, but especially if they don't feel attractive. If she doesn't feel seen, desired, appreciated, if she starts to feel like she's not as good looking as she was before, she'll shut down. And while that's true of both genders it's even more true of women because of the societal pressure to be attractive, to stay an object of desire. She might still go through the motions, but she's not emotionally or physically connected and there's no energy behind it. The second thing is their partner's behavior. If their partner's cold or critical or withdrawn and stonewalling, or just exhibits a lack of emotional engagement, that's gonna kill her ability to feel safe. And she's not gonna wanna be close. The third thing is very real and really difficult to overcome, and that is health and hormonal issues. There are tons of hormonal shifts that happen in a woman's life. There's perimenopause, which can start 10 years before you even hit menopause. There's menopause and post menopause. After childbirth, there's postpartum recovery and there's postpartum depression, and other things that play into the mental health of women. And a lot of those are caused by physical, hormonal shifts that they have no control over. And don't even get me started on the medical establishment and their lack of ability to understand how women's hormones play into her ability to connect, to feel desire, to make her partner feel desired. It's a mess. The big picture is men need to feel respected and desired, and women need to feel attractive and understood. When you know what's actually going on here, you can stop making it personal and start doing something that overcomes these issues. That's where passion comes in. Passion is the fuel for the engine. It's the driver of desire. It's the pull towards your partner that cuts through the complexity of our lives. When passion isn't showing up in your relationship, it's easy to become transactional, and I think we've talked about this enough to know that that is a big turnoff. So let's talk about how to keep that passion actively contributing to your life. We have a weird way of looking at passion in our culture. We tend to think the beginning of the relationship is the best time. It's fun, exciting, sexy, and compelling enough to make us wanna make it permanent. So we get married and then we go through what we call the honeymoon phase Which, by the way, is just a coverup for the fact that we commit to a life together when we hardly even know each other. And then real life kicks in, responsibilities pile up, stress takes over, and everyone tells you it's just natural for passion to fade over time. But I think that's bs. I mean, not the phenomenon. I get that it does happen, but the acceptance of it is what I'm not gonna buy into. I reject the idea that long-term partners have to trade eroticism for comfort. I don't believe that passion is a temporary spark or a phase that you just go through. I don't think it depends on novelty or physical perfection or that it's something that just fades over time and it sure as hell isn't only for new relationships. I think we've completely misunderstood the nature of passion. So here's my take on that. I believe that starting a relationship is like planting a tree. Once you plant it, it becomes its own living thing. And I think it's the same with passion in the relationship. It's actually the driver of the relationship formation. It takes root and it becomes its own living thing, It doesn't go away. Even if the two of you break up, that relationship still exists and it's going to outlive both of you. Because you've created memories together and you've produced a legacy together, because you can never unknow each other. So I believe that passion is built into the relationship from the start, and in fact, it's part of what made you choose each other in the first place. Time and stress and resentment, don't kill it. It's still in there. It's just either being fed or being starved. Passion takes what it can from the environment around it. If you feed it what it needs, it stays healthy like the tree with deep roots and full branches. It provides fruit shade and protection. But if you starve it, it doesn't just disappear, it still takes up space in the yard. It just goes dormant. No growth, no fruit, just brittleness and a breeding ground for resentment. So passion is not something you add on. It's not a feature of the honeymoon phase. It's the built-in why of your relationship, and if it's still in there, that means that we can tap into it again in the Make More Love model, intrinsic passion is supported by three core habits The first one is vitality. It's taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. The second one is intimate intensity. That's showing up with magnetism and agency, giving your partner someone to be drawn to something to desire. and the third one is about prioritizing pleasure. That's actively creating and seeking out experiences that turn you on, not only in sex, but in life and in love. So those are the three core habits that I hope you'll cultivate. And next I'm gonna share five real world repeatable ways to recharge the passion in your life. But first I'm gonna share something with you that's been really helping a lot of my clients. It's impossible to be human in a relationship and not break things sometimes. The problem is it can be hard to figure out exactly where the brakes are so that you can repair it. That's why I created the relationship dynamics scorecard. It is designed to help you spot the places that need reinforcement, repair, or a fresh approach. Because if you want a strong relationship, you have to start by figuring out what's missing. You can take the quiz right now, Well, right after this episode. Anyway, it's free, it's fast, and it will give you a clear starting point. Just head over to makemorelove.show/quiz or get the link in the show notes. And, we're back. So as promised, here are five real world repeatable ways to recharge the passion in your life. Number one is to stop waiting for your partner to make you feel passionate. Start going first. Your passion is a reflection of how connected you are to your own energy. It lives in you. It starts with how alive you feel in your own body. So take care of yourself first, because when your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing are healthy, you show up with more magnetism and you draw your partner in. Number two is no keeping score. This one is tough, especially if you've been feeling neglected or unappreciated, but you can't start out with the expectation of reciprocity. And I understand you may have tried this before, where you keep showing up to your partner with desire and passion, and you keep getting rejected. It might be hard to hear this, but a lot of the rejection comes from the expectation vibes you send out. So if you can flip the script and just give off the passionate energy without any implied need for reciprocity, you'll be surprised how quickly things can shift. The third one is to replace magical thinking with stuff that you know works. Intrinsic passion isn't based on chemistry, it's based on behavior. People talk about passion all wrong. It doesn't fall from the stars. You build it with curiosity and play and aliveness, and taking emotional risks with the kind of attention that says you matter to me. And the fact is you already know what to do because it worked before. That's why you have the partner. So if you know what worked before, then do that. Number four is to put down the baggage. It's shocking how many insecurities build up in our heads over time. We worry about whether we are attractive enough or exciting enough to keep our partner engaged, and that's just a lot of pressure. So when you show your passion for your partner spontaneously, you take the pressure off of them and make space for their passion to reemerge. And number five is to stop tolerating what you're getting and step up. You've been resigned, acting like this is just what happens after a while, and that has to change. Start treating passion as the priority that you feel it should be, and it's one that you can influence. You don't need the conditions to be perfect to get started, and you certainly don't need permission from your partner to show up as a more passionate human being. You can shift the energy completely on your own. You can do this by first immersing yourself in passion centered thinking. Bring passion more into your mental environment. Read about it. Listen to stories that inspire it. Watch content that turns you on mentally and emotionally, not just physically. And by the way, I don't recommend porn for this because most of that lacks any kind of actual passion or connection. Another thing you can do is to create micro moments of flirtation or surprise. It's like dropping sparks into your relationship. Just a playful interruption of the day can bring life back into the stalest of dynamics. And if you need ideas for this, I've got two episodes that could be helpful. Start by listening to Episode 24, which is called "The Art of Love: Insights from Romance Novels for Real Relationships." And then also listen to Episode 23, which is called "Build a Bonfire: Steps to Reignite Your Relationship." You'll get tons of ideas, but also lots of clarity on how to build these behaviors into your everyday life. And the third thing to do is to plan date nights that emphasize connection. Your date nights don't have to be elaborate or expensive, but they do need to offer opportunities to connect so you can build passion, and that means they need to be just the two of you. This is not the time for double dates and not family nights, but show your partner that passion is still important and still matters to you by making exclusive opportunities for the two of you to connect. I've got a couple of episodes to help you out with that too. The first one is Episode 7, which is "Master Date Nights to Refuel Your Relationship." And then Episode 10, "Adventures to Deepen Your Relationship" could also be helpful. So those are five real world strategies that can help you reconnect with the passion that's already intrinsically in your relationship. Now I wonder if you're thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a lot of work." You're not wrong. Passion does take effort, but the payoff is worth it. And one of the things I aim to do with everything we talk about on the show is break it down into small shifts that can create big momentum. This really isn't about doing more and it's not about trying to do everything. It's just about trying to do one thing differently for just a little bit of time in a day, five or 10 minutes. You don't need to rearrange your whole life. You don't need hours of planning and conversation. You don't need to force yourself to act in ways that you don't naturally feel. The real secret to reigniting passion in your relationship is intentionality. Don't overthink it. Just listen to the suggestions in the episode here and in the episodes that I mentioned. See what sticks and try that one thing, and if what sticks feels too big, then just break off a piece of that and do a little something differently Start choosing to bring energy. Instead of bringing exhaustion home, start flirting instead of scrolling on your phone. Start reaching out instead of withdrawing and saying, I need time for myself. When you make these choices deliberately and consistently, it gets easier and eventually it even gets to be fun, especially when your partner starts responding. If this still feels heavy to you, I get it. It can be and I can help you with that. We can build you a passion plan using the same kinds of strategies that you'd use to grow your business. So instead of too much talking, and too much time with no clear direction. Or outcomes. We focus on planning, resource management, best practices, and incremental improvement for your relationship. This is stuff you really already know how to do. You just haven't applied it to your relationship yet. And when you do that, you're gonna be impressed with how fast things can change. So here are my closing thoughts on this episode. If you've been thinking that passion fades "just because," let this be your wake up call. Now you know better. You know why you might have checked out. You know what shuts your partner down and what shuts you down, and you've got a few moves that you can try that are practical and clear and aren't fluffy or overly romantic grand gestures. So pick something, try it. Let me know how it goes. You can email me or message me or set up a call because passion comes back by design, not by accident. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.