61: Stop Your Relationship from Becoming a Business Casualty

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. I just got back from a week long learning intensive with my coach in Mexico. I was in a room full of top tier business coaches, consultants, and mentors, smart, driven people who've built multi seven or even eight figure businesses and help others do the same. I mention this because if you're serious about scaling your business, I highly recommend working with a coach or mentor. The right coach will help you grow faster without imploding, even though I don't talk about it as much on this show. I am also a business coach. I work with clients who choose a holistic approach of working on both their relationship and their business at the same time. Okay, but this isn't a pitch. It's an invitation. If you're thinking of hiring a business coach, I can help you. I've got a deep network of world class coaches, and I'm happy to walk you through deciding which coach or program would be the best fit. Whether you have someone in mind or you need a recommendation. A great Business coach is gonna drive you to go all in on the business. They'll show you how to systemize, mentor, delegate, plan, scale, and ultimately build a company that can run on autopilot so you can enjoy the good life. But one thing business coaches don't always look at is how things are going at home, or whether your focus on growth is creating tension in your romantic relationship. It's just not their zone of genius. Talking to other business coaches at the conference last week confirmed that many of them have a blind spot or two when it comes to the risks that relationship troubles can have on their client's success. They don't purposely ignore it. They're just really not trained to look for it. So they don't see it until the client who is doing great in their program starts missing calls or asks to pause the program or stop showing up entirely. The real problem is that no one can go all in on everything everywhere, all at once. Too many business owners fall into the trap of treating their relationship like it will run on autopilot while they focus on the business only to find out the hard way that relationships don't have an autopilot setting. One of my clients, PJ, came to me with exactly this problem after finding the show he was really suffering and didn't know how to find the right kind of help. He'd even posted on Reddit where he got more sympathy than solutions. Here's what he wrote. My partner just left me because my business is my whole life. I don't think that's true, and I've actually made a lot of progress over the last year in delegating, systemizing, and generally having more free time. I was feeling more optimistic about the future than ever. Business was looking up, and I had a partner that I thought was understanding and to be honest, who I thought I'd be with for life, but now it's just me and the business again. I'm really, really sad and fuck, I'm struggling to get any of my work that's piling up done. He'd finally built the business to a place where he could shift his focus. He had time, he had energy. He had systems in place to make sure the business could run with less of his input, but the relationship had already gone off course, and by the time he reached for it again, it just wasn't there. That's why I believe this. When you invest in support to grow your business. The smartest, most strategic move you can make is also to invest in support for your relationship. I'm not talking about therapy. I know a lot of you aren't comfortable with that model. But you still need practical, targeted support, something that helps you protect your relationship from becoming the price you pay for your business success. Because the single greatest risk to your business is the fallout from a divorce. It's an almost guaranteed 50% hit, and business owners divorce at a much higher rate than the general population. In short, the risk is significant, and if you don't recognize it in time, the damage could be catastrophic. Let's debunk some of the most common delusions that keep business owners from recognizing the risks to their relationships. The first delusion is "My partner knows I'm doing all of this for us." The truth is they probably used to believe that, but when connection, presence, and open communication fade away, it's hard for your partner to see that US is still a part of your why. Even if it's clear to you that you're doing this for both of you, it might not feel like that to them. The second delusion is "once the business is more stable, then I'll be able to focus on the relationship." The truth there is that stability is an illusion. There's always another launch, another hire, another crisis. And if you wait for perfect conditions, you'll be waiting a long time, and by then it might be too late like it was for PJ Delusion number three is that "my partner and I both want the same things out of life." The truth is life is long and people change. If your partner has been feeling alone, neglected, or disconnected for a while, they may have quietly shifted direction. The only way to know is to have time and focus for deeper conversations, and chances are you're not having those kinds of talks. Delusion number four is "we are just in a busy season, and I'll make time for fun later." The truth is that busy seasons turn into busy years, and when everything revolves around the business, every conversation, every plan, every priority, there's no room left for pleasure, play, or spontaneity, and that is how passion dies, even in high functioning relationships. And the fifth delusion is "if my partner is unhappy, they will tell me." The truth is not always and not always directly. You know this because we've all said this to ourselves. I'm unhappy and angry, but I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna wait and see how long it takes them to notice." And if you tell me that you've never said that before, you're lying. Partners don't always voice their dissatisfaction, especially if they've been disappointed or rejected before. They adapt, they go quiet. They lower their expectations, and by the time they finally do speak up, they've often already made the emotional decision to leave. So don't mistake silence for contentment. It's often a sign of danger. If buying into any of these delusions has come back to bite you in the ass, or if you're starting to worry that it might, what do you actually do about it? I am gonna give you three steps here. Step one is just being honest with yourself that something isn't right, and deciding whether you're ready to do anything about it. And I don't mean beating yourself up. We all have areas we avoid, business issues we don't face up to, health stuff that we put off relationship problems we hope will go away on their own. Sometimes we're just not ready and sometimes we don't know where to start and sometimes we're afraid that anything we do to try to fix it is just gonna make it worse. So yeah, getting to the point where you're willing to face it, that's step one. Step two is figuring out what's actually going on, because relationship issues are rarely what they seem on the surface. They look like one thing, like fights about schedules or sex or communication. But once you start digging, you'll find that there's something deeper underneath. If you solve the wrong problem, you're just wasting time, and in the meantime, the real issues are festering under the surface. Step three is developing a plan you can actually follow. And for that, you're probably gonna need some support. You don't need to be a relationship expert to have a great relationship. But if you're trying to both run a business and fix things at home, you're probably better off with a neutral, knowledgeable third party who understands both sides of that equation. Now. I'm gonna be honest, especially for men, there's a lot of hesitation about traditional therapy and marriage counseling. Sometimes they've tried it and it didn't sit well with them. Other times they've avoided it because they dread what it might involve. Here are the three most common things I hear about it. Okay, number one, the ROI is iffy. Too much talking, too much money, too much time, and not enough actual change within a reasonable timeframe. And under all of that is a real fear that it's not gonna work. Number two, they're uncomfortable sharing vulnerable stuff in a room with two people they don't know or don't trust. And half the time they're not even sure who's who. It doesn't feel safe and it definitely doesn't feel productive. And number three, they feel like the counselor is taking their partner's side. They feel blamed, shamed, and guilted. Neither the counselor nor their partner has the responsibilities and commitments that they face every day. And as a result, they don't understand that every decision they make determines the success or failure of a business. So things that seem urgent and important to the counselor or their partner just don't rise to the same level in that person's big picture. The fact is, if traditional therapy doesn't resonate with you, then you're not gonna believe in it. And if you don't believe in the solution, then it's not a solution. I see the whole picture of relationship issues very differently. The way I see it, a relationship is a lot like a business. Working with clients on both aspects of their lives has helped me see the similarities, and in the process of helping them, I realized that the same five strategies that work to grow their business could absolutely be applied to their relationships. So I use the mindset tools and systems of business building and we apply them to relationship challenges. I'm gonna share with you five strategies of business growth applied to relationships. Number one is strategic planning. The life of a married business leader involves a high level of complexity. Your relationship requires a shared vision, clear expectations, goals, and engagement, just like your business does. And you can't do that without some serious regular planning. Number two is resource management, and there are two aspects of that. The first one is your time, energy, attention, and emotional bandwidth. And those are not infinite, so you need to prioritize. And the second one is that the logistics of running a household between kids, families, property, transportation, finances, and all the rest, takes up a lot of time and a lot of attention as well. If you don't manage resources and logistics efficiently, there's not gonna be any time left for fun or passion, intimacy or connection, the stuff that you got into the relationship for in the first place. Number three is best practices. You have to make a daily habit of doing the right things to ensure the connection with your partner stays strong, open, resilient, and passionate. This stuff just doesn't happen by accident. Number four is innovation and creativity. Businesses that don't innovate go stale and eventually get passed by by more vibrant competitors. The same is true of relationships. If you coast and rely only on the tried and true, you'll end up in a rut like roommates, directionless, and disconnected. Relationships need novelty, curiosity, and play to stay alive, and that's where creativity comes in. And number five is incremental improvement. Not everything gets solved overnight, and not every problem can be fixed with one big initiative. Like a business, relationships require consistency, testing, evaluating, revising, and adapting. You'll get the best results by taking small steps that are maintainable over time. So as you can tell, this isn't therapy. This is business strategies applied to relationships. It's targeted, it's respectful of you are, and it was developed specifically for people who think like you and have responsibilities like you have. Now, if this resonates and you'd like to learn more, the first thing to do is take the relationship dynamic scorecard. That's a free quiz that will pinpoint the precise areas of your relationship that need attention most urgently. You can take the quiz at makemorelove.show/quiz. The whole thing should take less than 10 minutes. You'll get your scorecard immediately, and it'll show you a lot. Once you've gotten your scorecard, if you'd like to go deeper, you can schedule a private one-on-one call with me. It's also free, and it'll give you direct actionable steps that you can take right away. There's no pressure, there's no judgment, there's just some clarity and something doable that can start making your life better. You can book that call at relationshipresetcall.com. So just pick a time that works for you, and you'll find the links for both the quiz and the call in the show notes. Here's what I wanna leave you with today. You know those guys at the gym with the huge upper bodies, the bulging biceps, the perfect pecs, and the 12 pack abs. But then you look down at skinny little legs and ankles that look like they could snap at any minute. In the bodybuilding world, they refer to that as skipping leg day. It's not just an aesthetic issue, it's a fundamental defect that increases your risk of injury, limits performance, and throws your whole body outta whack. Your life is the same way. If you focus only on building the business and ignore your relationship with your partner, it creates an imbalance that eventually becomes dangerously weak. And when it fails, it'll take everything down with it. There's a saying in the fitness world, "friends, don't let friends skip leg day." And listen, we are on episode 61 of this show, so if you've made it this far, you and I, If we're not friends, we are at least friendly. So as your friend, I'm telling you, don't skip this Don't let your relationship become the part of your life that you neglect until it's too far gone to fix. It's just as important as the business. One of the things I realized at the conference last week is that I'm not the most competitive coach in the world, and I'm not the most money driven one either, but what I am is someone who really gives a damn about helping people build relationships they wanna stay in forever. You deserve a partnership that feels like home to you, like fuel for everything that you're building, and that's not out of reach, but you're gonna have to stop skipping leg day. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.