63: Don’t Make These Mistakes That Will Ruin Date Night

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. Today we're gonna talk about the mistakes we make in restaurants that can ruin date night. A lot of mornings I wake up way too early and I end up mindlessly scrolling, hoping my brain gets bored so I can go back to sleep. That's when I'm most likely to get suckered by clickbait. And a few days ago, that's what happened. There was this article, "Six Things, Lower Middle Class People Do in Restaurants Without realizing How They Come Across." It looked at the behaviors that people carry into restaurants that send the wrong message and negatively affect everyone's experience. That got me thinking. A lot of what we bring to the table, our attitudes around money, service, expectations can intrude on our date nights. Without meaning to, we can show up with tension, inauthenticity, judgment, and controlling attitudes, and those can be real mood killers. So let's talk about those behaviors in the context of date night. I gotta be honest, I'm guilty of this myself. At least I used to be. Once I was having lunch with a friend and I got a Turkey burger instead of the beef burger that I ordered. The server came over and took care of it. But then the manager came over --as they do-- with the usual apologies and comped dessert offer. And I just said to him, I am not the Restaurant Rescue Squad, but this happens so often. Can't you check plates before they leave the kitchen? So it doesn't waste food and it doesn't disrupt my experience. I don't need dessert. I just need my order to be right." I felt pretty justified, but after the manager left, my friend said, "You know, Ell, You're one of the most gracious, laid back people I know. Except when you're at a restaurant. It's not that you're rude, you're just quietly kind of brutal." I admit I got defensive. I said, "You know I'm an excellent cook. I always make sure everything's perfect before I serve it. When I go out, it's to relax, to enjoy my friends and to feel taken care of. So when that doesn't happen, I get annoyed." What I hadn't realized is I was making it less enjoyable for everyone at the table. And that's the opposite of what I want. When I'm out with someone I care about, I want them to feel like they have all of me, not distracted me or irritated me. After all, being present is the single biggest factor in connecting with your partner and creating intimacy. I know for sure that my partner does not wanna have a romantic dinner with Ellen the Efficiency Expert, and I'm pretty sure that your partner doesn't wanna have dinner with the Chief Executive version of you either. But a lot of these behaviors are unconscious. So let's look at them explicitly and see where we can make changes that benefit our desired outcomes for the evening. Let's start with one really easy win. The evening will go a whole lot better if you make a reservation. In a lot of cities, walking in without one means at least 45 minutes waiting that you could be spending doing something way more fun. If you enjoy having a cocktail at the bar before dinner, then make a reservation for a little later. It's a tiny effort for a huge reward. Now let's talk about keeping the energy on track for the whole date night, from the time you leave the house until the time you get back. And let's steer clear specifically of these six date night vibe killers: Number One is displaying any kind of rudeness toward the restaurant staff. Avoiding eye contact, snapping your fingers, waving for attention, a cold tone of voice, aggressive or condescending language, ignoring the server's, questions or greetings, rolling your eyes, interrupting or talking over the staff, any of that stuff. Some of these have easy fixes that you can make, like make eye contact and acknowledge your server's, greeting in their questions. Others take a little bit more self-awareness. So here's my best advice. Imagine the server is your kid or your mom. How would you want people to treat them? You should treat your server that way. This is gonna land you in the sweet spot, friendly, respectful, and not creepy. Moving on to Number Two: Extreme Menu Hacking. That's over customizing your meal to the point where you're redesigning the whole menu, requesting multiple substitutions without any medical or ethical basis. Or making the order so complicated that it bogs down the whole kitchen. I know of no better example of extreme menu hacking than that scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally and, no, no, no, not that one. This one: I'd like the chef salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie ala mode. But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of a can, then nothing." If you can top that. I wanna hear about it. Send me an email, a DM, post it in the Facebook group. I cannot wait to hear. Look, if you have serious allergies you're gonna wanna be careful. So, call ahead and confirm that the restaurant can accommodate you. But otherwise, pick a place that you can trust. Try the dish the way it's designed, and you might find that you have a new favorite. And if you don't love it, then just leave it. And if you have to send something back, then keep it quick and quiet. For something small like "this is a little more rare than I prefer," it's fine to say that to the server, let them take care of it. But if it's a bigger issue, here's what to do: Get up, go over to the desk and talk to the manager away from the table. Your partner will probably realize what you're doing, but it's not gonna drag the whole date off course. And by the way, while we're talking about things to do away from the table, this is also the best way to handle using a gift card or a coupon. I know there's a huge debate on the internet about whether it's okay to do that on the date. Screw that, just take the bill to the desk, pay with your gift card or your Groupon or whatever, and be done with it. Number Three: Conducting a price audit. Making skeptical comments about the value or the prices, mentioning the cost of everything at the table out loud, doing bill math in the middle of the meal just to see what you're up to, or asking the server to go over the bill with you line by line. I get it. Restaurant prices are outrageous right now. Last month on my way back from Mexico, I stopped for dinner at the Denver airport. After a week of nothing but tacos, I was thinking about a nice steak until I saw they started at $66. In an airport. For a meal that wasn't likely to be a peak experience. I decided to just order the burger. I am aware that some couples bond over price outrage, that "can you believe this moment." Maybe that's part of your tradition, but if you're going for a romantic vibe, personally, I think it's better to take money talk off the table. The best way to avoid the whole panic at the menu situation is to check the prices online before you make the reservation so you don't have sticker shock with your partner sitting right there at the table. And You know, you can't talk about money without talking about tipping, which brings us to Number Four: Losing your chill over tipping. if you're staring at the bill and calculating percentages, if you're using the tip to "send a message," or under tipping, over tipping, or not tipping at all, seriously, just don't. Tipping is a hot button issue for sure, but date night is not the time to start a movement. My take is just do it. Even if the service wasn't stellar, pushing it here and now it's just gonna make your partner feel uncomfortable, especially if they disagree. One of my clients told me about his wife who kept slipping extra cash under her plate because she thought he under tipped. I suggested to him that he used that as a chance to let her influence him. And he took my advice. And he said to his wife, maybe you're right. I sure don't want you feeling embarrassed over a few dollars, so I'm gonna change it." And that one change shifted their whole dynamic in a really good way, and it went well beyond the tipping. All right, let's move on. Number five is overstaying your welcome. That's staying at the table long after you've paid, especially when the restaurant is busy and ignoring the cues from the staff that they need to turn over the table. Lingering over dessert is fine, but when the room is buzzing, the door's packed and your service dropping hints, it's really time to move on. A good rule of thumb is 90 minutes to two hours max, you don't need to set a timer or anything. Just read the room. Personally, I recommend moving on to another spot for dessert or nightcap anyway, sitting for hours after a big dinner isn't exactly, you know, conducive. And then picture two scenarios: In Scenario One, you're camped out at a table over empty coffee cups while the staff is milling around waiting to close. Scenario Two, you get out, get some fresh air, take a little stroll, land in a cozy dessert spot, or a not too noisy bar where the vibe says, "oh, come on in. Stay a while." That's a pretty easy choice if you ask me. All right. I'm just gonna go through a collection of other stuff now. Like counting calories or making negative comments about the richness of the food. Look, it's date night. Either just enjoy it or order a healthy meal without announcing it. You know what to do. Number two is poor table manners. If you don't have those down by now, then get a book. Look at YouTube. That's all I'm gonna say about that. The next one is naughty things. I'm torn about this 'cause a little bit of risque stuff can be fun, but you've gotta be discreet. If your thrill is almost getting caught, that's on you. Don't say I endorsed it! If you get caught, you could be banned from the restaurant or even worse. And. That's probably a mood killer. Maybe not. Maybe you guys kind of get off on that, but chances are it's at least gonna slow things down. And the last one of these that I'm gonna talk about is taking more than your leftovers. In most of the US taking leftovers is fine. But that doesn't mean overloading your plate at the buffet so you can box it up later, or pocketing the salt shakers or the sugar packets or the jam jars. A restaurant owner friend told me that they had to replace those things constantly. It's not classy, and if your partner is a classy person, it's just gonna make you look bad. So if you recognize any of these habits are creeping into your date nights, there could be a whole lot of other stuff too that's getting in the way of you having the rest of the romantic evening that you wanna have. And this is exactly the kind of thing I help my clients spot and change so they can turn just another dinner out into a connection that really gets to the point of date night. If you want your partner to look forward to date nights and if you both wanna leave the table feeling closer than when you sat down, I can help you with that. Let's jump on a free Relationship Reset Call, which you can sign up for at relationshipresetcall.com, and you and I can work through a plan for how to elevate your next night out. And everything else you do together for that matter. I'm looking forward to chatting with you about that. As we wrap up, I wanna share this Punch List of 10 Steps to Class Up Your Date Night #1: Plan the vibe, know the mood that you wanna set, the menu, the budget, book ahead, all that stuff. #2: Go all in. No phones, no half listening, no distractions. #3: Treat the staff the way you'd want people to treat your kid or your mom. #4: Order like you trust the chef, and keep the special requests only to the ones that are necessary. #5: Handle serious complaints away from the table if possible. 6: Keep money talk off the table, both literally and figuratively. #7: Tip reasonably if not generously. #8: Be discreet with the PDA. #9: Don't overstay once the check is paid. #10: Consider moving to another venue for a night cap or dessert to keep the energy flowing. I'm gonna end with this thought: When you get date night, right, it's not just going out for a meal. It's momentum to build the intimate intensity that you want every day, and that is what I mean when I talk to you about making more love. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.