64: “Fish or Cut Bait? A Realistic Look at Starting Over

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing business leaders build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. Be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. So let's get into it. Today I'm gonna respond to a listener question. And the reason I decided to do this is because almost everyone in a long-term relationship has thought about it at least once. What if I just started over? What if I walked away and built a new life? So our listener Gary sent me this message, and it's a vivid example of what some folks are feeling, but really don't wanna say out loud. Gary said, "I've been giving a lot of thought about whether I wanna keep doing this thing with my wife anymore. I enjoy the idea of being married, but the reality is pretty miserable. I used to love coming home. She'd greet me with a big, sexy grin, hugs and kisses. She'd dance around the kitchen while we made dinner and rub up against me when I walked by. Now every damn day, as soon as I get home, she pounces with her endless list of complaints and questions and chores. I don't know if she still has teeth because it's been so long since I've seen her smile. I'm not even attracted to her anymore. It's not that she isn't beautiful, she is. But ,the anger and contempt she spews at me is just repulsive. I remember hearing you say in your workshop about being done asking, done hoping, and done trying. Well, that's me. I don't really wanna do this anymore. Is it time for me to cut bait?" Here's my answer. Gary, let me start by saying something I believe really strongly. Not every relationship is meant to continue. Sometimes moving on is the right thing, even if the right thing for you isn't necessarily what your partner would choose, even if they are going to be hurt by the divorce, that doesn't automatically mean that you have to stay. Staying out of guilt or obligation doesn't serve either of you. If you no longer have the willingness and the desire to build something together, forcing it is not gonna make either one of you happy, But, from your message, I got the feeling that you were really not quite ready to let go. There were some things that made me think that you might still have an attachment. So with that said, there are some important clues that can help you figure out whether you're really done or whether you might still have it in you to keep trying. These are not things that most adults will say out loud. You're probably not gonna admit them to your wife, maybe not even to your best friend. These are thoughts and feelings that you can only acknowledge in your own mind, which means only you can know for sure if they're showing up for you, but here they are. The first clue is that you feel a lot of anger. It's easy to assume that anger means that you're done, but it usually actually means the opposite. If you are raging, slamming doors in your head, replaying arguments, drafting mental speeches, that is not a sign that you're ready to move on. Anger is often a cover emotion. It masks hurt and sadness, which are the deeper truths underneath, and don't be fooled by indifference either. When you tell yourself, "Whatever, I don't care anymore," that also can just be a mask. The real test is whether you can face the underlying hurt and sadness, and that sucks, but it is what leads to acceptance, and you have to reach acceptance to have any shot at a fresh start. The second clue is you wish for a different version of your partner. If you catch yourself thinking, "she just needs to do X, and then we can get back to normal, or if she would just Y, then everything would work out," that is not a sign of detaching. That's bargaining. Bargaining is a clear sign that you're still invested. You're mentally running simulations of a better future together. You're negotiating in your head for the marriage you wish you had. That shows you're not ready to fully let go. And the third clue is you still care what she thinks about you. If you think, Once I'm outta here, she's gonna be sorry," that is a clear sign that you're not ready to walk away. When her future regret is still part of your mental script, it means her opinion of you still matters. And as long as you're holding onto that, you're not emotionally free enough to make a clean break. To sum it up: anger means you're still attached Imagining better means you're still invested. Wanting validation means you're still tethered. I know many of you have felt like Gary at one time or another. So let's talk about this in a broader context. If one or more of these clues hit home for you, I'm not surprised. About half of married couples report long-term unresolved conflict in their relationships. A third wish their partner would change in some major way, and a third admit that they still care deeply about what their spouse thinks about them. If these clues apply to you and your relationship, then statistically speaking, that means there's at least a 50% chance you're not ready to cut bait just yet. And it raises the real question. If you're still hooked, then what do you do? Next, I'm going to share a straightforward, three-step strategy that will help you move in the right direction. Step number one is to commit to repair. We all know people who talk endlessly about all the negative things their spouse did. And it's like they're stuck in the movie Groundhog Day, reliving the same pain over and over again. That's what happens when someone leaves a relationship without repairing it first. I want better for you. The best way to make that possible is to disconnect the repair process from the outcome. In other words, repair the relationship, whether you stay in it or not, because it's likely that you will continue to be in each other's lives, even if you end up divorced, especially if you have children or shared friends, or even just a long history together. If you want to live with integrity and have peace of mind, you need to work to at least develop a neutral, respectful position. Step number two is to shift your mindset. If you keep doing the same things over and over again, and yet the problems persist, then you already know that that's not gonna work. It's like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole. You've been asking, should I stay or go for so long that you might have lost sight of the real issue and what a solution would even look like. So here's a quick reflection exercise that you can run through in your head. It's five questions: 1: What's the specific issue I'm working on right now in my relationship? 2: Why does this matter to me? 3: What outcome would I actually like to see? 4: What have I already tried and how well has that worked? 5: What are two different options I could consider next? This simple exercise shifts you out of spinning your wheels and into thinking strategically about your relationship. Step three is to map out a strategy. One of my favorite movies is Apollo 13, and there's one scene that I think about a lot when relationship issues start to get complicated. It's when the astronauts are arguing over the procedure for restarting their spacecraft, and Jim Lovell says, There's a thousand things that have to happen in order. We are on number eight, and you are talking about number 692." Unfortunately, restarting a relationship isn't nearly as straightforward as restarting a spacecraft There's no procedure manual, and the problems aren't always obvious. And if you tackle them out of order, it's not gonna work. One of the biggest mistakes is focusing on solving the wrong issue. To help my clients see the bigger picture I created a model, I call it the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs, and it's a pyramid where the base is stability where we're having our basic survival needs met. The next level is security, feeling safe and knowing that your partner is dependable. Then the next one up is belonging. That's feeling accepted and wanted. And then the next one above that is Affinity, which is about liking, respecting, and genuinely wanting to be with each other. And finally at the top is intimacy, where the deepest connections become accessible. Too often couples argue about surface problems like leaving wet towels on the bed, for instance, when the real breakdown is happening somewhere else in this hierarchy. It's not really about towels at all. It's about not feeling valued or respected, and that is an Affinity problem. So you're not fighting about laundry, you're fighting about respect. I explain this hierarchy in detail in Episode 4 of the show. It's called Simplifying Complex Relationship Dynamics. And if you wanna understand how the hierarchy plays out in real life, that's a great episode for you to listen to. But there's also something quick and easy and free that you can do right now to pinpoint the real causes of conflict in your relationship, and that is the relationship dynamics quiz. I developed it to show you exactly where the breakdowns are happening in your relationship and how to start to fix them. Because the fastest way to make progress is to focus on the one area that will create the biggest improvement right now. Once you know that you can move forward with clarity and momentum, and then the other issues will start to show themselves in a more realistic light. The Relationship Dynamics Quiz is free and it's short. It's just 15 multiple choice questions I am sure it's not gonna take you more than 10 minutes. Um, and you can take it anytime you like. You just need to go to makemorelove.show/quiz, and it'll take you right there. And then once you take the quiz, you'll get your scorecard. And if you wanna go deeper into your specific results, you can also book a Relationship Reset Call, where we'll identify one or two steps that will get you moving in the right direction. So what if you're inclined to go for the fresh start? What if you really think you'd be better off getting a divorce and starting over? As I said before, not every relationship should continue, and sometimes leaving really is the healthier path. But you also shouldn't be seduced into believing that your whole life will magically get better the moment you walk away. Everyone knows that divorce is gonna cost you financially, and that's a serious cost. In fact, if you are a business owner, divorce is the single biggest risk to the success of your business in the long term. But there are other costs that are even more challenging. You lose parts of your identity, your place in the world, and sometimes even your self-worth. Here are some of the hidden costs most people underestimate until they're living with them. The first one is the social costs. Your social circle will change. People you thought were lifelong friends may drift away or disappear altogether. People who say they understood your need to be free, may quietly cut you off. Your whole community might shift away from you, and you'll expect some of it, but you're gonna be shocked by how isolating it feels in real life. Another one is the status cost. Divorce is really common, but some people will still judge you for it. There are subtle ways that colleagues, neighbors, family will treat you once you're divorced. It's rarely open criticism, but the undertone is there. I've experienced this personally. Another cost is loneliness. Even if your marriage feels cold and lonely now, the absence of a human daily connection, no one to come home to, no one to share a win or a laugh with actually can be much more lonely than you would've imagined. And then there's Confidence. No matter how successful you are in business. Divorce can hit your self image. Like, if I couldn't make this work, what does that say about me? Am I really a failure? And these are questions that we all have to deal with. And let's not forget Guilt and shame. Whether it's guilt over hurting your partner, guilt about your kids living in a broken home, shame about failing. This can be a real head trip, and it gets in the way of you getting what you want. And then the last cost I wanna talk about is the carryover effect. Because if you don't solve the underlying problems and patterns in your own life, you're likely to just replay them in your next relationship. And a fresh start isn't really fresh unless you've rebuilt yourself so that you don't relive these problems in relationship after relationship. Let me explain how this can show up in your real life. This is a story about Mark, who's one of my VIP clients. Mark and Dave had been best friends since high school. They built their careers side by side, and they eventually became business partners. Their wives, Karen and Susan, were just as close, so the four of them formed a tight knit circle that lasted for decades, but then Mark and Karen got divorced and everything changed. The business partnership between Mark and Dave survived, but the friendship didn't. Outside of work, Dave and Susan cut ties with Mark. No more barbecues or trips or holidays together. It's ironic that even though Mark and Karen are happier now, Susan didn't handle the breakup easily. Out of loyalty to Karen, she still refuses to socialize with Mark or his new girlfriend, and Dave of course isn't gonna side with anybody over his wife. So Mark lost his best friend and had to rebuild his social life. And beyond that, there was a lot of gossip around the office too. Honestly, people can be so judgy. That was a real social cost. And yet, here's the other side of the story. Even with the upheaval, Mark is happy with his choice to start fresh. It took a couple of years for him to rebuild everything and to get his head back in his business game and to get his life on a better track. But he and Karen have a better relationship now than they did when they were married. And Mark's kids are grown up, but the whole family is close and there are no issues with them having both parents at important life events. And Mark has a beautiful, loving and sexy partner Lily, who loves, appreciates and respects him. Once the dust settled, Mark made some changes to the business. He bought out Dave. He simplified the business model and cut back on the number of employees he needed. And he also freed himself up to spend more time with Lily. The point is both paths have costs and both can lead to fulfillment, but only if you do the inner work first. Here are three key points I hope you're gonna take away from today's episode. The first one is that you need to look for mental and emotional clues within yourself to know if you're really ready to walk away. Number two is that should you decide to stay, there is a straightforward strategy to help you move your relationship in the right direction: Commit to repair, Shift your mindset, and map out a strategy. Number three is make sure that you're solving the right problem. By looking at the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs and taking the Relationship Dynamics Quiz, you can have confidence that you are working on the correct problem and the one that's gonna return the greatest result. The links to everything I mentioned are in the show notes. Okay, I am gonna finish up with this thought: People expect that divorce is gonna have costs, but they rarely assess the situation accurately and it's much harder than they think it's going to be. People also underestimate the cost of staying, that can really eat away at you from the inside. What matters most is choosing the path that aligns with the life that you want to build next. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.