66: "We Never Fight"-The Bright Side… and the Dark Side Too

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it, so you don't miss anything. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. My friend Geoff and I were having a conversation about fighting the other day. It started out as a discussion about whether it's normal for siblings to fight, and I said I think it's natural to fight with people you're closest to. Maybe that's a way of testing how far you can push them and know they'll still be there for you when really bad things happen. He thought that was an interesting perspective and it led to another question. What do you think when couples say "we never fight?" So that's what we're gonna talk about today on the show. Thank you my friend, for the inspiration. Before we get into today's topic, I've gotta say something. When you've got serious relationship issues, smart, logical thinkers like you seek expert advice, but that's often where it goes wrong. We're drowning in relationship advice that doesn't help usually because we haven't figured out what the hell is actually going wrong in the first place. And most of the time we really don't know. It's like that damn check engine light on the car. It lets you know something's wrong, but it doesn't tell you what. For that you have to take it to a mechanic, someone who runs a diagnostic and gives you a repair plan. I kept thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could just do that for your relationship? So I decided to build something. It's called the Make More Love Relationship dynamics quiz. It's free, at least for now, and it's completely private, so there's no spilling your guts to a stranger, and there's also no homework. It is just 15 multiple choice questions. I'd be shocked if it took you more than five or 10 minutes. You'll get instant results and a recommendation on exactly what area to tackle first, to get to the heart of your relationship issue. Then if you'd like more help building a step-by-step strategy, you can book in for a conversation with me where we'll walk through the results and get you started on a better path. the last thing you need is more advice. What you need is clarity, and a plan. But more than anything, you need results. Please don't stop listening to this episode. It's too good to miss. But right afterward, head over to makemorelove.show/quiz, and then just click the button to get started. Now let's continue our conversation. I can think of so many reasons why couples would say they never fight. And I'm gonna share all of those with you. Because at first that sounds great, doesn't it? You might think it would be so easy to have a relationship when there's no fighting. But when you look closer, "We never fight" can mean a lot of different things, and not all of those are good. Let's start with what's your definition of fighting? For me, at the top level, there are two kinds of fighting cold wars and hot wars, and I'm gonna do two episodes because there's a lot to say about each of those styles of conflict. In the next episode, we're gonna get into the Hot War style, and I'm hoping to get to see the new movie The Roses and share my thoughts with you on that. It's a remake of a really good movie from I think the nineties, called The War of the Roses, about a couple who are fighting over who gets the house in a divorce and it gets outta hand. That one was a comedy. This one doesn't look so comedy, but we'll see. So today I'm gonna talk about the Cold War style of conflict. The couples who swear up and down, "oh, we never fight," so let's look at what that really means. Okay. There are three underlying reasons for Cold War style fighting, and I've got a lot to say about each one of those reasons, so we're gonna go through them one by one. The first one is disengagement and avoidance. One reason for saying "we never fight" is an issue of pride. These couples believe that they are above petty squabbling. It's somewhat Victorian, actually. Everything looks perfect from the outside. But the downside of that is that they never let themselves get into anything messy enough to actually build intimacy. You've probably seen this behavior in some of your older relatives and older friends, but I'm not sure it's as common as it used to be. A second one that I think is more common is low engagement. Sometimes the reason couples never fight is because they never talk. They've basically checked out and they're not invested enough in the relationship anymore to think that there's anything that's worth starting a fight over. I've said in previous episodes that your partner's desire to fight with you is actually a good sign. It means on some level, they still care. When there's low engagement, these folks who never fight, it's not such a great thing. A third reason in this category is due to power imbalance, and that's a little bit darker, right? That could mean self erasure. Where one person continually sacrifices their needs just to keep the peace, and that's unhealthy enough, but even worse are the situations where one partner is always giving in out of fear of the emotional or even physical repercussions. That situation is extremely dangerous and really shouldn't continue, and if you see people who are saying, we never fight, and it's really, "we never fight because I'm afraid of my partner." All I have to say on that is "friends don't let friends stay in that situation." And still, another possibility in this area is the perception of fragility. Some couples avoid conflict because they're terrified of losing the relationship, especially in Second Chance relationships. They walk on eggshells. One wrong move could end it, so they avoid any conflict at all costs. So yeah, these might all look peaceful on the outside, but what's really happening is avoidance and avoidance will eat away at your connection pretty quickly. A second underlying reason for avoidance of fighting is temperament and perceptions. Sometimes it's not about disconnection per se, it's more about how people are wired or how they perceive conflict. Of course, there's the definition problem. Some people perceive fighting as yelling or calling each other names or throwing things. So when they say we never fight, what they really mean is we don't yell, But there can be plenty of stonewalling, sulking, the silent treatment, and those are just as much fighting as raised voices. And in some cases, those can be even more damaging to the relationship. Then you've got couples where one or even both partners simply cannot tolerate discomfort. They are wired for harmony. They'll swallow their feelings just to keep things smooth, even if it means staying silent. It's not exactly fear. It's more like, "Ugh, I don't wanna deal with this." My dad was like this. He grew up in a hot war style of home. There was lots of verbal abuse, and I believe there was even physical abuse, although he never talked about that. But as a result, he would not tolerate any kind of fighting in our household. He never allowed disagreements to play out in our family. When I was 13 and my mom and I were getting into screaming matches, he would actually physically come in and stop it like an NFL official. I bet he would've loved to have a whistle. And you know what? That wasn't healthy either because it left tons of unresolved issues that hung around for years, and it taught all of us not to confront anyone in the family no matter what. It's actually the the opposite of what I said about why it's natural for people who are close to fight with each other, and that's not a lesson you wanna carry into adulthood. I spent years figuring out how to deprogram myself from this way of being. So those are the more negative aspects to it. But the third underlying reason is more positive. It's philosophy and healthy skills. Not every couple who says they never fight is in trouble. Sometimes that's a sign of something that's actually healthy. There are those rare couples who are just really compatible. Their values and goals are so aligned that they honestly don't bump into each other very much. That's not so common, but it does happen. and, some Couples share a philosophy or a worldview that helps them rise above conflict. These might be grounded in religious teachings or mindfulness practices, or they just might have a stoic approach to life. They still disagree, but they don't really see that as fighting or even as conflict. They just see it as discussions and problems to solve. And then there are couples who've learned how to deal with things before they turn into big problems. This is where my husband and I fall. We practice what I would describe as incremental problem solving. We deal with stuff as it comes up so it doesn't have a chance to escalate. In 17 years together, we've only had a couple of disagreements that anyone else would label as fights. And it's not that we never speak to each other harshly or maybe get a little bit snarky from time to time because we do, but we don't perceive that as fighting. We just see it as a sign that outside stress or old wounds are showing up. And that mindset keeps us aligned even when things get tense. And one more point, if there's any voice getting raised in our household, it's going to be mine because, my husband never raises his voice. This is an Easter egg for him because I know he listens to the show, but it's also true. So what can you do if you and your partner, "never fight?" Here are three tips for things to look at in your relationship. The first tip is to look beneath the surface. Ask yourself, why do you never fight? Is this genuine compatibility or is it avoidance or fear or temperament? Is your calm really connection or is it distance? Getting honest about that is the first step. Tip number two is attack the problem, not each other. When you're in the middle of a disagreement, especially a big one, One of the most important shifts you can make is to stop seeing your partner as the enemy. Reframe it. So the two of you are on the same side working together against the problem. The problem is the enemy. That mindset takes the edge off, and if you are a conflict avoidant kind of person, it's a very safe way to start engaging more honestly and authentically with your partner when you have disagreements. That's exactly how incremental problem solving works in my relationship. We treat the problem as the problem, not each other. And the third tip is to practice on small stuff. If you are not used to airing grievances and to resolving conflicts or problems together, or if you're just starting to get more honest and open about disagreements in your relationship, don't start with the hardest issue because there's so much energy and emotion built up in that, that's bound to lead to a big blow up. And neither one of you wants that because if you wanted that, you'd do the hot style. So start small, disagree about dinner plans or who's taken out the trash. Practice handling little things without shutting down or blowing up, and that's how you build the muscle for bigger stuff. So this is the bottom line. The issue isn't whether you fight or not. The real question to ask yourself is what does "never fighting" actually mean in your relationship and to your relationship? For some couples, it's gonna be a red flag. For others, it's about temperament or how they define conflict. And for a few, it's the result of shared values, healthy habits, and a laid back approach to life in general. Next week we're gonna be flipping to the other side, the hot war tactics, the blowups, the battles, the fights that go too far. And I'm gonna share with you what healthy fighting actually looks like, and you might be surprised by some of that, so you don't wanna miss it. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.