67: Hot War Fighting Tactics that Will Wreck Your Relationship

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it, so you don't miss anything. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Last week we talked about Cold War fighting styles. That's my shorthand for conflict avoidant moves like the silent treatment or stonewalling freeze out, or even walkouts. I had the idea that this would be a two-part series, but apparently I have a lot to say on this topic because it turned into a four part series. So now part one last week was Cold War Tactics. In part two today we're moving up into the hot war styles in part three. Next time I'll lay out my three-phase system for rewiring the way you and your partner fight. And then in part four, we're gonna break down the movie The Roses. I just saw that last weekend, and it is a gold mine, really. Basically a case study of the relationship hierarchy of needs, the spiral of decline, and some unforgettable examples of fighting tactics that we're gonna cover Then. I don't see how you could even think of missing these episodes. So if you haven't already subscribed, tagged, or followed the show, you definitely gonna wanna do that right now. So now let's have a look at hot war fighting tactics and why they raise the stakes in any relationship. The first point I wanna make is that Cold War and hot war styles aren't actually opposites. They're not even really two different things. They're two ends of the same spectrum of escalating conflict, fueled by unmet expectations, unspoken hurts Resentments, complaints and power imbalances that pile up over time. So I'm gonna break down that spectrum and then I'll give you some tools to keep your relationship from drifting into the hot zone. There's a behavior I see in relationships that to me is the turning point where Cold War escalates to hot. That behavior is bickering, and I've got a story that illustrates this really well. When I was in my twenties, I had these older friends, Ken and Vidalia, they were in their fifties, and each of them had been married a couple of times before. When I started spending more time with them, I noticed that they bickered constantly. They weren't screaming or throwing plates, just this steady drip of subtle digs and passive aggressive criticism. Ken would put on this sing songy voice trying to make himself sound lighthearted, but in reality it was super condescending. Like, "Darling, how many times have I told you not to leave my good knives in the sink? And Vidalia would fire right back. "And how many times have I asked you not to leave them out?" And then he'd come back with, "When I'm cooking, I'm an artist. I don't want to disrupt my creative process." And she'd come back with, "Well, one of the first things they teach REAL chefs is to clean up as you go." And so on and so on, and so on and so on. A constant flow of this shit all day long. Being around them was just exhausting. So one day I asked Vidalia, "Doesn't all that bickering make you feel bad? How do you keep it from getting to you?" She looked at me like I was speaking, Klingon. She said, "I have no idea what you mean. Ken and I never fight." Their bickering had just become the soundtrack of their relationship. If they had ever been aware that they were doing it, they had long ago forgotten, and it had just become the way that they talk to each other. A lot of people think that bickering is harmless, but I disagree because I see it as the habit of expressing unconscious contempt and contempt is deadly to relationships. John Gottman calls contempt the single biggest predictor of divorce, bigger than fighting, even bigger than infidelity. I suppose it's possible that the bickering didn't harm Ken and Vidalia's relationship. Honestly, I never could get a read on whether they were happy or not, but I would not want my relationship to be like that, and I don't want that for you and yours either. Here's why. Gottman is right. Contempt is dangerous. So if you ask me if bickering becomes your norm, you've already crossed the threshold into the hot war style of fighting. The next level of escalation beyond bickering is arguing. You know, bickering can be unconscious and habitual. You might not even notice you're doing it A lot of the time. You're not even really angry. It's just becomes a reflex. By contrast, arguing is conscious. You know, you're in it, you're mad, and you're invested in it. You know what the argument is about, and you're both aware of what you're doing. But awareness doesn't equal consciousness. You can do a lot of unconscious damage in the course of a purposeful argument. One of the biggest risks, I think, is the language that you use. The words themselves can be toxic. I talked about this in episode 11. I made an analogy between toxic words and apple seeds, which are poisonous. Swallowing, the occasional apple seed is not gonna kill you. The poison really only comes out if you chew on 'em, and it would still take a lot of seeds to do you any real harm. But there's still the danger. Is there. Words in your relationship work kind of the same way. When you use insults or you attack your partner's character, you release a little bit of poison. A snarky comment, a sarcastic jab, a mean nickname, each one on its own might not seem like a big deal, but if you aim at your partner's character instead of focusing on an issue, that toxicity is gonna build up. But assuming you steer clear of toxic territory, arguing usually has a rational motivation and focuses on a clear issue, even if the delivery isn't pretty. However, when you start to lose emotional control or perspective. Arguing tilts toward fighting, which is more overtly aggressive and often comes with more intense body language. Yelling and stomping around. Slamming doors. Big hand gestures. It's high drama. Actually, no, it's like theatrical. It's a performance. So why do some couples normalize this? There's a few reasons. Sometimes it's family dynamics. Maybe you grew up in a loud household where everyone had big feelings and shared those out loud. Sometimes it's the adrenaline rush that comes with that. That energy spike can feel really quite intense and intimate both in the moment and even after the fight cools down. Volatile couples often say We fight hard, we love hard, and they'll hold up the intensity, even the makeup sex as proof of both their passion and their resilience. You know, I'm really not buying it. My gut tells me the fights stopped being about solving a problem a long time ago. Instead, they've become part of a cycle. The blowups drive you apart, then the makeups pull you back together. But if the issue isn't resolved, it just sets you up for another round sometime now or in the future. And I get it that that kind of intensity feels exciting in the moment. It's like almost addictive. But if you're honest, maybe it's not passion. Maybe it's just keeping you stuck behind walls that stop you from having a deeper connection. So that is something to think about. And sometimes conflict styles are cultural. Some cultures are just well expressive and this is normal and healthy if you're used to it. A perfect illustration of this is the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. There's some priceless scenes where the reserved WASP family comes up against the flamboyant Greek family and they're just perfect. And that reminds me. We need to talk about mixed marriages, and I don't mean cultural or religious differences. I mean, when one person has a loud, direct hot war fighting style and the other one doesn't have that frame of reference, and that can be disastrous. I have a good friend and our dynamic is like this. She grew up in a high volume, volatile family where it was completely normal to lay into someone hard and direct if they displeased you. If you listen to the last episode, now you know that that's not at all my background. So the first couple of times we had even like a minor disagreement, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I shut down completely for hours, to be honest. But over the years I've come to understand it a little bit better and not take it quite so personally. I won't say that I enjoy it, but I can deal with it much better. It's harder for her though, because if you've always had that volatile conflict style, it's not so easy to reign that in. I know she'd like to, but in high emotion moments, she simply doesn't have the control. But I love her anyway. And another thing about my friend, she has a super short memory. A few minutes later, after she's blown up, she's right back to being her funny, loving, sweet and snarky self where I would remain butt hurt for a long time. This kind of difference between friends or lovers can be huge when you find yourself in a conflict style mismatch. I think it's important to say that I do not believe that volatility alone will always erode trust. If you're used to it, the loud fights pass like water under a bridge, but you have to watch for the tone, not just the volume. The more contempt, criticism, and low blows you throw in, the more you push your partner away. And over time the fights stop being about solving problems and start being about winning. And that's when the line between fighting and abuse gets dangerously thin. And once you cross that line, the next level is brutality. I'm talking about intentional gaslighting, verbal abuse, punching walls, throwing things. If your fights are at this level, you need to hear me clearly. It is not safe and it is not an option to just let it play out over time. Letting it blow over is a major cop out. At this point, you must get outside help because once it reaches this level, it's dangerous for both of you to stay in the relationship without some kind of intervention. So now we've covered the whole spectrum from bickering to arguing, to fighting all the way up to brutalizing. Let's talk about how you know if it's time to change your conflict style. If you are listening to this and thinking, yeah, some of this hits a little too close to home, how can you know if it's just a style difference, or if it's a real problem that needs your attention? Here are four questions to ask yourself. Number One: Is what I'm doing getting me what I actually desire? Number Two: Does my fighting style bring me and my partner closer, or does it drive us farther apart? Number Three: Once the dust settles, do I feel understood and connected or drained, distant and resentful? And Number Four: Does my conflict style solve problems or does it create more problems than it solves? Do the fights themselves become the issue? If your answers lean toward the second half of those questions, then it's probably time to think about something new. And next week I'm gonna take you through a system that's gonna completely rewire how you fight and change your approach to it. But if you don't think you should wait until next week, you don't have to. You can book a Relationship Reset Call with me. It's free, it's private. It's 15 minutes. We're gonna pinpoint the biggest pressure points in your relationship and map out a couple of immediate steps to shift things, and you can do that anytime by going to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time that works for you. I'll be here when you're ready. That said, in next week's episode, I'm gonna lay out my three phase system for escaping hot war conflict and shifting the way you and your partner fight to something that is more healthy and more productive. It's not about killing off the passion, it's about channeling that passion into problem solving that actually strengthens your relationship. So if you ever wished you had a roadmap for how to stop the blowups and start building a deeper connection, that's what's coming next week. As we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number One: Cold War and Hot War not are opposites. They're points on a single scale of escalating conflict. Number Two: Bickering is not harmless. It's the turning point where Cold war slips into hot war. And Number Three: intensity is not intimacy, even if there's makeup sex involved. High emotion arguments create distance. That's why healthier alternatives matter. So here's what I want you to take away from all of this. Conflict is inevitable between couples. Bickering, arguing, and even the occasional blowup, none of those things mean your relationship is broken or is doomed. What matters is how you handle it. Do you let contempt creep in? Do you let volatility become the normal way that you communicate? If you recognize yourself in the hot war style, don't beat yourself up. Just recognize that intensity is a double-edged sword. The same fire that makes you so passionate can also burn down your house If you don't do anything to tamp it down. The key is to learn how to channel that fire into building rather than destroying. And this is worth repeating. Once a fight tips into brutality, that gaslighting abuse and physical intimidation, that's no longer a style difference, that's a danger zone that requires outside help. If you're there, you shouldn't even try to fix that alone. At the end of the day, conflict handled well can actually deepen your connection because when you face tough stuff together and truly resolve it, you build trust, resilience, and intimacy, and that's what makes a relationship worth fighting for. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.