69: Case Study-The Rise and Fall of a Relationship

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it, so you don't miss anything. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. Before we get into today's topic, I have an announcement. Make More Love is moving to a new schedule starting in October. We'll release new episodes twice a month, so look for the next episode on October 23rd. However, we are gonna be posting new content in multiple formats on multiple platforms, so you'll still get relationship insights from me every week. Be sure to follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, and or Facebook so you don't miss any of the new stuff. I'll put links in the show notes. Now let's get into it. Today I'm gonna do something a little different. I've been teasing this for a few weeks now. We're doing a case study of the rise and fall of a relationship based on the movie The Roses. It's an ideal case study for two reasons. First, this scenario it portrays is so common. I bet it's familiar to a lot of you. Two ambitious people meet, they build a life together. And then major life events hit, career shifts, role changes, unexpected setbacks, et cetera. Second, it perfectly illustrates the issues that are addressed by the Make More Love model on the Hierarchy of Relationship Needs and the Spiral of Decline. It makes it easy for us to see what the couple is missing, the disruptions in their relationship, and the opportunities to make adjustments before it's too late. So spoiler alert: If you haven't seen The Roses yet, you might wanna pause here and go see it first, then come back when you're ready. In the meantime, you can go back and listen to Episode 4, which is where I walk you through the details of the Hierarchy of Relationship Needs and the Spiral of Decline. This review is my personal opinion, my view of the situation, the way it plays out. You might not agree with my interpretation and I would love to actually hear your take on it. so feel free to reach out. When the movie opens we meet Theo and Ivy Rose, two rising stars in their professions. He's a charismatic architect, and she's a disciplined and adventurous chef. Their immediate attraction to each other goes beyond the obvious physical stuff. In my opinion, It's their shared ambition that's the real fire behind this connection that they make. Theo and Ivy are the poster children for the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs. They both come to the relationship being physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy. Then, You see the escalation from vitality, to establishing stability and security, and then creating a strong sense of belonging, showing real affinity for each other and feeding the intimate intensity of their bond. They get married and they set out on a very familiar path. Theo throws himself into his architectural masterpiece and building his reputation. Ivy is making her mark in the restaurant kitchens, but once the kids arrive, Ivy chooses to step back from her profession and take the lead at home. Even so, her need for an outlet for her ambition comes out in these wild kitchen experiments and her drive for perfection. The situation looks normal, but the seeds of destruction are being planted. And why do I say that? Because their relationship is built on mutual ambition and that's no longer common ground for them. Meanwhile, we the audience, we know we're not watching a romcom. Instead, The Roses has the arc of a classic disaster film. A disaster movie might open with a story line like a massive bridge between two cities, a lifeline for the people on either side. Everyone is trucking along, driving across that bridge, oblivious to what's happening beneath them. But then the camera cuts away and shows us the bolts shaking loose and the concrete crumbling. Now, I said everyone is oblivious, but that's not completely true. The experts know. They see the signs. They try to warn people, but of course, no one's listening. Alright, let's get back to the movie we were talking about. Next, we're gonna explore the life events that derail the couple and how the Spiral of Decline kicks off. I might be biased, but I think this couple might have been better off not having kids. They both have such an intense drive to be acknowledged and rewarded for their work. It's too much a part of their identity and their relationship to ignore, but they carry on. They go through a series of disruptions one after another, piling on until the couple hits a critical juncture. You'll see what I mean. Disruption number one is Ivy's transition to homemaker. Both she and Theo are biased. Neither one of them sees leading the home front being as valuable as being the outside earner. For Ivy, it plays out kind of subtly because the societal expectation to put children first makes her choice seem natural on the surface, but underneath she loses a part of herself and like so many women, she lives her whole life torn between her role as a parent and her dream of outside success. Then there's an interesting twist. Theo suggests that they buy a restaurant. He views it as a hobby business for Ivy, and she seems to view it that way too. But later when the restaurant starts to take off, she attacks the opportunity with the ferocity of a tiger freed from a cage. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Disruption number two is Theo's career collapse. Pretty early on, Theo faces a career crisis, his ability to earn, and with it, his identity is shattered. In the wake of that, he and Ivy decide to flip their roles. Theo clearly views this change as the result of his failure, so he goes into the home management role with something to prove. He turns running the household into his new arena for achievement. Both Theo and Ivy cover up their true attachment to their careers with performative enthusiasm and forced happiness It's not that they don't love their kids and their life, but the loss of the outside recognition and validation is a great cost to both of their egos. If they had been open about their feelings at this point, they might have brought in a therapist, a coach, a counselor, someone who could help them reframe the situation and get clear on the value of both roles, along with some practical communication skills and alignment tools to keep them connected. But they don't, and that missed opportunity accelerates their decline. Disruption three is when they settle in to these new roles, they both give in and resign themselves to the new dynamic. Yet Theo pours all of his frustrated ambition into controlling the kids and reshaping them without Ivy's input. It's high performance parenting, but it's ultimately self-serving, his way of clawing back a sense of authority after losing his career. And also it does appear that he's deliberately locking Ivy out. Ivy meanwhile, is consumed by her restaurant's runaway success, disconnecting more and more from the family, and when she does try to reconnect, she finds that she's become an outsider, where she was once the center of the family. Now she's on the outside looking in and it devastates her, but instead of calling it out and making a change, she just swallows it and keeps going. Since Ivy no longer has a sense of belonging at home, she buries herself even deeper into her work where there's no doubt about her importance. I don't know if that sounds familiar to any of you. The way the two of them resign themselves to this new reality should be a bright red line, an urgent signal to bring in an expert, but once again, they ignore it and the decline deepens into alienation. Disruption four is the desperation move Ivy makes a grand gesture to try to pull the relationship back. She buys a property though without Theo's input and presents it to him as an opportunity to build his dream house for the family. She paints it as a loving and generous offer, but it's not. It's a bribe and a power move. An attempt to buy back intimacy without addressing the rift. And that doesn't work. Grand gestures rarely do. All it does is set up a new battlefront. Also, while Ivy claims the houses for the whole family, she views the money to pay for it as hers, because she's the one who earns it. That mindset tees up even more conflict down the line. Let's pause for a public service announcement here. You know, I hear this same complaint from a lot of folks who are going through a divorce. They say, why should I have to give my partner half of my money and pay for their lawyer? They could have gone out and earned their own money instead of sitting home all day or playing around with their little side projects. I'm gonna say this real loud for the A-holes in the back of the room. Unless you had a prenup, Every dollar you bring in is equally owned by you and your partner. You signed that contract and you don't get to weasel out now. And if you are somehow convinced that your situation is different, please let me know how that goes when you go in front of the judge. Alright, Back to our regular programming. The House project could have been a catalyst to rebuild respect and collaboration between the couple, but instead it's more fuel for the fire that eventually burns down their life Disruption Five is when their cruelty goes public. This is where the situation turns really ugly. Their anger starts spilling out into the open. Friends and family witness this growing contempt and the verbal abuse between them, and any rational person at this point would seek out expert help. But this is a movie, so of course they don't. The abuse escalates and then they start deliberately finding ways to hurt each other, damaging each other's reputations, undermining each other at every turn. And even cruel physical acts. They are enemies. And they're each determined to take the other one down. We have now hit the bottom of the spiral of decline, neglect hardened into contempt, and then moved into cruelty, and they've reached the point of no return. The last few scenes of the movie are brutal. And honestly, I find myself just wanting to put both of them outta my misery. And that's the synopsis, 'cause I'm not gonna tell you how it ends. The Roses shows us disruption after disruption, and at each one, they miss the chance to repair or get help. At this point, the only thing that can save them is a miracle or a Hollywood ending. Now let's talk about you. What forces could be disrupting your relationship? And are you catching them or are you letting things slide that you shouldn't? Like I said earlier, the story of The Roses mirrors the lives of millions of driven business leaders. But unlike in the movies, We don't have writers who can script us a happy ending. And while miracles are nice, you really shouldn't count on them. So if you're not sure where the cracks are in your own relationship, I've built a simple tool to help. It's called the Relationship Dynamics Scorecard, and it shows you exactly which parts of your relationship need your attention right away. Now you can take it by going to MakeMoreLove.show/Quiz. It's private, it's free. It only takes a few minutes, and you'll get your results right away. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.