70: Playing the Long Game in Relationships or How I Spent My Vacation

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it, so you don't miss anything. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Steve and I just got back from our 10th anniversary trip. It was a Viking River Cruise from Budapest to Passau. We'd promised each other this trip for years, and we finally made it happen. It felt like a real milestone, not just because it was 10 years, but because of what we saw and who we met along the way. The trip was incredible. It was so much beautiful scenery and vineyards and churches and castles, and I loved seeing all the countries and all the historic sites and trying all the food. But when I think about what I liked the most, it was the people that we met and spent our time with. There were a bunch of people that we connected with early. There were two couples we connected with right away, and we spent most of our evenings with them. We all had a genuine mutual interest and never ran out of conversation. Then there were these two incredibly fun women who came on the trip together and left their husbands at home. I believe it's important to make room for independence, even if you're part of a couple. And then there was this beautiful and charming lesbian couple who'd been together for 49 years. And they were a bit inspiring because I'm cognizant of the numerous obstacles that they probably faced over all those years. If I'm being honest, I'd had some reservations about going on this trip. I knew the Viking demographic was gonna skew older, and I'm uncomfortable about the idea of getting old. I also expected the crowd to be wealthier and whiter than I might have wished for. And yeah, a lot of that did turn out to be true. Most of the guests were probably in their late sixties to mid eighties and. Steve and I were among the few who were not already retired. And everybody there was clearly doing very well for themselves. By the way, don't believe anyone who says money can't buy happiness, the evidence tells a different story. Another thing that defined this group, it seemed like everyone had been married for decades. Most of them had been together for 30 or 40 or even 50 years. Steve and I did the math and we realized we'll have to live to be 96 and 94 to hit our own 50th. We made a deal right there that that's what we were gonna do. I couldn't help but notice how the couples interacted with each other. Now, to be fair, I didn't talk personally with every couple, but I had plenty of opportunities to observe, and I'm not gonna say it was all rainbows and lollipops. There were a few who were properly cranky, just with life in general. Mostly though the people were lovely to each other. They had clearly figured each other out. These folks had mastered the long game of relationships, and a few things really stood out. I'm gonna share what those are in just a minute and how you can master them for yourself. But first, if the thought of being with your partner for 50 years isn't making you feel warm and fuzzy, I get it. A lot of people have a hard time picturing that far into the future anyway, and especially if things don't feel particularly good right now. So if you're sitting there thinking, "I'll be happy if we just don't end up killing each other," I wanna help you shift that mindset. Let's jump on a Relationship Reset Call and see what we can do to help you turn things around. The call is free, private, and quick. It's just 15 minutes, you and me, talking through your specific situation and laying out real steps you can take to start making things better right away. Nothing good is gonna come from hanging out alone with your thoughts. So here's what you can do that will make a difference: Head over to www.relationshipresetcall.com and grab a spot on my calendar. Pick a time when you'll have peace and privacy, where you can focus on what you wanna get out of the call. This isn't a sales pitch, it's a roll-up-your-sleeves working session, designed to help you get real results. You'll find the link in the show notes, and I'll be here when you're ready. Now let's get back to playing and winning the long game of relationships. There is a promise I make at the heart of everything I talk about and it is, "Create a relationship you actually want to stay in forever." But what does it take really to make that happen? From what I saw on my trip, there were three key moves that showed up again and again among the couples who seemed to be the happiest. So I'm gonna share those with you now. The first one is acceptance. When you've been together for decades, you know exactly who you're dealing with. You know their habits and their quirks and their flaws, and they know yours. At one time, maybe those things drove you crazy, but eventually they just become part of the package. I've started to notice that with me and Steve, and looking through the lens of all those long-term couples that we were surrounded by, I was wondering if maybe this is a sign of a deeper level of connection that we are developing. It's not always easy to see those things when you're in the middle of them, you know. For example, Steve was surprisingly easygoing about my desire to visit a coffeehouse in every city. Especially in Vienna, where coffeehouses are the heart of the culture. Now, you might not think that's such a big deal, but then you don't know how much Steve hates everything about coffee. He hates the smell, the mess, the spoon that I leave on the counter, and even the time it takes to drink a proper cup. But at every stop, we sat down together at a coffeehouse that I chose. We shared a pastry, while I indulged my little addiction. Now you know that I'm precise with words. It's just who I am. So it's worth making a distinction between three ideas: Tolerance, resignation and acceptance. The behaviors kind of look similar, but the motivations behind them are completely different. Tolerance is keeping the peace. It's like, "I'll put up with this for now." Resignation is giving up, "It's never gonna change, so why even bother?" But Acceptance is genuine fondness. "This is who we are and we choose each other." To sum it up, acceptance is about appreciating the authentic person you're connected to, not wanting them to be different. Let's move on to the second key move in the long game, which unsurprisingly, is longevity. We've talked about this in past episodes under the heading of Vitality, which I've talked to you about as being physical, mental, and emotional health. Because if you don't have those things, your foundation could never be solid enough to hold up over time. This trip really drove that point home. Now I'm only really gonna focus on the physical side of this, but the mental and emotional sides, I think you can figure out for yourself. I've been on ocean cruises before and they are a completely different experience. The ships are built for accessibility. They have wide corridors and big elevators and extra generous seating. Viking Longboats are not like that. They're compact, and the ports have steep gangways, and the cobblestones can be brutal. It's not an easy trip for anyone who can't move around comfortably. So it makes sense that most of the people on board were in really good shape. There was a lot of conversation about step counts, 10,000 sometimes 20,000 steps a day. And sure there was some wear and tear here and there, but not enough to hold anyone back, and I certainly noticed. I've lost over 120 pounds now, and I'm working on getting stronger and feeling more confident in my body. So watching people 20 years older than me, walking the same hills, climbing the same stairs, and doing it all with humor and grace reminded me that vitality is about having a body that functions so your mind and spirit can stay engaged with life. And this ties directly into longevity in relationships too. Those couples still had game and that wasn't by accident. Relationships stay strong because both people keep investing in themselves and in each other. And now I'm gonna talk about the third key move in the long game: Defaulting to Yes. When we were planning the trip, I saw a listing for a Hungarian street food cooking class in Budapest, and that sounded amazing to me. I love that kind of thing. And honestly, I'd rather take a learning vacation than any other kind. But I didn't sign up for it because I assumed Steve wouldn't be interested. I mean, he's not a cook. So later he was looking through the listings and he saw that one and said, "why didn't you pick this one?" And I told him, I figured it wasn't his thing. And he said, "Well, hey, it's not like I'm the only one on this trip if this is something that you'd enjoy, when are we ever gonna have another opportunity to do it? So let's do it together." That's when I realized I'd made an assumption instead of asking. So we did that class and it ended up being one of Steve's favorite parts of the trip. Mine too. Defaulting to yes doesn't mean saying yes to everything that your partner wants or pretending you don't have preferences. It's about staying open, especially when your first impulse might be to say no. During COVID, both Steve and I got into the habit of saying, no thanks to a lot of things. No thanks to going out. No thanks to traveling. No thanks to new experiences, because it really didn't feel safe, and that mindset stuck around a lot longer than it needed to. So recently Steve had brought up this idea of defaulting to yes, and how it could create more happiness, More contentment and more shared experiences, and he was right about that. Defaulting to yes is gonna take some guts. You'll have to overcome some resistance. It can be hard to say yes to experiences that don't sound like they're gonna be your thing, but it creates opportunities to keep learning about each other and learning together. You might discover a new interest or you might just enjoy watching your partner light up about something that they love. And if you try something and it really turns out to be a bust, then you get a story to entertain your friends with for years to come. And that's what I saw. The couples who seemed happiest were the ones who still said yes to each other, to new places, to trying things that push them just a little outside their comfort zones. As we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. The first one is that relationships play out over decades, not days. So playing the long game means embracing and accepting your partner's authentic self instead of wishing that they were different. The second one is that staying healthy and active is important, so your relationship has the chance for longevity. And the third one is defaulting to yes, so your life together stays fresh instead of stagnating, and you don't get stuck in a rut. As a closing thought about our trip down the Danube, it could not have been a better celebration of our relationship. If quiet villages and lots of history are your thing, I think you'd love it too. And it revealed some big picture relationship realities as well. While it was absolutely full of perfect postcard imagery, it wasn't what you'd imagine when you hear the name Blue Danube. Every tour guide we met asked if we thought it looked blue. It didn't. Most days it was green, sometimes a little bit brown. Maybe Strauss meant blue as a mood, not a color. That would make a lot more sense, honestly, because there was a certain melancholy quality about it, or maybe he idealized it on purpose. He wanted to see it that way. Relationships are like that too. They start out bright and shiny. They're perfect reflections of perfect people in a perfect world. But just like the Danube, over time the colors change. The currents change. Some days it's calm, and some days it's wild. There are floods and droughts and wars. Even if they start out looking perfect. Relationships don't stay perfect, but if you're lucky enough, they keep moving along for a long, long time. I highly recommend a trip like this for anyone who can make it work, because even though I thought I knew what it was gonna be like based on everything I'd heard, the trip was full of one surprise after another, and lessons that I would never have learned any other way. And by the way, if you wanna see some pictures, then head over to the Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook, and I'll post some of my favorites there. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.