74: When Christmas Time is Hard

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it, so you don't miss anything. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Over the last couple of episodes, I've been talking about the stress and the busyness of the holidays, especially Christmas, but I know not everyone celebrates, whether that's because of tradition, choice, or circumstances beyond your control. The problem is the cultural saturation around the holiday season, which starts earlier and earlier every year. Whether you want it or not, you still end up surrounded by Christmas at work, in the stores, on every screen and in every conversation. And it can bring up all kinds of reactions, frustration, loneliness, weariness, even anger, especially when it feels like the culture around you doesn't seem to respect your traditions or your decision not to celebrate. So this bonus episode is for anyone who feels disconnected. Invisible or out of step with the season. The point I wanna make is that whatever choices you've made around these holidays, for whatever reasons you've made them deserve to be respected. And I acknowledge that they are not always respected in our culture. There are lots of reasons why people don't celebrate Christmas. The most obvious one is that it's simply not their cultural or religious tradition. They celebrate different holidays and those are meaningful to them. But even if they're perfectly comfortable with that as adults, they still have to help their kids make sense of why they're surrounded by something they're not a part of. Some people don't wanna engage with Christmas at all. Others are open to sharing Christmas traditions with friends who do celebrate it. I had that experience as a child. My dad's best friend was Jewish. Uncle Howie and his family came over every year to help us decorate our Christmas tree. This Was back when the tree had those big colored light bulbs that got so hot you could smell the needles toasting, along with that lead tinsel stuff that got into everything. Uncle Howie always brought bagels with lox and cream cheese to the Christmas decorating party. I don't think my dad liked Lox very much, but he ate it every year at that party and he made it seem like he did. Now I have my doubts about whether this would be considered culturally sensitive by today's standards, but my dad and his best friend genuinely enjoyed sharing their traditions with each other and with us kids another reason why Christmas time can be hard is isolation. That's when You do celebrate Christmas, but you don't have anybody to celebrate it with. Maybe the people you used to celebrate with are gone or scattered or wrapped up in other families now. And if you've ever had the thought that everyone else seems to have somewhere to be, you know exactly how isolating this can feel. After my dad passed away, I went through a stretch where the holidays were really hard. One of my brothers got married the year before my dad died. The other one got married the year after, so within a very short time, they had both moved on, building Christmas traditions with their wife's families. That left just me and my mom, who was so deeply buried in her own grief that she didn't have any room for mine, and the traditions I'd grown up with just stopped. We weren't completely abandoned. My sisters-in-law did include us in their family gatherings. But that was its own kind of loneliness. These were other people's families and other people's traditions. I just never felt like I really belonged there, and these were some of the loneliest years in my life. I slowly realized that if I didn't change how I was approaching the season, I was only gonna keep hurting. So I had to change my attitude because we didn't have mindset back then. And if you've ever wondered whether I just come up with these podcast topics on the spot, Nope! Remember the last episode about the three Gs, gratitude, generosity, and grace. This is the time in my life when I first started paying attention to those and using those to help me rebuild my enjoyment of the season. I didn't get there overnight. But I learned to extend myself some grace, letting myself feel sad without trying to cover it up. And then I started channeling generosity outward. Little by little, I worked my way outta that place of abandonment and hurt. I figured out what really mattered to me and how to set myself up to enjoy Christmas again. I started with the one thing I already knew I loved, and that was the music. Not the stuff they pipe in the supermarket, but the traditional carols and the classical pieces that you only get to hear that time of the year. So I joined a Christmas caroling group, then I went to a Messiah Sing Singalong, and then I found this piano bar at the Colonnade Hotel, and it was a fabulous place. That was beautiful. The people were nice and they sat around singing holiday songs. Even though I'd never met these people and I would probably never see them again, I still felt like I was part of a family while I was there. I also picked a few holiday shows I watched every year. The Grinch. Rudolph and It's a Wonderful Life. Those became my go-tos. And I started creating some space for myself. I took the week off before Christmas. I decorated my tree. I made treats to share with my friends and coworkers. I made a gingerbread house. Damn, that was a lot of work. I donated food and supplies to shelters and charity drives in my area, and later I started hosting a holiday, open house inviting anyone I knew to drop by for a snack and a little company. None of this was extraordinary. None of it was over the top. It was just one small step at a time. So what do you do if you are facing big changes or loneliness this season? Start by letting yourself just feel what you feel. You don't owe it to anyone to put on some kind of jolly act or fake any other emotion, for that matter. But when you're ready, you can start building something new for yourself by instituting maybe just one new holiday tradition. One of mine was an annual trip to the bar at the Ritz. It was a very posh place next to the Boston Public Garden. It was always beautifully decorated, and I was comfortable sitting there by myself and having a drink. Another tradition was I would buy a Poinsetta every year, and I would keep track of how many days it could survive before I killed it. It was basically a battle between me and the plant. That probably sounds awful, but at the time it gave me a grinchy kind of satisfaction. It's a good idea to start saying yes to any invitations that you get from friends or from coworkers or at least just go out in public, like the piano bar kind of thing. Even if you don't feel like going, sometimes being around other people helps more than you'd expect. or reach out and do something for someone else who might be feeling left out, you know, a call, a card, a meal, or even a, just a quick text message can matter more than you realize. And this one's a little bit more radical, but you could go on a trip, a cruise, a resort somewhere beautiful, something outside your usual routine. That could make you really feel good. Don't try to do everything at once. Just try one thing this year and then if you enjoy it, do it again next year. If not, drop it and try something else. And if you find something that really helps you, I'd love to hear about it. Send me an email or message me on social and tell me what worked. It might be exactly what someone else needs to hear right now, so I could really use your help. There's a third situation around Christmas that can be really problematic, and that is when you have people around but you still feel empty. This one is really common for business owners. you've got a partner, a family, people around you, and yet you still feel alone. Sometimes that's because the marriage isn't working. The day-to-day stuff might be getting handled, but the intimate connection isn't there. You're in the same house, but not on the same page. And during the holidays, the gap between how things look and how they feel gets a lot wider. But even when the relationship isn't in crisis, this can still happen. Business owners carry a lot in their heads. There's always a decision waiting to be made, a problem running through your mind, a worry pressing down on you. And when that's the case, the traditions stop registering. They don't feel grounding or familiar. They don't really feel like they belong to you, they belong to someone else. You are just going through the motions. And that brings me to A Christmas Carol. I've really come to hate that story. Except the Muppets one.I'm fine with that one. A Christmas Carol isn't really a story about Christmas spirit or joy. It's a story about disconnection. Scrooge isn't poor. He's successful. And he's completely cut off from all the people around him. Work has filled his head, and resentment has filled his heart, and there's just no room left for relationship or enjoyment or meaning. When the ghosts come along, they don't show him all the fun he's missing. They show him the consequences of cutting yourself off from your people. But one part of that story that we tend to gloss over is how the people around Scrooge continue to extend him grace that he clearly hasn't earned. And honestly, nobody earns that kind of grace. In Dickens's telling, Scrooge needs threats and punishment and repentance before he's willing to change. But I have more faith in you than that. So if you recognize a little Scrooge in yourself, let's start there. It's fair to say that a lot of business owners grow up before their time, and that has a cost. But one of the privileges of adulthood is that we gain more control over what happens to us and we can do something about it. So here's a small project that you might wanna try. What's something you always wanted for Christmas but you never got? Can you remember? It might take a bit of thinking 'cause we tend to bury these things, but I think everyone has at least one of those. Now, if it's at all possible, go out and get that thing for yourself, even if it's outrageous or even if it seems dumb now, just go get it. The purpose of getting yourself this gift isn't actually the gift. It's it healing a disappointment. Because you see, if you can remember what that thing was, then that disappointment still lives inside you, even now. So think of it as righting a wrong and making more love in your life. So go on out and get that stupid gift. And it might not be stupid. You might just love it. Now there is one exception. No, actually there are two exceptions. One is if it's a puppy, don't go get a puppy for Christmas. That's a bad idea. It's a bad time of the year, and that requires a lot more planning than what you have right now. Actually, you know, that probably goes for most pets. Let's take pets off the table. And the other one is a motorcycle. I'm not gonna say don't get one, but people often have very strong feelings about motorcycles, especially partners and parents. And honestly, you've probably already gone a few rounds with them about this. So you'll have to balance the satisfaction of getting a motorcycle against the friction it might cause. So those are the two exceptions. Now, if you wanna take this to the next level, then let's do this. What is something your partner always wanted for Christmas but they never got? Hopefully your partner has told you about this in the past, and you remember. If not, I suppose you can ask them. But if you want this to be a surprise, you'll need to be clever about how you do that. If you're stuck, think about something that you know that they loved as a kid and would be charmed to have again. Whatever that is, can you get it for them? If you can, go do that. The next step is if the gifts are wrappable, then wrap them both up yours and theirs. If you have a tree, put them under it and put your real names on the tags, not to mom or to dad or whatever you call each other day to day. This one small detail helps reconnect you with who you were before those roles took over. And now here's how I would do it. After the kids and the rest of the family have opened all their presents, bring out these two gifts. Sit on the floor with your partner and open them together. Maybe you'll laugh maybe you'll cry. Maybe it brings back a feeling that this season is supposed to be about. I don't know. But here's one thing I do know. This project helps you reconnect with your partner, with yourself, with the season, with some of what you may be missing right now. You've still got a week. You can probably make this happen. It might take a minute, and I know you're busy and I get that. But think about everything else on your plate right now. How many of those things truly can't wait a day while you get this done? Like I said, I have faith in you. Now let's talk about making room. If you do celebrate Christmas, and if you do believe in what this holiday is supposed to stand for, then please make room at your table. You probably have someone in your orbit right now who's alone and struggling and invisible, a simple, "please come be with us" might be all you need to say. I hope the ideas, suggestions, and experiences I've shared with you help you find some comfort, some holiday spirit, or at least to feel a small part of the holiday season. But I also know these might not be enough, so here are some resources that can help. One of them is my colleague, Andy Grant. He hosts the podcast Real Men Feel, and he's hosting a virtual hangout on Christmas Day. He did one on Thanksgiving too. It's for anyone who's alone or struggling or just doesn't wanna spend the day by themselves. I will post the link to that in the show notes in case you'd like to join in and everyone is welcome. But sometimes the feelings people have around the holidays go way beyond being a little sad or a little lonely. And if what you're feeling has crossed into that place that feels overwhelming or scary and you don't know where to turn, I want you to know there are people whose only job it is to listen and care without judgment. In the US, you can call or text 988. Or go to chat.988lifeline.org. It's available 24/7/365 and there will always be someone there who takes your call and who listens. I'll put all that information in the show notes as well. As we wrap up, I wanna share with you one of the strongest, deepest beliefs that I hold. Your presence is your gift. I just teared up when I said that. Let me try it again. Your presence is your gift. It matters that you are here, that you are still on this side of the grass, that you're listening, that you're doing the best you can for yourself, for your partner, and for the life you wanna be living. That's no small thing. That's everything. We will be posting a Christmas special next week, and I'll be back with new episodes in January. Until then, keep taking care of each other because we all really need it. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in a free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe Love is not something you find. You have to make it. And that's my mission. To help you Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.