78: Blame, Judgment, and Avoidance — The Hidden Cost of Staying Stuck

Welcome back to Make More Love. i'm your host, Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach. I've spent my career sitting across from business owners at the highest stakes moments of their lives, the big decisions in the business and the personal turning points that everyone has to face from time to time. This show is created with men in mind because a lot of the relationship advice that's out there simply misses the mark for them. In every episode, I share strategies, frameworks, and analytical approaches to relationship problems. I use the kind of tools that you already use in your business applied to the rest of your life. So if this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe or whatever your platform asks for so you don't miss anything. So, let's get into it In the last episode, I replayed this interview that I had with Bill Storm, the peak performance Coach. And today we're gonna continue that interview. One of the things that we discussed is the fear of blame and judgment and how it leads to avoidance. All of this connects back to self-knowledge, and we're covering three aspects of that today. The first aspect is what you know about yourself, but you don't admit out loud. The second is the real you that you want other people to see. It's your identity. And the third is the vast amount of stuff that you know, but you aren't aware that you know, and therefore can't access it. Understanding these three aspects fundamentally changes how you approach what you've been avoiding. Now, let's start with what Bill and I talked about with respect to blame. I gotta say, I'm not a big fan of blame. I don't see the point, but it is human behavior. So let's see what we see.

So I would think that a lot of people would approach this Just dreading the conversation. 'Cause they feel like they're just gonna get battered with more things that they're doing wrong. For men.

Yeah, I get that you might be a little nervous about sitting down and then getting blamed for stuff. But let me ask you something. When you think about that conversation, the one that you've been avoiding, what exactly are you afraid is going to happen? The fear of blame comes from stuff you know about yourself, but you don't admit. And in truth, when someone blames you, a lot of times you already know what it's about and you've already beaten yourself up about it a thousand times. You know you're gonna walk out of that conversation feeling like shit, and who wants that? But let's break down What blame really is. Once we get a better understanding of what we're facing, we can come up with ways to handle it. And I'll give you some ideas as we go. Blame has a lot of different forms, but let's just explore three of them. The first one is fair blame. Fair blame is when you actually did do something wrong and the criticism is justified. Here's what you do. Don't get twisted up about it. Just own it. Apologize sincerely, and let the other person know what steps you're going to take to avoid it happening again. Ideally, get them to work with you on ways to prevent the problem in the future. That's a solid move and it's really the best defense against getting battered by heaps of things that you've done wrong. The second form is unfair Blame. Unfair blame is when you're being blamed for something you didn't do, or there was a misunderstanding, or you did something that wasn't actually wrong, but the other person didn't like it. Their blame here is more about their preference than it is about your wrongdoing. But the key here is to address the underlying concern, not the blame itself. The best move is to try to focus on what the other person is actually upset about. Enlist them and helping you understand by asking them things like, "Can you walk me through this concern a little bit more?" I wanna make sure I understand what's at the root of it." And maybe while they're trying to explain it to you, they'll get some additional perspective of their own. We do this in business settings all the time. We seek clarity on the impact of the concern, and then we find ways to move forward together. You really can't run a business with customers if you don't have this skill, so you 100% know how to do it. You can do the same thing in your relationship by respecting your partner's perspective and then finding common ground. So why not give that a try? You can shoot me a message about how it went. I always love hearing from you. The third form of blame is self blame. This is the kind we talked about at the top of the segment You already knew. You didn't act. Now you're caught and you're beating yourself up again. So let's not do that. Self-blame needs a dual approach. One is to engage with the other person following the fair blame rules. That is own it. Apologize and explain what you'll do differently. But the other person isn't really the top priority here. You are. So two is the real work of forgiving yourself and moving on in your own head. Human Beings are weird. We seem to need to be our own bully. Even when a situation is resolved, we can keep beating ourselves up about it for years. So learning to let go, that's the real work. And you cannot do that in isolation. Here's how Bill put it:

So this is where I would say to them, Hey, you know what? Just like anything else, with your business, you try something and then you inspect what you expected, and then if it doesn't work, you have a conversation with a disinterested third party like you. They could listen to it and go I know you thought that you were doing this way, but try this instead because that way was a little rough."

Yeah. If you all take my advice and you do this and it goes sideways. Yeah. Just set up a call. There'll be a link to set up a call with me in the show notes. We'll have a friendly chat 15 or 20 minutes. I'll see if I can find a strategy for you that's going to get you unstuck there. And then, get you back on track. You can check in anytime. Just go to relationshipresetcall.com and find a time that works for you. The link is in the show notes. Summing this up. I believe that blame makes you feel out of control. Fair blame, unfair blame, self blame. It doesn't matter. Something is happening to you instead of presenting an opportunity that you can respond to. But now with these strategies, you know what you can do about it. That gives you control back. You're prepared and you can resolve the issue while preserving both the relationship and your self-esteem. Here's something for you to try. Think back to the last time you were blamed for anything. What form of blame was it? Was it fair, unfair, or self-blame? Now that you know about the forms and the strategies that go with them, what would you do differently? Feel free to let me know. Now, let's move on and talk about judgment, because judgment is different from blame. Blame is about the hidden aspect of self knowledge. That stuff you already know, but don't admit. Judgment is about the identity aspect of self-knowledge, the stuff you know about yourself that you sincerely believe is true, like you are the capable one, the one who handles things, the provider, the leader. You've built your life on these roles. You want others to see you this way because it's how you actually see yourself. So then when someone suggests you're failing at something that matters, it's a challenge to what you know to be true about yourself. Bill raised that point:

Yeah. 'cause I think, a lot of the men that I talk to go, I don't understand. I don't get what the problem is. Everything's fine with me. I'm just going to work and doing what I'm supposed to do.

He's talking about defending your identity You know who you are. You've built something really important, you've accomplished a lot, you've handled uncountable problems. Those are the expectations of you, and you're on top of them. So judgment feels like an attack. Here's how I suggest you deal with that. Simply don't buy into it. I know that sounds oversimplified, but. The truth is you can't control whether people judge you or what they judge you on. No matter what you do, there will always be someone passing judgment on you. What you can control is whether you let that judgment drive your behavior. Imagine going through life, trying to avoid anything that could get you blamed or judged. You'd block yourself from taking almost any action at all, and you'd lose out on a lot of important stuff. Almost every time we give into someone else's judgment, there's an opportunity that we pass up. A conversation we don't have. A decision we don't make. A move we don't take. Giving into the fear of judgment guarantees that we will lose out. But let's move on because we have one more topic to cover. Today. I'm talking about avoidance. If blame and judgment are the stimulus for self-criticism, avoidance is the response. The thing about being a business owner is there is always a shit ton of stuff to do. We literally never get caught up. It's just part of the deal. But here's something we don't say out loud every day. Sometimes the amount of stuff that we have to do gives us cover to avoid the stuff we don't want to do. Avoidance is a very logical thing to do. Bill shared this:

Okay. So that attempt is made, and I can hear it already if I was talking to buddies of mine that are in those kind of situations, they're gonna say what if it doesn't go the way I want it to go?

That's a fair question. You know, we avoid things because we think we don't know what to do. But most of the time we undersell ourselves. It's rare actually, to come across a situation you haven't dealt with in some way, in some aspect of your life. It is just a matter of applying that to something new. As an example, Bill and I talked about a common problem in relationships that we handle completely differently and more cleanly in business: You know that whole story about how when women come to you with their problems. Men immediately try to start to solve the problem,

right? Yes.

All they really want is to be heard. So frustrating. When you hear that, it's so frustrating.

Yeah.

I have to share, I'm the one in my relationship who's that way. He'll Come to me with a problem and all he wants is to be heard, and I'll immediately start to solve that problem

Yeah.

And so I get it but if one of my colleagues says to me, I have this idea, I have this situation, and I need a sounding board. Can you be my sounding board?

Yeah. It sounds completely normal.

Completely normal. And you wouldn't start trying to solve the problem. you Would Be working to understand the problem.

Yeah.

That's what the sounding board does. And sometimes just the saying out loud. Is what helps the other person solve it, right? Yep. And then if they feel you've really heard them, then they'll ask you your opinion and then you can start working on the solution together, so many times I think our spouses feel like, before we even have heard the whole thing we're busy trying to solve the problem

Okay.

So yeah, you're gonna have to actually find out what the problems are. But This first part isn't even about solving them.

So the idea is you don't have to solve the problem, you just have to show that you're interested,

You don't have to solve the problem. You have to identify the problem.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know how to act as a sounding board. You do it all the time at work. It's a skill you already have that you haven't applied to non-work situations. And Bill is the first one to admit. It doesn't come naturally.

No, if I can do this, if I could actually follow through and do this, anybody else can do it. I'm a super high d. On, personality profile. I'm a problem solver, I'm a decision maker. I'm not that person that is normally gonna sit there and listen to all the emotion about the whole thing. And I think there's probably, a lot of other people in my circle that are much like that. But this all makes sense, right? And if I get the response, if I start to, see, success at the end of the tunnel. I'm all in. I'll keep doing it.

Yeah. Absolutely. And I think what you're gonna find is, little steps can make a big difference. Like Bill said, if he can do it, you can do it too. And he's right. You just have to tap into the part of self knowledge that are things you don't know you know. That's it. That's the whole reframe of that problem. Tony Robbins, put it really simply, "the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships." That's not exactly a judgment, it's just a fact, and it's the reason why this work matters. Now, before we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode: Number one is the nature of blame and fear of blame. We broke that down into three types, fair, unfair, and self-blame. And I gave you a strategy for each one. Number two is about judgment and how it feels like an attack on your identity. And we talked about how to separate your feelings from the external forces of judgment, and that will serve you better than giving into it. And number three is about avoidance. How we undersell our own knowledge and experience about how to deal with new problems that come up in our world. In the next episode, we'll get deeper into the idea of leveraging skills you already have and applying them to new areas of your life. I will be sharing the five step relationship operating system. These are the same key strategies that I use with my clients to help them succeed in growing their companies, and I'm gonna show you how to use them to grow your relationship and make it more successful too. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love... With Your Wife and In Your Life. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today. relationshipresetcall.com