80: Is Your Body Trying to Tell You Something? What to Watch Out For with Shaun Zetlin-Pt 1

Welcome back to Make More Love. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. This show looks at the connection between relationships and business ownership, especially for men who want straight talk, useful frameworks, and practical ways to solve relationship problems. If this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss anything. And now let's get into it. Today is part one of my conversation with Shaun Zetlin, founder of Zetlin Fitness and the author of "Emotional Fitness" and "Push-Up Progression." Shaun has been a personal trainer for over 20 years, and he's been named Best of Brooklyn's Best Personal Trainer multiple times. But what I really appreciate about Shaun is that he doesn't talk about strength as just a workout. He connects physical strength with confidence, resilience, and the ability to center yourself when life goes sideways. In this first part of our conversation, we'll talk about Shaun's story, the book, "Emotional Fitness," and how old pains can shape the way people lead, love, and connect. Shaun Zetlin, I am so happy to have you here. I have been looking forward to this conversation so much. We've talked a couple of times getting ready for the show, and I already feel like the audience has been missing out on some really good stuff.

I completely agree.

So let's just get right into it. Can you start by telling us a little bit about you and your background and how you came to do what you're doing?

Yes, I'd be honored to. So, uh, my journey goes back to as a child I was born with club feet. I had, gross motor skill issues. I was the guy who was picked last in gym class. And I had, some traumatic experiences at camp. But instead of shying away from fitness and the world of exercise, I really wanted to become good at it. I really wanted to be somebody that could be very proud of physical capability. So that led me to asking my father when I was 13 years old, he was a professional bodybuilder, and I asked him to show me the ropes. And then from there, I remember having this instant emotion of happiness. Just this monumental moment of me pressing this 45-pound bar, and it was the first time, Ellen, that I ever experienced joy when it came to fitness. And so that led me to, really become one with my personal workouts at home, which led me to New York and I found myself in New York City, I went there with big dreams to either be a writer or an actor. I Didn't think I was gonna fall in love with personal training per se, but there was a, a friend of ours who happened to be at the gym, and I was showing him some things that I learned from my father. And he said, "Wow, you're really good at this." And what happened was the fitness manager had seen me with this friend and said, "Hey, can I pull you aside?" He said, "Are you certified? Do you need a job? I, I think you could be really good at this." And it changed my life. I have the opportunity now to heal and help others feel good about themselves and feel good about their bodies when I certainly didn't.

Mm-hmm. Well, I can say, from experience that the world needs personal trainers who understand what it's like to not be the budding athlete.

Yes

um, yeah. But even if we didn't struggle in one area, we've all struggled in some area.

100%. Right? And that struggle, as I came to learn, can be your superpower.

Yes, i'd like to talk a little bit more about how you came to understand these things that you had to work extra hard on and how what you went through became a superpower for you.

I was training a client at the gym who happened to be a therapist, and I I just felt like, at the time, it wasn't who I truly was. I knew I was suffering somehow, but I, I couldn't really pinpoint why and, the client referred me to, a therapist, and my journey really began there, really understanding that I had to go back To undo some of the childhood trauma that I had experienced. I had to go back to sort of clean up some of the internal messages that little Shaun was trying to send me presently, which I didn't know what they were at the time. And it made me realize I really wasn't experiencing, actually anxiety. It was a residue of residual anger, so that was very helpful. But also, I got into a deeper understanding of how the body and emotions do work together, but a lot of us don't realize that, whether we're feeling stress or anxiety or depression or any emotion, whether it serves us or not, it resides in the body. My philosophy on Fitness is not how you look. It's how Fitness can help you feel. The goal is to help people move throughout their life and to move throughout their life in a healthy manner, not just through the physical but also through the mental, emotional, and spiritual. There are many books out there to educate yourself about how the body and emotions and how your brain and nervous system all work together. Because if the nervous system is really the brain telling the spinal cord how to create movement, that's awesome, and we know that's true. But also in the nervous system is anxiety. The nervous system is depression. The nervous system is, trauma. The nervous system is stress. Not everybody has a good day. So If you're a personal trainer, you wanna make sure that you connect with that person on what are they doing on those tough days, and how you can help them through. You wanna make sure that you're giving them what they need, and helping them keep it going through inspiration. We all have emotions and, obviously we all have a childhood that I can go back and heal myself, but at the same time, I now understand more about how the body truly does hold emotions. And if somebody is at a sticking point where they can't lose weight or gain muscle, this is a deeper dive in why they can't. And so that has become this amazing superpower where now I'm so body aware, and if I have any emotions that serve me or not even presently, I know where that's coming from.

We're gonna continue this conversation with Shaun in just a minute, but first I wanna share something with you. Maybe you're starting to realize that you need to look at your own vitality and your own relationship. That's what I'm here for. Sometimes the problem isn't that you just need to try harder. You may need a better read on what's truly draining you, where you're disconnected, and what kind of support would actually help you. I offer a range of choices from a quick situational review to a more comprehensive assessment to help you identify the biggest obstacles, clarify your priorities, and get yourself set up to enjoy the life you're working so hard to build. Your next step is to set up a relationship reset call with me. It's a working call, not a sales call. It's efficient, private, and free. Let's get you moving in the right direction. You can book that at relationshipresetcall.com. And now let's get back to our conversation with Shaun. There's two things I wanna talk about briefly. One of them is childhood trauma. People think that it's gotta be something horrific, But there's a difference between trauma and tragedy, right? Correct it doesn't have to be that your parents were killed in a plane crash, or that you lost a leg, right? Right. because children are so emotionally driven and- Yes don't have other ways of processing the world. Something that you think of as small as an adult is a big deal for a kid. 100%. Not being understood or being yelled at by your teacher or being left out of the game. These Things that all kids experience live in our psyche and in our body. It doesn't have to be traumatic. It just has to be something that stays with you,

I think that's a fair thing to say.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the concept of the inner child

Yes.

Because I know everyone's heard that, but Even if you're familiar, you might not be comfortable with it. So let's talk about what the inner child really is, and how it affects everybody in the body.

Yeah, it's a great question. So when I talk about the inner child, it's two things. One, it's the emotional regulation or dysregulation you didn't get as a child. And then it's the validation from your parents, a teacher, a caregiver, anybody who's an adult when you're very young because, you can tell anything to a child, and they're going to believe it. They don't have the logic that we do as adults. And so if they are not getting those needs met, that will create this wound that we have as children. And so as we grow up, those wounds look like maybe being a perfectionist or a people pleaser, somebody who can't say no, somebody who can't take a compliment, somebody who doesn't want any help, right? They all sort of play out like that in our adult bodies. But what I mentioned earlier in our conversation about the emotions that I carry from little Shawn with all the work I've done journaling and working out So many people didn't realize everything that little Shaun was battling then. I realized this kid is not an embarrassment, this kid is powerful. This kid is strong. I mean, he's a superstar. And I think you'd agree with me when I say this, Ellen, with not hurting somebody else. Because how it plays out in adulthood is if you've been hurt and shamed and you've, experienced all this trauma, usually, you go one of two ways. You're either the villain or you're the hero. I'll use, somebody like Batman or Superman. I mean, Superman lost his parents, Batman lost his parents. If you lose your parents, you can go one of two ways. You can wanna destroy the world like Lex Luthor or like the Joker, or you could wanna help others. And I'm really proud that, little Shaun never intentionally tried to hurt anybody else when he was suffering. I think it's important for the listeners to hear, especially if you're a male business owner and, you're making choices about how you wanna see the world and how you wanna run a business. If you've been hurt, it's a beautiful opportunity to do the opposite of that. Remember that you are not defined by the trauma, but you're also not defined by how you survived.

Yes. And people handle trauma different ways. you might have handled it by learning to fight, right? And in fact, a lot of men were trained by their fathers, who were trained by their fathers, that the thing to do was to come out hitting first so that people are scared of you, right?

Yes.

And they wouldn't mess with you after that. And when you're an adult male

Yes

um, that can create its own set of problems. If your mode of protecting yourself was to be aggressive- Mm-hmm then in the business world, you might come off as intimidating or unapproachable, Right or unlikable Right? 100%. Exactly. You get into a whole cycle of it's better to be, feared and respected, right? And then people don't follow you out of loyalty, they follow you out of fear. Right. And as a business leader, that makes your life harder. What you really want Is to have people who are with you and follow you and believe in you, not people who are scared to displease you or feel intimidated by you.

I mean, I used to see other business owners, and I would choose how I didn't wanna be and how I wanted to be. Mm-hmm. And I just thought, "You know what? I wanna be respected by the people around me." And I have empathy for men in that regard because we all have some sort of pain. And so- Instead of inflicting that pain on people let's take a different route to say, "You know what? I'm gonna lead with kindness. With sincerity. With integrity." These are not words that make you weak. They will make you respected.

I wanna ask you about another thing. You and I talked about how you treat your wife as a model for your daughters so that they know how that they should expect to be treated, right? Exactly. Can we talk about that? 100%.

Oh, we can certainly talk about it. The bottom line is, the best thing you could do for your kids, besides doing the inner work and breaking generational trauma is treating your spouse the way you would want to be treated. If I want my girls to marry a man like me, it's really important that they see me as a role model constantly. they're noticing and watching, whether we realize it or not, how I'm treating my wife, Adrienne. it's really important that they see me treat Adrienne with the respect and the dignity that she deserves constantly I mean, kids are like sponges. I want to set the bar early on So when they start to date in their teenage years, they're gonna have high expectations. At the same time, how you manage stress with your partner also really matters. When you have kids or you're a business owner, or you're both working it's interesting all the stresses and all the juggling that comes into play that people don't realize. So yes, you're picking a partner because you love them but the other thing is you really are a partnership.

Absolutely. What Happens to people who never learn to experience their emotions. What's their personal cost of that?

So I think like what Socrates says, if a man doesn't actually meet his standards of physical prowess, what a loss. it's the same thing in emotions. What a loss to not go back into your authentic self. Then you're coping. You are compensating with something whether it's anger, jealousy, rage, substance abuse, Any addiction You're not yourself. And I also would add especially if you're a business owner, if you're a man, and you feel that vulnerability is weakness, you are mistaken. Vulnerability absolutely equals invincibility. I would say to somebody who's listening, allow yourself to be vulnerable. You do not have to broadcast it on social media, but what you could do is write to yourself. And that's a really safe way to talk about what you're feeling. The other thing I say in my book, share it with one person you really trust. You would be surprised because they probably feel the same way somewhat about themselves, too. And then you have a more authentic relationship because you've admitted something about yourself that you're struggling with.

Yes, absolutely. And I will say this Yes is that if you can be your authentic self, it opens up a whole new universe in terms of experiencing passion and intimacy-

Yes

that you will not get if you cannot access your authentic self.

Yes.

You know, a lot of men only experience love through physical connection, whether- Correct it's sex or physical touch. It's the only way that men have been given permission to experience- Mm-hmm love. Yes. And you will not get the physical affection that you need if you are not authentic. People won't trust you-

Uh-huh

to give you that level of passion that you're seeking. If physical affection and sex are important to you, you owe it to yourself to- Uh-huh find the core that someone else can love, can connect with.

That's Where we got today with Sean, and we'll be continuing this in the next episode Before we wrap up, I'm gonna share three things that I personally took away from today's episode. The first one is that fitness is about feeling good in your own skin. It's not just about how you look. I'm coming to understand this better for myself as my attitude about working out and exercise continues to evolve. Number two is your body may be carrying more than you realize. Shaun really got me thinking about how stress, anger, anxiety, and old emotional patterns can show up in my body and my health. My next step is learning how to get unstuck in those areas so I can feel more free and centered. And the third one is it's so important to get yourself in front of the right experts. Whether it's physical fitness, emotional fitness, leadership, business strategy, relationships, financials, anything that's outside of your zone of genius, getting support from the right people can help you see things you might not be able to see on your own. I highly recommend Shaun's book, "Emotional Fitness." I'm gonna put a link to it in the show notes, and I'll also include his contact information if you'd like to work with him directly. Here are my closing thoughts for today. One of the pillars of my model is vitality, and this conversation with Shaun touches every part of that, physical, mental, and emotional health. Vitality is the foundation for a passionate relationship with real intimate intensity because keeping up that kind of connection requires substantial personal energy. If you are physically depleted, mentally overloaded, and emotionally shut down, that's gonna show up in your sex life. Today is only part one of my conversation with Shaun. In part two, Shaun is gonna share his five mantras for emotional fitness, and we'll also talk about how to choose a personal trainer who can truly add value to your life, not just hang out while you lift weights. So make sure you're subscribed so you can jump right into that next episode when it drops later this month Alright... I hope today's episode got you thinking, but there's really only so much we can do in an open forum like this. If you wanna look at your specific situation, go to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time to talk with me. It's free, it's quick and it's private. We'll figure out the next best move for you and get you on track. And if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please pass this episode along. I've also included links to additional resources in the show notes so you can keep building on your relationship skills. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.