81: Emotional Fitness in Practice: How to Find Yourself Again with Shaun Zetlin

Welcome back to Make More Love. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. This show looks at the connection between relationships and business ownership, especially for men who want straight talk, useful frameworks, and practical ways to solve relationship problems. If this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss anything. Now let's get into it. Last time, in part one of my conversation with Sean Zetlin, we focused on the philosophy and psychology of emotional fitness. Today, in part two, we're getting into what it looks like in practice, how to choose the right support, and how Sean's five mantras can help you and how those ideas show up in your relationship. So let's pick up where we left off. I wanna make sure we talk about your book, and also I really wanna talk about choosing the right personal trainer. I have experiences of my own to share, and I know you have a lot to say on this topic. So let's start with that, choosing a personal trainer, and then we'll get into the book, and after that, we'll talk about how this all shows up in relationships. I've been working out with a personal trainer with my husband for 13 or 14 years now.

Love it so much.

Um, when we started looking, we quickly found out that a lot of personal trainers are batshit crazy.

Mm-hmm.

And I will not diss our first trainer because he's the one who got me on the path. Great. He's the one that got my husband on the path.

No, we

love him for that. Yeah. But that guy... And we had to eventually love him from a distance.

Exactly...

But he knew his stuff, right? Yes. And we went through a few trainers before we got to one who was about the right mix of insane and empathetic. Mm-hmm. Yeah. When I started working out, I couldn't do one sit-up. I couldn't do- Oh, I remember one walkout. I couldn't do anything. Yeah, it's hard. And I used to say, "I work harder than 80% of the people 80% of the time, so how come I'm 80% less healthy than the rest?" Right. And I remember this trainer stopping everything and saying, "You know, Ellen, you are right. It's not fair." Yeah. It's a real bummer that it's like this."

Yes.

Unfortunately, it is what it is.

Yes.

Yes. And so we can't change that. All we can do is go from this point forward.

Correct.

And it was the first time anybody said, "It's not your fault."

Right.

It's not your fault that things are like this, but it is your responsibility if you wanna change it." 100%. Right. We have been working with the personal trainer we have for, this is probably eight or nine, maybe even 10 years. And she's great at pushing us just enough so that it's challenging without pushing us so far that we either hurt ourselves or get discouraged.

That's awesome.

That said, you Are the example of the personal trainer I would choose for any of my clients. look for someone who talks about more than just lifting weights and protein shakes. The more important part is making sure that you can start to live fully, and step into your body, which is a powerful vehicle and in some cases even a weapon.

Correct.

So you So you need someone who understands how that all works and makes sure that you stay in control of it. So that's a tip.

Ellen, that's so beautiful. And I think it's so important because you're saying what you don't want in a personal trainer, what you do want in a personal trainer, and you live both sides of that. We had a very similar life in the sense that we weren't born world-class athletes. I like what you're saying and I completely agree. I've been doing this for almost 23 years now, and I've seen all kinds of different trainers, to your point. There are those personal trainers that are very educated when it comes to anatomy and physiology, but they're not great motivators, and there are personal trainers that are good motivators but don't have the knowledge. And then there are personal trainers that just focus on the aesthetics. You need to connect with your client. And I will be very blunt when I say this. It used to drive me nuts because when I first started out, I'm at the sports club, I'm with my client, but I would see personal trainers training their clients the way they train, or I would see personal trainers incredibly disinterested on their phone. This is not your time this is about you connecting with that individual, really paying attention to what this person needs to keep them going in the long run. You don't want this person just buying 10 sessions with you or just with you for a month or just for a wedding coming up. The goal is to help people move throughout their life and in a healthy manner, not just through the physical, but also through the mental, emotional, and spiritual. With all my clients that I have right now, I had three clients before our session today. They're all different ages. My 8:00 AM client was in her 80s. My 7:00 AM client is a dad in his 40s. My 9:00 AM client is in her 60s. They all live in different parts of the United States. They're all remote. They all are motivated and inspired in different ways. I cannot train them the same way. So when it comes to choosing the right personal trainer, you wanna find somebody that is going to give you what you need, that's the number one thing, but also is going to listen to you and guide you Is really going to be able to design a routine who can check all those boxes, mm-hmm. Yeah.

Absolutely. I, I totally agree. Now, I wanna talk specifically about your book- Oh, so sweet um, and I wanna put this in the context of my work too, because people who've been listening to me will start to understand When we were prepping, I shared with you that what I work on with my clients is an understanding that a world-class passionate partnership requires purpose- presence, and passion.

Yeah.

And one of the aspects of passion is vitality, which I define as physical, mental, and emotional health.

Yes.

One of the things that I love most about you is you present all of those things in an integrated, cohesive human system.

Thank you so much.

That's what your book is about, and I will have a link in the show notes. I'm reading it myself, and it's very helpful. It's called Emotional Fitness.

Yes.

Right? And it's published just this year, last year?

Uh, it was actually published right before COVID in 2020, and then the world had shut down, and I just couldn't go on tour for the obvious reasons, of course. But then what happened was, uh, I realized I missed that opportunity to go on tour, and I, I love it. I mean, I'm so thankful, and I have beautiful, lovely connections with the people I see on a daily basis, but I was excited to also reach some larger audiences and so I started going on tour in 2024. Uh, prior to that in 2023, I was the closing speaker at Ernst Young's Wellness Summit, which was really great, but that was remote, too, just given the time. And it's been really thrilling to go back and not only present in front of people, but also the connections that I had with everybody at the New England Podcasters group or wherever I'm currently at. Those are just so incredibly invaluable.

Yes. That's where you and I met. It's a group of wonderful people- producing content that is helpful for everyone. And, uh- Incredible

content, yes.

So let's talk about the five principles in your book.

Yes. So it all starts with the five master mantras, and so those are really the stages of the book, and the first one is really accepting your path. The one thing we can all agree on is we all know what it's like to suffer. We all know what it's like to have some sort of pain. And so I, I'm trying to encourage audiences to think about as, instead of saying like, "Oh, why me?" Or you know, "Why did I get bullied?" The first stage, it's really acceptance. That's very hard, and I, I have lots of empathy when I say this 'cause I know how difficult acceptance can be, but that is the backbone of my book, really accepting your path. You have to accept that negative things happen to you, but how can you heal And also, how can you help heal others as well? What is your purpose? Mm-hmm. You know? So that's number one.

Let's move on to mantra number two.

Okay. Master mantra number two is knowing you are worthy. Now, this one I think is very vital because I, I train a lot of people- Yes and I have met people throughout my life, and their jobs are very impressive on the surface, but they don't always believe they're worthy. It's one of those things where you would never talk to yourself the way you would talk to somebody you loved. All roads go back to unconditional love for yourself. Mm-hmm. And so if you don't believe you are worthy, are you sabotaging yourself? Are you hurting yourself to some way? Are you holding yourself back? All that has to do with worthiness, whether we realize it or not. Mm-hmm. So I think it's really important. I mean, it is absolutely taught, worthiness.

Yes. So let's move on to, the third mantra.

Okay, so that is knowing you're empowered. I mentioned on my tour about this camp counselor, and he threw the ball to me and I missed the ball, and it was a complete Charlie Brown moment, and I'm on my back and all the kids are laughing, and then the counselor calls me a loser, and then all the other counselors start laughing even harder. So for years, I used to dream about running into this camp counselor and wanting him to say he's sorry, make everything better, and just fix it all. And that's not how it works. Even if they did, in an ideal world, say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Shouldn't have done that," at the end of the day, it won't heal me because I have to heal me. I have to do the work. It's really important not to just give away your power to somebody, to remind yourself that you can do hard things. And he did. Little Shaun brought me here, so he totally did. And I think the other thing is, even if you have 1% belief in yourself, that's all it takes to make a change. I mean, I did go to camp the next day. It wasn't like I didn't show up. I did

Wow

Because I think even in my worst moments, you know, I still always believed in myself. This kid survived and look at all the things that he accomplished in life. Man, he is a badass. So anyway, the point is, it's really important to not give your power away. Remember that you can do hard things and that it's nobody's job, unfortunately, to heal you- your job even the person that caused you pain. It's not their job, it's your job.

Something occurred to me while you were talking about this. Mm-hmm. When we're adults and we have faith in ourselves that we can accomplish something-

Mm-hmm

we have years of experience-

Yes

to tell us that that's possible.

Yes.

When you're a kid, you have to have blind faith. Kids don't have those years- Correct of experience to know that it will work out. So every time they take a risk, a chance, or a step forward, they're doing so with no context.

Yes.

Creating the context of their life as they go. But let's move on to number four and number five, because they're also really good and really important.

Oh, thank you. So number four is lowering the volume My aunt, who I love dearly, gave me this boom box when I was 11 years old, and I remember the volume was really loud in my ear, 'cause whoever had set it in the factory set it to the highest decibel. That's how trauma is, it never goes away. But the positive part about trauma is it doesn't define you, and you get better at managing it. You didn't deserve it. You didn't do anything to cause it. It won't define you, and it's this incredible opportunity to regain the power of how you want to be. Also, if you are suffering with anxiety or depression, I, I don't want people to say, "I'm anxious," I don't want people to say, "I'm depressed," because your body then sends a message that's like, "Oh my God, we're anxious or depressed." So what happens when we're anxious and we're, and it's chronic anxiety in the body? We get achiness in our joints, our muscles get shorter, our heart rate speeds up. It has absolutely physical connection to our bodies. So we don't wanna give the body that ability to work against us. Instead, we wanna say, having an anxious moment is going to pass. Having a depressive moment, it will pass. What are some tools I can use? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And we should say that you may not be able to heal the trauma on your own. Correct. Uh-huh. I know you might not be comfortable with therapy, but you may not be able to get to the heart of it without some kind of expert. So this is a mental health public service announcement. Yes. Finding the right professional is so important. And we talked personal trainers. It's 10 times more important even if you're looking for a therapist or a counselor. Yes, absolutely. And if you go into it with an open mind, I think that's really important. And I like what you said, Ellen, you wanna find somebody that you can trust. You wanna find somebody that you really believe can help you. But it may take a little digging. There are lots of therapists out there, and there's lots of personal trainers out there. It doesn't mean that they're all great, or it doesn't mean that they're all gonna be the right fit either. If you do it and it didn't work out the first time, go back and try again.

Yes.

Yes.

Absolutely. Let's- Yeah. Yes. So let's talk about number five.

Yeah, so number five is being your biggest fan. And so I think the negative self-talk that we all have, right? It's like, oh, if I drop milk or somebody say, "Stupid Shaun, I dropped the milk," right? Or whatever it is. I mean, I, I like to make this joke and say like, if somebody could get inside your head, would you have any friends? Pay attention to how you are talking to yourself, because how you talk to yourself should be also how you talk to a loved one. You wanna treat yourself with sincerity. And if you're being mean to yourself, that really does affect the body and it really affects your mind, and then you really start to believe it. Belief systems are all taught. It's hard to undo that because you're so conditioned to think that way about yourself. When you're talking about being your biggest fan, that doesn't mean you have to be super arrogant and boast about all your achievements, but what it really means is being kind to yourself. What a concept.

Absolutely.

Yep. It's all about ways that you can love yourself unconditionally. We're gonna go back and think about what it is that is hindering you, what is really preventing you to be your authentic self. You're paying attention to those subtle cues that your body and that your mind is giving you. Because if you can't love yourself, you're not gonna be able to love the ones around you. You're not gonna be able to be a difference maker. You're not gonna be able to be a change maker. It's so important. So how do we love ourselves unconditionally? What I do with my clients is a really interesting step. I'll take a piece of paper and I'll draw a straight line. And on the left side, you're gonna write down all the characteristics that are based upon your self-worth. How you treat yourself and how you treat others. So on the left side of the column, you're gonna write down all the characteristics that make you. And then on the other side of the paper, you're gonna write down everything that was taught. And you know what's really interesting? And I get really fired up about this, because nine times out of 10, they don't equal. It is so fascinating, and it's so healing for so many people.

Absolutely. These five mantras are so powerful- Mm-hmm and yet so simple to understand. Yes. We should say- Yes they're simple to understand. They might not be simple to master, but they are simple to understand.

Yeah. Of

course. And again, I recommend to everyone that you do yourself a favor. Mm-hmm. Read this book. Yeah. It's not very long, and it's- Mm-hmm explained very well. Follow the advice, see what it does for you, and then get back to us. Let us know.

Yes. 100%.

If it works for you, we wanna hear. If it doesn't work for you, Shaun definitely wants to hear, and I do too. 1,000%. Right? Yeah. 'Cause then we can find ways to make it work for you.

Thank you. Um- Appreciate that.

The last topic Shaun and I discussed was how everything we've been talking about shows up inside your relationship. Because when you're married, your emotional fitness has a big impact on how you connect with your partner, like how you handle stress, how you recover from disappointment, and how you find your way back to each other when shit happens. So I wanna share a few things from that part of our conversation. The first one is the story of the 80 boxes

I wanted to mention about 80 boxes, 'cause when my- first daughter was born, we actually moved the day she was born. Not intentionally, just she just happened to come nine days early. And there were still 80 boxes that needed to be unpacked. So Adrian was holding Simone- She was like three days old from the hospital, and Adrian looked at me, she goes, "What do we do now?" And I said, "80 boxes." And she said, "What?" I said, "This is going to be our new mantra together, 80 boxes." We can do this. We can absolutely get through anything together. I think it's really important to have some slogan that you have with your partner when you feel stressed or dysregulated or not your best self, to say to them, "Okay, 80 boxes. We can get through this."

Yes. That 80 boxes story led into a bigger discussion about how couples develop their own private language and little rituals over time I think you And Adrian have been married for 10 years, right? Yes, yes. And together for 15.

Correct, Yes.

Yes, and so you have what I would call an early to mid marriage, right? But a lot of people that I work with are beyond that. They've been together 20 years or more. And what I wanna point out is that if you get to the mid part or the later part of your relationship, where you're not feeling connected or happy with each other, one thing that you should look for Are those moments in your relationship that are milestones. We all have things like that in our marriage history. We all have milestones in our life, examples that we refer- Yes to Yeah this is the shared language of our relationship.. and so if you're feeling disconnected, one thing to do is to sit down with yourself and write out a few of those milestone moments, like your 80 boxes. Yes. Right? I told you mine is strawberries and- Love it I'll tell people that story another time. But It's those things that you and your partner Keep coming back to. Write those down and what do they mean to you? Why are those things still hanging out in your relationship?

Yeah I love that. And the other thing is doing something together, like some physical activity, like Adrian, loves when I train her, so that's a way that we bond we'll work out together or she loves yoga and I'll do yoga with her. Uh, not very well, but I do. Or, Adrian's a professional dancer and so, when the kids are asleep, we'll dance in the living room. Aw. Or, because we lived in New York for 20 years, we're big walkers. Yep. So we'll go for a walk around the neighborhood and just talk and so I think those are just really important bonding experiences as well.

Yes. And even if your relationship was completely disconnected, doing those things- can still bring you back together. Or at least point you toward each other again.

Yes.

You

know? Yes, absolutely.

You know, it's easy when we give all this relationship advice and, and health advice Mm-hmm to say, "Oh, just do this and everything's going to be fine." Right. Right. But that's not really true. Everything is not necessarily going to be perfectly fine, but- Mm-hmm if you can change the- Yeah trajectory from oblivion to at least possible reconciliation with these things, that is the first step. And once you start doing that-

Yeah

more and more things will come to you that you could use to find your way all the way back

that's so true.

I wish I could share everything from my conversation with Sean, but I like to keep it tight for y'all. So we're finishing up here. But before we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode Number one, cultivate allies who value you as a whole person. Whether it's a trainer, therapist, coach, or any other expert, don't just settle. Take the time to talk to a few people and find the one who really gets you. These are people who will be pushing you, challenging you, and helping you see things you may not see on your own, so you need to be able to trust them Number two, the five mantras give you a clear starting point for letting go of old patterns A lot of us carry perceptions from our past about who we are and what we deserve. Old anger, fear, or shame can anchor you and steal your vitality if you don't deal with them. This part of the conversation had extra meaning for me because I have an older relative who's never gone back and done this kind of work, and I can see uncomfortably clearly how that negativity has taken over this person's mind and body. And let me tell you, that's been a huge incentive for me to deal with my own shit And number three, there may be more value than you realize in revisiting what you and your partner have shared over the years. Like Inside Jokes, Memories, and little rituals. Some people block those things out when their relationship is running rough. They don't wanna be reminded of the good times. But I think that's a mistake because those past connections can be like wormholes. Sometimes they can cut through the resentments that led to the disconnect and bring those good times back into the present where they can help you find each other again I've really enjoyed this conversation with Sean. It's given me a lot to think about, and I hope it does the same for you. I've put a few things in the show notes for you, including links to Sean's book, as well as his coordinates in case you're interested in working with him directly. And since I talked so much about finding the right trainer, I've also included a link to Boston Personal Training, which is where my husband and I go. If you're in the Boston MetroWest area and you're looking for in-person training with someone who checks all the boxes, you really should check them out. All right. I hope today's episode got you thinking, but there's really only so much we can do in an open forum like this. If you wanna look at your specific situation, go to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time to talk with me. It's free, it's quick and it's private. We'll figure out the next best move for you and get you on track. And if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please pass this episode along. I've also included links to additional resources in the show notes so you can keep building on your relationship skills. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.