83: What’s Your Trust Archetype? How to Build a High-Trust Relationship

Welcome back to Make More Love. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. This show looks at the connection between relationships and business ownership, especially for men who want straight talk, useful frameworks, and practical ways to solve relationship problems. If this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss anything. Now let's get into it. In the last episode, we talked about how trust is not a single quality, and is broken down into seven domains. If you've ever been on either end of the statement, "I love you, but I don't trust you," that can be one of the most confusing and hurtful things to experience in a romantic partnership. But once you start seeing trust as seven different domains, hopefully you can sort out exactly where the trust is breaking down and then figure out how to repair it and make your whole relationship stronger. But I don't wanna leave it at just that because even when you break the trust down into specific domains, each partner still has their own expectations and history about what those domains mean. I've spent a lot of time researching people's commitments to long-term relationships. While physical intimacy and the practical advantages of sharing a life are certainly factors, I found that it's really about finding belonging and acceptance. We want our relationship to be the place where we can be 100% ourselves. We wanna be fully known, Accepted, and loved for who we are. That seems simple enough, but it's more complicated than it sounds because over the years, we learn to present the person we want other people to see, based on the rewards and the consequences of our life experiences. I call this our adaptive identity. Now, human beings are complex, and each person is unique, but when we can find patterns, it can help us understand ourselves. So I've identified seven of these adaptive identities or archetypes, each one built around a different pattern. Each one reflects what feels authentic to us, which we then bring into our relationships Each one has a gift, and each gift also has a shadow side. So the gifts we bring to the relationship can also get us into trouble. So let's explore these seven archetypes, and then after that, we'll look at how they relate to the trust domains that we talked about last time. By the end of this episode, you'll have a pretty good idea of your archetype, and you can start using that information to build a high-trust profile with your partner. The first archetype is the traditionalist. The core drive of the traditionalist is honor. What feels authentic to them is being responsible, protective, steady, and worthy of respect. The core question that drives them is, "what is the right thing to do?" The Traditionalist offers the gift of stability. But the shadow side of that is control. The Traditionalist's need to do the right thing can lead them to become controlling in their relationships. The second archetype is the Nice Guy. The core drive of the Nice Guy is approval. What feels authentic to them is being kind, agreeable, pleasant, and easy to be with. The core question that drives them is, "What do people think of me?" The Nice Guy brings the gift of harmony to a relationship, but the shadow side is avoidance. The need to keep everyone happy can lead the Nice Guy to do everything he can to avoid conflict, even when the necessary thing to do is to confront the problem. The third archetype is the Visionary. Their core drive is possibility. What feels authentic to them is moving toward what could be built, expanded, or achieved. The core question that drives them is "What is possible?" Their relational gift is expansiveness, but the shadow side of that is a tendency to chase after the next big thing. It's that "shiny object syndrome," which means they can start a lot of things without finishing or jump from one thing to the next without considering the ramifications. The fourth archetype is the Engineer. Their core drive is logic. What feels authentic to them is understanding, solving, structuring, and making sense of complexity The core question that drives them is "What is the answer?" The gift they bring to a relationship is clarity. When you live with an Engineer, you're living with someone who is gonna keep working on every problem until it's fully understood and an elegant solution is in place. I live with an Engineer, and I can say without doubt it's a beautiful thing. But the shadow side of the Engineer is perfectionism, where nothing is ever good enough. This can lead to over-correcting, over-explaining, or jumping to solving without asking if that's what's needed. Strangely enough, in my relationship, I'm the one who tends to do this, not my Engineer husband. He's the one who checks in about what I need before he starts solving problems. I am working on that for myself. The fifth archetype is the Artist. Their core drive is creativity. What feels authentic to them is expressing something original, meaningful, and uniquely personal. The core question that drives them is, "What is something that only I can bring?" Their gift is uniqueness, but the shadow side of that is obsession. And if you've ever lived with an Artist, you know what I mean, because Artists can be so driven to bring their vision to reality that they ignore the actual current reality. The sixth archetype is the Lover. Their core drive is desire and being desired. What feels authentic to them is creating connection, attraction, affection, passion, and aliveness. The core question that drives them is, "What do I desire?" The relational gift they bring is intimate intensity, and nothing feels more exciting than that. But the shadow side is seduction. The Lover can get taken in by the force of their own desire, and that desire can be so compelling that their partner gets pulled in as well instead of staying connected to what they want. The seventh archetype is the Hero. Their core drive is service. What feels authentic to them is helping others, stepping up, and being useful whenever they can. The core question that drives them is, "What can I give?" The gift they bring to a relationship is support, but the shadow side of that is self-sacrifice. It's that white knight syndrome, that need to be the rescuer that sometimes leads the hero into sacrificing their own needs to the point where they're not able to be present in the relationship Those are the seven archetypes: the Traditionalist, the Nice Guy, the Visionary, the Engineer, the Artist, the Lover, and the Hero. You may have heard one of those that sounds a lot like you, or you may recognize yourself in more than one. The point is not to put yourself in a box. It's to observe the way your authentic self enters the relationship and how that way of being shapes your trust profile. Now keep that in mind because we're gonna need that for the next section Let's bring this back to the seven trust domains. I'll just remind you, they are safety, security, caring, integrity, fidelity, reliability, and repair. And let's talk about how each archetype tends to show up in those domains. Where does it naturally build confidence? Where does it cause strain? And where does your partner need something from you that your default way of being may not automatically provide? The work to be done is to build skills in all seven trust domains, even the ones that you're not naturally strong in. That doesn't mean you stop being yourself, but you may need some additional resources to get better at the domains that are most challenging for you. So let's look at which domains are likely strengths for each archetype and where the traps could be. By the way, I have a worksheet for you that covers everything we're talking about today. It's gonna be in the show notes, or just hit me up with a DM and I'll send you a copy. As I share this next part, please keep in mind that we're talking about tendencies, not certainties. You may be naturally high in areas that are typically intentional and vice versa. I hope you'll just look at this discussion as a broader concept Let's start with the Traditionalist. If this is your archetype, you are naturally stronger in the domains of security, integrity, reliability, and fidelity. You build trust by being responsible and honoring your commitments. The domains that require more intentionality from you are safety, caring, and repair. You might be surprised to hear that safety is one of the areas that needs more intention, because the Traditionalist sees themselves as a protector. But being a protector can go too far if that controlling shadow side starts to lean toward intimidation. Caring and repair can also require more intention because the Traditionalist believes that they're giving their partner everything they need, and that belief can create blind spots, especially around emotion. How do you identify blind spots? If you're saying something like this, "I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to care for my partner and my family. What part of this don't they understand?" you've found it. Instead of asking that question like a challenge, ask it like you wanna know the answer. this is where I would focus your attention Let's move on to the Nice Guy If this is your archetype your natural strengths are the domains of safety caring, fidelity, and repair. You make your partner feel safe and taken care of because you want peace. You want people to feel good, and when something goes wrong, you're quick to try to make it right again. the domains that require more intentionality are security, integrity, and reliability. That need to keep everyone happy can lead you to avoid conflict, even if that means burying your own feelings or giving the impression that everything is fine when it's not. Your partner may start to wonder if they can even trust what you're telling them, or are you just trying not to upset them? So being intentional in this case means developing the skill of honesty. You don't have to be harsh. Just say what's true for you. Then you can work together to attack the problem and not each other. Up next is the Visionary. If this is your archetype, your natural strengths are in the domain of safety. Honestly, the Visionary archetype is challenging to be in a relationship with because every big opportunity comes with a high level of uncertainty, and it requires dedication and attention that can take precedence over everything else, including your relationship. Now, this is not great news for those of us who are business owners and entrepreneurs because a lot of us are Visionary types. There's even a special circumstance for the Visionary in terms of fidelity. Not because Visionaries are more prone to having affairs, but because they are often accused of cheating on their marriage with their business. Here's the truth about being a Visionary archetype in your relationship. If you want to build a high trust profile with your partner, you're gonna have to be intentional about just about everything! Be intentional about caring and fidelity so your partner feels like they're as much a priority as your work is. Be intentional about reliability and repair because your follow-through says a whole lot more than any apologies that you might come up with later. Look, I understand how hard it is to live your life being intentional about everything in your relationship. That's exactly why I do this podcast. That's why I coach and help the clients I work with. It's what I'm committed to, and I've got 20 years worth of experience and resources to help you. So if you're struggling, please reach out and send me a message or book a Relationship Reset Call. Now let's move on to the Engineer archetype. you generally have a pretty solid trust profile in your relationship. Safety, security, integrity, fidelity, and reliability all come naturally to Engineers, and that's because Engineers are naturally intentional about a lot of things. That said, everyone has their challenges, and for Engineers, those are in the domains of caring and repair. Caring requires more attention because emotions aren't always perfectly logical, and it can take some work to understand what's needed in emotionally charged situations. The other challenge is repair. It can be hard to say, "I was wrong," when you spend so much time trying to make sure you're getting everything right. I'm not saying that Engineers think that they're always right, but they do work very hard at being right. So when they miss, sometimes it takes a minute for them to figure that out. But in my experience, once they do, they'll put all their effort into repairing trust as quickly and thoroughly as they can. Now we come to The Artist. If this is your archetype, you are naturally strongest in the domains of integrity, fidelity, and caring. That's because The Artist feels deeply. You wanna express something meaningful and uniquely personal, so these domains are a natural outgrowth of your creative spirit. The challenging domains for Artists can be safety, security, and reliability because for the Artist, money, financial security, and the practical needs of everyday life can feel less important than the creative work that you're doing. Your best path to a high-trust profile in your relationship is to make sure that you and your partner are aligned in your priorities and have a common purpose to work toward together, even if you come at it from different directions. Be intentional about staying aligned, and you'll both have energy to devote to your life's work All right, now let's talk about the Lover archetype. Whenever I think about this archetype, I think of Gomez Addams. If this is your archetype, your natural strengths are in the domains of safety, security, caring, and repair. Lover archetypes understand that desire cannot flourish in the face of uncertainty, so they prioritize the things that eliminate that. Seduction, the shadow side of the Lover is particularly challenging because desire itself can be a consuming force. The need to feel desire and be desired is seductive in itself, so it's important to be intentional about where you're getting that need met. The thing about Lovers is that they have a tendency to gravitate toward attractive qualities in others, which can sometimes look like they have a wandering eye. But the Lover archetype in a strong relationship isn't prone to acting on those impulses. The eye might wander from time to time, but the rest of them stays where it belongs. So if you are the Lover archetype, be intentional about integrity, fidelity, and reliability. Alright. The last one is the Hero. If this is your archetype, the trust domains that come most naturally are safety, caring, reliability, and repair. The domains that need intentionality from you are security, integrity, and fidelity. It might surprise you to hear that these domains are not the natural strengths of the Hero. Yeah, I gotta say, Heroes have really good PR. But here's what leads to trouble. Heroes are service-oriented. You can get to the point where you're doing so much for everyone else that you stop noticing your own needs, and then that can foster resentment. What can happen is that the Hero blows off self-care, but then becomes self-indulgent. You might start looking for an escape from your self-imposed responsibilities, and that could show up in unhealthy habits like overspending or keeping secrets or even stepping out on the relationship. So the primary thing you need to do is make sure you're not sacrificing your own needs to the point where you eventually need to escape, indulge, or collapse. Integrity and fidelity are important, but balance is also key. You have to build a relationship where support goes both ways. This is how you make sure that your relationship is well-rounded. Okay, here are a couple of closing thoughts from these two episodes. Trust is not one thing. It's built through seven domains that touch many parts of your relationship, and each partner brings their own history, expectations, strengths, and blind spots. When you understand the trust domains and you understand your own relationship archetype, you stop guessing where things are breaking down and start building trust through intention. Your gifts are real. Your shadow side is real, too. The point of the archetypes and the trust profiles is not to label yourself. It is to understand how you naturally enter the relationship and then pay attention to the places where your partner may need something more from you. And the more clearly you understand yourself, the easier it is to build a high-trust profile with your partner. Now, I have a question: Is trust one of your relationship superpowers? And do you want it to be? I'll leave you with that thought. Don't forget to reach out for the High Trust Relationship Builder worksheet. The link for that is in the show notes, or send me a message and I'll get it to you. And hey, don't sleep on the Relationship Reset Call either. That's quick, private, and free, and you get to work on something really important to you one-on-one with me. Alright... I hope today's episode got you thinking, but there's really only so much we can do in an open forum like this. If you wanna look at your specific situation, go to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time to talk with me. It's free, it's quick and it's private. We'll figure out the next best move for you and get you on track. And if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please pass this episode along. I've also included links to additional resources in the show notes so you can keep building on your relationship skills. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.