85: How to Get Out of the Doghouse & Repair Your Relationship

Welcome back to Make More Love. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. This show looks at the connection between relationships and business ownership, especially for men who want straight talk, useful frameworks, and practical ways to solve relationship problems. If this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss anything. Now let's get into it. Over the last few episodes, I've been talking about trust and what happens when something goes wrong in that area within the relationship. Sometimes we make a mistake, sometimes there's a breach of trust, and sometimes it crosses the line into betrayal. But regardless of what caused the hurt, the relationship still has to deal with what happens next. And one of the least useful ways that couples deal with hurt is going silent. Unfortunately, going silent doesn't mean that you're forgetting about the situation. Instead, people don't talk about it, but they start acting out toward each other in ways that lead to what you might recognize as being in the doghouse. That's when one of the partners is left trying to guess what happened. And the longer it takes for them to figure that out, the more the resentment builds up, and that just leads to more disconnection. So today we're gonna explore why the doghouse dynamic happens, how you can recognize it early, what to do if you find yourself in it, and how to prevent yourself from ending up there again. I wanna say that I emphatically do not condone the idea of a doghouse. You are not a dog. You are partners, and you deserve direct communication and mutual respect. And later in this episode, we're gonna talk about how to get rid of the doghouse for good. But first, let's talk about the topic in a little bit more detail And let's start with what it means to be in the doghouse. The doghouse is an unspoken but very real emotional space where one partner feels isolated or punished for a perceived offense. It's one of those things. You don't always realize right away that you're in it, right? But you get a bad feeling, and then you start reading the signs, and eventually you figure it out. Now you know that something's off, but you don't know how to fix it, and you don't know how long it's gonna last. It could be for hours or days or much longer than that. You're just left walking on eggshells and trying to earn your way back into good standing. What's funny about this is that most people wouldn't treat their dogs this way. They wouldn't hold the dog's mistake over the dog for days at a time. Within five minutes, you know, depending on how expensive the shoes were, everybody's forgotten all about the problem, but for people, it's different. And there's a ton of reasons why you might find yourself in the doghouse but let's just talk about three reasons. the first one is unmet expectations, and we've talked about this over the last couple of episodes. These unmet expectations could be assumptions by one person in the couple or the other, or promises that you've made but then maybe forgotten about or just haven't gotten around to yet that end up disappointing your partner relative to their expectations. And I'm gonna tell you about Bill in a little while, and you're gonna see how that comes up within his story. The second one is an emotional disconnect. Over time, unresolved feelings about, for instance, disappointments or other frustrations or a lack of support can fester, creating a pattern where the issues build up because you never talk about them. Which leads the partners to avoid each other. which creates this doghouse situation. The third reason is perception versus intention. You may intend to do your best, but your partner only sees the impact of your actions or your lack of actions. Typically, the doghouse sneaks up on you. And why does it sneak up? You'd think you'd be able to see it coming, but we have busy lives, and we're busy with our businesses. And many of my clients are so focused on work and responsibilities that they overlook subtle signs. They just miss them. They miss their partner's feelings of being neglected or small upsets. They overlook these things all the time. And then there's that lack of communication that we just talked about, where many couples don't openly discuss their needs or frustrations until the resentment really boils over. That's why it feels like a punishment when actually the foundation of it is hurt feelings. Have you ever had a friendship that felt one-sided? You're always the one reaching out, making the plans, keeping the connection alive. And sure, your friend is always happy when you're in touch and enjoys what you do together, but they never take the initiative themselves to reach out. At some point, maybe you've had this thought: This sucks. I'm gonna stop reaching out and see how long it takes them to notice." And then nothing happens. Days turn into weeks and months, and eventually you realize that that friend has gone out of your life. That was a test, and your friend failed it. And you may be thinking, "Well, if they weren't holding up their end, then maybe this is for the best." And maybe it is for the best. However, there's always gonna be a part of you that's still waiting for your friend to reach out, even if it's been years. There's that open loop that never completely closes, and that leaves a mark. The doghouse is a variation of that test. It's not usually the first thing your partner tries when they want your attention. In fact, it's often a sign that you haven't been responding to what John Gottman calls bids for connection. A bid can be as simple as, you know, like, What do you think about the Red Sox?" Or, I need your help changing this light bulb." You don't need help changing a light bulb. You just want your partner to do something with you. When you show up and engage, you strengthen the connection. But when you don't take those bids seriously and you repeatedly neglect them, along with neglecting the promises you've made, and all kinds of little things, the resentment starts to build up. Your partner is likely to try a few times and maybe a few different ways to get your attention. Like they might ask sweetly, and then they might ask angrily, and then they might ask jokingly. But if none of those things work Or if you start labeling what they're trying as nagging, eventually they're gonna stop trying. And typically then they'll withdraw, and that's how you find yourself in the doghouse. Let me tell you a story about Bill. He's one of my VIP clients, so we spend a full day in person a few times a year, and then we check in by Voxer and phone and text messages whenever he needs it. So we were just getting into one of these full-day sessions when he offered this up: I'm so tired of being in the doghouse with my wife. Half the time, I don't even know what landed me there, and since I don't know what I did, I basically just have to wait until she lets me out." And I said, "Okay, half the time you don't know, so that means the other half of the time you do know why you're in the doghouse. Is that right?" And he said, "Well, sure. When I do something wrong, I know it, and I understand how I got into trouble, and I usually have a pretty good idea on how to get out. But other times, I think everything's okay, and then I get some kind of a message that just seems off, and when I ask my wife what's up, she pulls that line, 'I'm fine.' Now, I'm not dumb enough to fall for that one, but I can't get any answers either." Bill was clearly frustrated with this, and he'd been clearly thinking about it for a long time because here's what he said next: Look, I'm working my butt off 12, 14 hours a day. First off, I think I should get a pass on the little things, and second, if I've done something wrong, just tell me so I can make it right and we can move on with our lives." So here's what I always say, "I hear what you're saying, so let's see if we can unpack this thing. Let's start with what we know. You told me when you do something wrong and you get put in the doghouse, you know why you're there, right? Yes." And you also usually know how to fix it. Is that right? Yes." Okay. So if you did not do something wrong, but you're in the doghouse and you don't know how to fix it 'cause you don't know why you're there, then I think it's most likely that you're in the doghouse for something you did not do or something you forgot. Does that ring any bells for you? And Bill thought about it for a minute and said, "Hmm, when you put it that way She's been complaining that she's tired of the cold. I said we could go on a warm weather vacation, but I haven't had the time to plan it. It's not like I don't want to, but it's a bad time for me to take time off out of the business." Okay. Anything else? Well I know she's been having trouble sleeping for a while, and she mentioned a few weeks ago that the smoke detectors were waking her up. You know, when the batteries get low, they do that chirping thing randomly in the middle of the night. Now, I know that means I should change the batteries, but what can I say? I forget to do that because I don't even notice when they're chirping." Well, and there it was, two unfulfilled promises: a vacation she was looking forward to and something as small as changing the batteries in the smoke detector. Now, I want you to think for a minute about your own relationship. How many times has your partner brought something up like a request, a frustration, or a need that you've brushed off or promised to handle and then forgot? And how many small promises have you broken, even though you didn't mean to, and even though you didn't think it was gonna be such a big deal? But it is a big deal because your partner remembers and they are keeping score. And eventually your partner pulls back. And they freeze you out. And suddenly, there you are in the doghouse and you feel like it's come out of nowhere. But your partner experiences it as the predictable result of what came before. And I'm not blaming you here because clear, direct communication would have been a shorter and more effective approach. But you know, we're all human, and we don't always respond to situations via the most effective means. So let's get back to Bill now. So I said to Bill, "Okay, if I hear you right, you made a promise to take her away from the cold, but you didn't make it happen." Well, not yet." Um, Bill, it's April." Ugh." And you knew she was having trouble, but you didn't remember to change the smoke detector batteries because the chirping wasn't keeping you awake. Did I get that right?" Ugh." So Bill, what message do you think you're sending to your wife here?" Oh man, I suck, don't I?" Nah, Bill, you don't suck." And, hey listeners, You don't suck either. You just need some new skills. As you might have guessed, i've got a way out of this mess, and I taught Bill a system that worked for him. And I'm gonna tell you more about that in a bit, but first there's something else I wanna share. A lot of you have been asking what it's like to work with me. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. I call it the relationship operating system. So you and I would team up to get a clear picture of what's going on in your relationship just the way we would do it if we're looking at your business. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll build new skills and strategies to get through your problems ruts and challenges So you can create The passionate partnership that you crave. If you're stuck in a loveless limbo where you're living separate lives under the same roof, why would you wanna stay there? Your first step out is easy. Just set up a Relationship Reset Call with me. It's free, it's quick, it's private, and it's just you and me working on your specific relationship challenge. So head over to relationshipresetcall.com and grab a spot for that. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help, And if not, I'll tell you that too. Then we'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And then after that, if you want more help, I'll let you know how you can get that. Okay, let's get back to Bill. I helped him see that unintentionally his actions were conveying to his wife that what's important to her wasn't necessarily important to him. Once he saw it from that point of view, he was ready to make some changes. We set up a two-pronged strategy to get to the heart of the matter. First, we aligned his actions with his intentions, and he created a plan to follow through on the promises he had made that started with actually tracking the promises because he sometimes didn't even remember all the things that he promised. And I don't think that's so unusual, do you? Second, we prepared him for a conversation with his wife to retire the doghouse. He asked for more direct communication instead of subtle hints or unspoken expectations. Bill was able to tell her, "I wanna do better, but I need you to help me out by being clear when something's bothering you. That way I can fix it right away before it becomes a bigger issue." Bill went from disengaged to showing up, and that made a huge difference to his wife. I've actually heard no mention of the doghouse since then. And I know not everyone's situation looks exactly like Bill's, but the principles apply across the board. So if you think that it would benefit your relationship if you were to retire the doghouse, here are five strategies that you can start using today: Number one is to r- learn to recognize and respond to bids for connection. Pay attention to your partner's comments, questions, and requests. They can be subtle, but they're very important. Number two is to track and acknowledge promises, the ones you make and the ones that are unfulfilled. Be honest with yourself about any commitments you've made that you haven't kept. Take ownership of those. And if you still think they need to be done, then do them, and if you think an apology is warranted, then do that. The third one is to take an immediate action. Really, any action is better than continued inaction. So pick one thing that you can fix today that will make your partner's life a little bit easier and show that you care. Number four is to open up to your partner about the doghouse and the damage it's causing. Of course, that does mean that you're gonna need to be open to hearing what's on their mind and be willing to work with them on solutions. So be sure you're ready to commit to that. Because if you just say "I don't like the doghouse," but you don't commit to any kind of a change, that's not gonna help at all. So if that feels like too much of a stretch, you can still ask for more direct communication and maybe give your partner some feedback on how to express their concerns in a way and at a time that will enable you to respond well. And then hopefully you won't be in the doghouse as often, and you won't have to have that confrontational discussion because it could sound a little bit confrontational to say, "I don't want you to put me in the doghouse anymore." I could see why that could cause some issues So if you think that it could cause some issues with your life, then the thing is to do it in small increments, just working on one problem at a time. And the fifth strategy, is establishing regular check-ins. Create a routine where you and your partner can touch base on needs, expectations, and frustrations. I suggest a weekly planning session just for this, so you can make clear requests and schedule things so that they do get done and the frustrations don't build up. I'd love to see us all retire the doghouse because it's a bad precedent. and the thing that drives it is no good either. Instead, let's work on consistent efforts to pay attention, following through, and clearing up misunderstandings quickly. All of these steps come together to build a stronger, more connected relationship. And when you show your partner that you understand their needs and take action to support them, you'll start to get more respect, more affection, and deeper intimacy and the doghouse will fade from your life. Relationships are never perfect, but they're about both partners showing up and making each other feel seen, heard, valued, and loved Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking, but there's really only so much we can do in an open forum like this. If you wanna look at your specific situation, go to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time to talk with me. It's free, it's quick and it's private. We'll figure out the next best move for you and get you on track. And if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please pass this episode along. I've also included links to additional resources in the show notes so you can keep building on your relationship skills. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.