88: Don't Let Holiday Arguments Derail Your Relationship

Welcome back to Make More Love. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. This show looks at the connection between relationships and business ownership, especially for men who want useful frameworks, and practical ways to solve relationship problems. If this is your first time here, hit follow or subscribe so you don't miss anything. Now let's get into it. Well, here we go again. It's the freaking holidays. How is it that before school even starts, the Halloween candy, the frozen turkeys, and the Christmas decorations all show up in the stores at the same time? October became November overnight, and Thanksgiving is bearing down on us like a freight train. And I'm not the only one feeling the heat. This time of year stirs up a bunch of stress for a lot of couples, enough that January is often called the start of the divorce season. So today, we're gonna talk about why the holidays are hard and what you can do to get through them with less conflict, more clarity, and a better connection on the other side. Now, one of the biggest problems for business owners is that the holidays hit at the worst possible time. It's Q4. There's pressure to close deals and to finalize contracts. You've gotta make end-of-year purchases, get ready for taxes, lock down budgets. Some people want time off. Other people want bonuses. And all these things require attention and serious management, which is your job. Then there's the seasonality thing. For some people, it's the busiest time of the year, like my brother, the custom jewelry designer who works seven days a week from November through January. For others, it's dead slow. You can tell by the discount offers that keep on showing up just to keep the business afloat through the end of the year With all that going on, you're very likely to be short on something, whether it's time or money, and sometimes both. And that's just the business side. Now you add in the personal demands. A lot of these come from your partner, who might put up with your workaholic ways most of the year, but now is using the holidays to justify their demand for you to take some time off. And then there's the uptick in social events and family obligations and travel and hosting and gift shopping. Well, you know the drill. All of this takes time, money, and energy. And on top of everything else, there's a lot of pressure that you're supposed to enjoy it. You're supposed to be relaxed and smile and be joyful. Get into the spirit. Come on, you can at least do that much. It's just once a year, right? My client Bill is a classic example of this. He runs an HVAC company, and fall is chaos. For years, he stayed out of the holiday planning. He did what he was told and just waited for it to be over. On the other hand, his wife Gina came from a big, loud family, and she launched into holiday mode on November 1st like she'd been shot out of a confetti cannon. Full blast lights, music, baked goods, matching pajamas, the whole thing. By New Year's Day, they'd usually barely be speaking to each other, and a couple of years ago, this really blew up. Gina told Bill that she hated the way that he was either absent, asleep, or grouchy for the entire season, and Bill told Gina that the holidays just weren't a priority for him and that she had no idea what he was juggling at work. They fought, and then they dropped it, like you do. On the surface, neither one of them was being unreasonable But Bill's strategy of staying out of the way and going along wasn't working, and Gina's expectations that Bill would feel a certain way about the holidays wasn't working either. So every year, Gina got more frustrated and Bill got more resentful. But for me, the most interesting thing was the way that they expressed their desires. Gina was direct. She wanted to enjoy the holidays with Bill. But Bill was conflicted. He wanted to strengthen his relationship with Gina. He would love to be the hero in the Christmas movie running through her head, but he just couldn't see how he could pull it off with everything else that was on his plate Are you feeling like Bill right now? 'Cause I get that if you do. But here's where you have to ask yourself one thing. Am I okay with another year of the same routine, or do I want this year to be different? And then if you want different, you're gonna have to be ready to make some changes, because if you don't change anything, I guarantee your holidays are gonna look just like last year and the year before that. It'll be just like my Christmas tree. I have pictures of my Christmas tree going back years. Every year it's a new tree, but every year it looks exactly like the one before. And every year I want it to look different, but then I never get around to buying new decorations. So every picture of every tree, they all look the same. But look, my Christmas tree is low stakes. Your marriage is not. And that's what Bill realized. That year when the holiday decorations started showing up in the stores, he remembered all those arguments over all those years. And he took Gina out to dinner, and he said, "I don't want this year to go like the others." He admitted he'd been checked out. He thanked her for carrying all of the work. He clearly explained what made it hard for him to engage. He then asked if they could work on a plan together that would make them both feel more connected and less stressed. And if that all sounds very smooth and polished, it's because he and I practiced ahead of time. He had been afraid that Gina was gonna be upset with him for rocking the boat. But instead, she was beside herself, thrilled that he was finally stepping up. They brought home a cannoli to share, and they started working on a plan using the tools that I gave him. And I'm gonna walk you through how that goes next. It basically comes down to three things: setting priorities, resolving conflicts, and then standing by your decisions. Now, you probably do this in your business all the time. Like so many things in this podcast, we're going to take what you already know how to do well in your business and apply those to your relationship. So let's walk through those in more detail. Step one is to set your top priorities. I recommend that you start with like 40 to 45-minute planning sessions. And the goal of these to start is to ask each other, in years past, what has genuinely worked for you? And what was really horrible? And then what was missing? And if you could change one thing this year, what would it be? For this stage, the ground rules are simple. Everything is open for discussion. You wanna understand what matters most to each of you and why. And the other thing is that your partnership takes precedence over other people's demands, and we're gonna talk all about that in step three. When it comes to setting priorities, I find it's often harder to narrow them down than it is to come up with them. So I use the memory method. Think back over the past few holidays and just list the most memorable things. Usually, a handful of things come to mind right away, and those are a good place to start. There is a difference, though, between memorable and meaningful. Some of the most memorable holiday experiences are the ones we would never really want to repeat. Now you and your partner can talk through these memories together, but then each of you should write down the three to five things that matter most to you and do that individually. Once you've got your lists, then you compare them. And don't be surprised if your lists are pretty different. We're gonna deal with that in step two. which Is about resolving conflicts. You've probably found some things that you don't agree on And some of these things are gonna be in direct conflict with each other. You won't be able to do them both. So this is the problem-solving part. You've heard me say this before, "Attack the problem, not each other." Here's a perfect example of how that advice plays out in real life. The first point is to understand the motivations behind each partner's choices. What purpose do their choices have? Once you understand that, you've got a lot more room to come up with solutions that might not look exactly like the original thing, but get the job done. So start brainstorming and come up with as many different ways as you can to satisfy what matters to both of you. Don't shoot down any ideas right away. Just make as big a list as you can. Now, once you have the list, look at all the ideas and figure out what's realistic that you can both live with. I'm gonna give you an example from my life. Like many Mediterranean families, my family's gatherings can go on for a long time, seven hours or even more. And if your own culture doesn't have that tradition, that could be really overwhelming. It was a big problem for my first husband, and we argued about it a lot. His solution was to just sneak out when he'd had enough and walk home, which left me trying to explain to my family where the hell he'd gone. And eventually, he stopped coming to my family gatherings altogether From his perspective, he'd solved the problem. He didn't have to sit through those marathon family events anymore. But it wasn't a solution for me because I was left holding the bag. But When Steve and I got together, we figured out a better way to handle it. He wasn't exactly thrilled about the Dorian family dinner marathons either. But instead of digging in, he helped me understand what was motivating my desire for both of us to be there for the duration. First, I wanted my family to get to know him better. He's on the quiet side, so it takes a while to get a clear picture of him. Second, I don't get to see my brothers often enough. We don't hang out together all the time, so getting the family together is how that happens. And third, I want my nieces and nephews to know our family stories. Those stories are part of their origin story, and they need to hear them over and over again until they sink in. That's how I learned them, and that's how I wanna pass them on to the rest of my family. Now, Steve wasn't opposed to spending time with my family. He just didn't want to spend seven hours doing it. So we came up with a couple of different solutions. The easiest one is that we have a safe word that either one of us can use, which means "I'm ready to leave." And sometimes we just go for dessert, which works out pretty well because dessert can go two, three hours in my family. Is it a perfect solution? No, but it is a workable one that we both support, and that's what I really want you to take away from this. When you understand what each person is trying to accomplish, you can start looking for solutions instead of just trying to win the argument. What are the big conflicts in your relationship when it comes to the holidays? Does my story spark any ideas for your situation, or is yours completely different? I'd love to hear what you have to say about that. You can always pop me an email or DM me on any of the social platforms. And let's now move on to step number three, which is standing by your decisions. This is the part that might take some intestinal fortitude. Chances are there are other people who have pretty strong opinions about how you should spend your holidays. You know, your parents, your in-laws, your kids, your friends, and some of them aren't gonna be happy when you decide to do things differently. So remember that second ground rule that I said in the beginning? Your partnership takes precedence over other people's demands? Yeah, that's the one. You're gonna need to be a united front. That means you agree ahead of time on how you're gonna handle pushback, what you'll say, who will say it, and to whom. And when you're dealing with these people, you've got to use a clean and simple response. Don't give them any ammunition for their argument. Just say something like, "Sorry, we can't do that this year," and repeat that as many times as you need to. You don't have to justify your decisions or make any excuses. And no matter what else you say, don't throw your partner under the bus. Holidays are built on traditions, and people tend to be very attached to them, so you are going to at least ruffle some feathers and maybe worse. But what you've been doing all along hasn't been working for your relationship. Now, you might find some people's arguments persuasive, or you might find yourself caving to other people's demands. If so, you need an escape hatch. That, for me, is, "Let me talk this over with my husband and get back to you." This is also, by the way, a reason why we never do this together. We always have to have an escalation point in case we get into trouble. Then you can discuss things in private. You can treat other people's opinions as requests instead of demands or expectations, and then decide if there's any of those requests that you are both able and willing to fulfill. You've gotta be prepared for what could be a lot of discomfort here. Some people will get used to your new arrangements and others won't. But what's easier to deal with? Pushback from people outside your relationship or ongoing misery and resentment inside it? No matter how much they grumble about it, you won't be worrying about them when you're having champagne in bed on Christmas morning instead of waking up on an airbed in your parents' basement. If you lock in those three steps you'll be surprised at how much better things will start looking for your holidays and for your relationship. Next, we're gonna talk about how to turn those decisions into an actual plan. But seriously, it's November, so let's keep it simple and maybe even get started tonight. Here's what to do: Go through everything that needs doing and decide who owns what. Categories, not just tasks, right? Cooking, inviting, cleaning, travel planning, kid logistics, shopping, wrapping, thank yous, all of it. Take responsibility for the whole category and use a shared list to check things off. That way, no one has to be the reminder-in-chief. And then pull out the calendar and set some deadlines Because we all know that nothing open-ended like this ever gets done. Even if the deadline's arbitrary, you can set it and you can always move it And then after you do all that, you've gotta check in 'cause stuff is gonna change. Surprises are gonna come up, and your mood and your capacity could also change mid-season. So keep these check-ins short and keep them honest. The whole point is to make sure you're both doing your part and neither one of you ends up with an unfair share. When January comes along, I hope you both look back and go, "You know what? This was a great year." Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking, but there's really only so much we can do in an open forum like this. If you wanna look at your specific situation, go to relationshipresetcall.com and book a time to talk with me. It's free, it's quick and it's private. We'll figure out the next best move for you and get you on track. And if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please pass this episode along. I've also included links to additional resources in the show notes so you can keep building on your relationship skills. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love with your wife and in your life. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.